Tuesday, September 25, 2007

I need a new passtime...

I'm replacing sports with another variety of self-torture. More clean-up, but at least I'll save a few bucks on jerseys.

It's Tuesday....mid-morning...and I am too hungover to put thought into anything. My apologies to the good readers of WWMRD if none of this makes any sense.

I did end up watching some of the Bills game this past weekend. I didn't plan on it, but as soon as I saw that Trent Edwards was in the game, I felt obligated. I shouldn't have bothered. Shortly after I turned the TV on, Paul Posluszny broke his forearm. As Steve Holt noted, with this season shaping up to be the worst since 2001, there was still some entertainment in watching Poz and Marshawn Lynch develop into Pro-Bowlers. With Poz out, games are 50% less fun to watch. If, god-forbid, Marshawn were to get hurt, I might stop watching football entirely. I might as well just get one of those spiked leg belt things like the albino guy in The Da Vinci Code had...it is effectively what I do to myself every week anyways.

MuchMoreMusic is on the TV, and I can't find the remote. I have no idea if this video is new or not, but Satana has a new song featuring Chad Kroeger of Nickelback fame. This might be the worst song I have ever heard. The video doesn't help either. They're rocking out on top of a hotel in what appears to be Los Angeles. What the eff? Hasn't this video been made 200 times? The highlight of the video may be the fact that Chad's had his hair straightened and cut into a bob. I guess he's got the same stylist as Posh Spice.

If elected, Howard Hampton plans to ban the lastest video by Michaëlle Jean and her band.

I'm calling for a ban on all videos which feature a band playing on a roof. If the NDP can promise this, they've got my vote. Even with the Green Party promising 6 statutory holidays, and the PCs proposing beer and wine in corner stores, I think this is a more valuable cause....

Friday, September 21, 2007

Let’s get ready to rummblllllleeeeeee…..from the coommmfooorrrrrrrrrttttttt of our desk chaaaiiiirrrrsssss!

Tough and handsome....a leathal combination.

With workplaces everywhere blocking all that is good on the internet, there has been a void in the net-based gaming industry. The world required a game that can be played interactively, yet remotely….without any trouble from those pesky firewalls.

A few months ago, some of the world’s great minds came together to create a game which can be played via email, from the comfort of your own home, or office, or home office (if you happen to be so blessed). It was sort of like the Manhattan Project, but with the goal of defeating workplace boredom, rather than the Axis powers of WWII.

The game does not have a name, but if it did it would probably be something like “My Birthday Can Beat Up Your Birthday”.

The rules are simple.

1. Think about what your birthday is…write it down if need be.
2. Look to the internet and find the three toughest people born on your birthday.
3. Let your team of three battle it out with other teams of three, toughest day wins.

This is not as easy as it sounds. Quite often you will find that Wikipedia will provide you with a couple tough people with whom you share a birthday, but you lack that third team member to really bring it together. For this, I would suggest scanning NHL and/or NFL rosters, as many players aren’t famous enough to get themselves listed in Wikipedia.

Remember – this fight does not occur in the present, therefore each of your team members can be thought of as at their physical peak. If you’re lucky enough to be born on the same day as Louis Cyr, by all means include him in your squad.

You must also remember that soccer and basketball players are not tough. They may be athletes, but they’re not going to win any fights. There are some exceptions in basketball, such as Charles Oakley, Anthony Mason or possibly Xavier McDaniel. There are no such exemptions is soccer.

To get you started, I will provide you with my team of three…we call ourselves “March 31st”

1. Jack Johnson aka “The Galveston Giant" – American boxing legend
2. Gordie Howe – scary tough…loves to throw elbows.
3. Naoya Ogawa – the internet claims he is the toughest man in Japan. Not sure what he’s all about, but he is 6’4”, 254 lb.

We really drop off after that, (Herb Alpert is 4th toughest), but not a big deal, as each team only requires three members. I haven’t done too much research, but I think that’s a team that could go toe-to-toe with any date on the calendar.

If you think you’ve got a team that can take on March 31st, feel free to post it the comments section. (Pat – refer to the guidelines above before you include Greg Oden on your team. Luckily, you do have Jason Peters to pick up the slack.)

Stay safe and have fun!

Hey Star Simpson - you dumb.

There are bad ideas put into action every day…but this morning, CNN has told us all about one that might just take the cake. This is an all-timer….right up there with buying a Pet Rock. If bad ideas were womanizing ball players from the 70s, then this one would be Steve Garvey.

Some wicked smart 19 year old girl named Star Simpson, just walked into Logan Airport in Boston with a fake bomb strapped to her chest. Wow. That’s all I got for this one. Just wow.

As seen with the “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” debacle earlier this year, Boston tends to react strongly and swiftly to even the most ridiculous of threats. Anyone who walks into an airport with anything even resembling a bomb runs the risk of getting shot by a trigger happy airport security guard….and fair enough. That seems to be the age we live in. Airport security should have carte blanche to fill someone full of lead, because anyone who walks into an airport with a bomb, fake or real, probably deserves to be put out of their misery.

At first, I was thinking, “Oh, she’s 19…this is probably some Northeastern student trying to make a name for herself in the local performance art scene”. I’m probably wrong though, because CNN is saying she’s a student at MIT. What the eff? Who’s screening applications down there? Isn’t MIT supposed to be for the sharpest and most logical minds in America? I would assume their art program is worse than their football team….

Actually…maybe I’m not wrong. CNN just aired the press conference from Logan….apparently Star Simpson has come out and said this was some kind of “art”.

Well, if this is art, then Gitmo is the Louvre. Enjoy your time in Cuba!

One other CNN highlights this morning:

There’s a guy (named Casanova Love, by the way….how great is that?) providing an eyewitness report from Alexandria, Louisiana. He’s reporting on a couple of hillbillies decided that it would be a good idea to drive around town with nooses tied to the back of their pick-up truck. Seemingly, this is some kind of ignorant response to the people who marched in Jena, LA yesterday in support of the Jena 6. We may have just found not one, but two people dumber than Star Simpson….that didn’t take long.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

A Strong Case for a Weak Greenback...

The global currency markets....explained in pictures.

Today may just be the day…..a day I never though I’d see. The Canadian Dollar is approaching parity with the once-might US Dollar. She's got a full head of steam, and there’s no stopping her! To explain this in simpler terms, think of the Canadian Dollar as Pete Rose, the US Dollar as poor Ray Fosse, and global Forex markets as the 1970 MLB All Star Game at Riverfront Stadium in Cincinnati.

As someone who enjoys living in Canada, but visiting the United States, this situation is ideal….assuming I stay out of the manufacturing or tourism industry. To celebrate this momentous occasion, WWMRD brings you the top three reasons why it is good to have a favourable exchange rate with the greenback.

1. It will drive the movie industry out of Toronto

Zoolander stunt doubles.

I like Toronto. Don’t love it…but I like it. One of the things that drives me mad about Toronto is the douchebag, celebrity obsessed, hanging out at “Lobby” crowd. I often hear these people walking along Bloor Street making such comments as, “Oh my gawwd…last Saturday was crazy. We ended up partying with Willie Aames and Ashton Westwood at Ultra. It was off the hook!”

With there now being no savings in filming in Toronto, b-list movie stars will remain south of the border. I won’t have to hear these ridiculous conversations any more because something tells me faux-hawk and ugg boots won’t be bragging about hanging out with the cast of Falcon Beach.

2. Allows the Jays to increase payroll

The illegible writing on the photo actually reads, "Brooks Robinson, will you have my baby?"

Ted Rogers is wicked rich. He’s dumped a bunch of cash into the Jays, with limited results. That said, I prefer this scenario to the days when the Jays couldn’t buy anyone. It makes for a more interesting off-season.

With a strong dollar and Ted’s chequebook, the Jays have substantially more buying power than they did a few years ago. This will allow J.P. Ricciardi to add upgrades to our already upgraded roster.

Troy Glaus, it was nice knowing you….but in 2008, the Jays will be playing a clone, spliced from the DNA of Mike Schmidt and Brooks Robinson, at 3rd base. He will be called Brooks Schmidt….because it is a much better name than Mike Robinson. He will hit for power, commit no errors and have a great moustache.

Cost for this procedure - $700 million.

3. Cheaper Beer at the Ralph.

"Hey dad - you gonna need me to drive home again?!"

In the era of the 1.60 exchange rate, getting drunk at the Ralph was sometimes difficult. A 20oz beer was $5…which came to $8 CDN. This was cheaper than any venue in Toronto, but still not all that cheap. With the beers now coming in a $5 CDN, how can one afford NOT to drink more? The stadium is practically giving the stuff away!

With the Bills struggling (said in my best Joe Namath) so far this season, the Canadian fans that make the trip to Ralph Wilson Stadium will want to, (check that…NEED to) get even drunker than in previous years. This should not be a problem.

And with alcohol sales through the roof, whoever ends up with the Bills after Ralph passes will have no choice but to leave the team right where it is! Selling cheap beer to Canadians is a license to print money. Canadians will not go to LA to watch the Bills. They will only go to Buffalo! You hear me Goodell?!

Anyway, to conclude….I really do not see any downside to a strong Canadian dollar. Some may argue that the loss of jobs is potentially devastating……but with the global economy the way it is, Canada was going to lose a bunch of jobs away. Wouldn’t you rather see these jobs go to hardworking Americans, instead of Chinese labourers working in inhumane conditions? I know I would. John Cougar Mellencamp would finally be able to pen an upbeat song about people being hired, instead of laid off! A Mellencamp comeback is something the world needs.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


The internet tells me that today, September 19th, is "Talk Like a Pirate Day"....and that sounds good to me. Who am I to stand in the way of internet-based holidays? Seems that the net web is the main source of finding the next big anything nowadays....so why not holidays?

I assume the Pittsburgh Pirates play an afternoon game today? No? 10:05 in San Diego? Thanks for nothing Bug Selig.

Well...since MLB is a bunch of jerks, I invite you to kick off Talk Like a Pirate Day by watching this video. It will get you in the mood.

This is from Saturday Night Live a couple years ago. I enjoy it very much.

Now, a lot of people will claim that SNL just isn't as good as it used to be...and it's hard to totally disagree with that statement. What I don't like is when people knock the current cast! If you don't think it's funny, then it has to be the writers...because in my opinion, the current crop of talent is fantastic. Jason Sudeikis is going places. According to Wikipedia, Jason is of partial Lithuanian descent....which I guess makes him the Sarunas Marciulionis of the current troupe.

And now that we're onto Saturday Night Live clips, watch this one too. You'll be glad you did once you get to the part Andy Samberg references pirates once again...

Alright, I gotta run. For those in Ontario...this is a reminder to Vote Green! With Frank De Jong as our next Premier, there's a good chance "Talk Like a Pirate Day" will be a statutory holiday in 2008!!!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Ernie Chambers, 1937 – 2007.

As per Nebraskan tradition, Ernie will be buried with a gay dog.

Actually, the headline is a lie….Nebraska Senator Ernest W. Chambers, better known as Ernie Chambers is still alive…for the time being. Ernie recently made the grave mistake of suing God.

State Senator Ernie Chambers Sues God

Who knows how far this lawsuit will get? Working against God is the fact that his/her usual lawyer, Yale Galanter, is on retainer elsewhere. Working for God is the fact that he/she is God. For Chambers, that simple (and possibly overlooked) fact makes this suit almost impossible to win.

In the suit, Chambers says God has caused, “fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects, and the like.” (Studies show that 100% of readers will read that quote using the Don King version of their internal monologue.)

Fair enough. Blame most of that stuff on God if you so choose….but you can’t really point the finger at him/her for birth defects. Blame Agent Orange, Thalidomide and Mountain Dew for that. Although, God did create all these poisons, so he/she could be considered guilty by proxy.

I commend Ernie Chambers on his desire to go straight to the top. It’s a bit like entering the “Straight to Mike Tyson” code in Punch Out, (FYI – it’s 007 373 5963), and then proceeding to have your ass handed to you in a matter of seconds. The only difference is you don’t get back up off the canvas after God one-punches you.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Bill Belichick - Cheating on his Mistress with Al Michaels?!?

Bill Belichick swaps outfits with a homeless man, in an attempt to escape the media's glare.

Readers – consider yourselves lucky if you have a job, and were therefore unable to stay up and watch the end of the Patriots – Chargers game on Sunday night. You really did yourself a favour by not watching a grown man, Al Michaels, fawning over crooked Bill Belichick, and the rest of the Patriots organization.

Now, don’t get me wrong….The Patriots are a good team, you can’t really deny that. They hammered the Chargers and were very discrete in their cheating this week, (they couldn’t just point a video camera at the opposing defensive co-ordinator, they probably had to use some sort of spy camera. Google and the CIA were in on it.)

The way Al Michaels spoke at the end of the game, you would have thought that Bill Belichick’s family was murdered, or the Pat’s practice facility was attacked by terrorists earlier in the week. I’m going from memory here, but at one point I’m pretty sure Michaels used the term “overcame adversity” to describe Belichick’s week. The sight of Belichick running down the tunnel, so cleverly shot by NBC to show delusional Pats fans, not to mention some random soldiers clapping and saluting the dumpy one, was enough to make anyone who is NOT a Pats fan, (legitimate or the much more popular bandwagon variety) sick.

Hey Al Michaels – here’s a history lesson. Jackie Robinson overcame adversity. Bill Belichick did not.

What Bill Belichick did is in no way different from what Barry Bonds apparently did. In my opinion, it’s a LOT worse than anything Pete Rose did. For some reason, Belichick is treated like the victim who overcame the big, bad media accusations and made good. A real American hero! Barry Bonds will forever live with a “Yeah, but” included in any discussion of his accomplishments. Pete Rose, who defined what it is to be a ball player, (on the field, at least), has become a side-show. Banned from baseball for betting on his team to WIN. How does that make any sense?

I could go on all day…but I’m not going to. It honestly makes me too angry. I really won’t be happy about any of this until the NFL hands down a real punishment. A $500,000 fine isn’t much when you make $4.2 million a year. You’re kidding yourself if you don’t think Bob Kraft tacked an extra $500K to the signing bonus of the contract extension Belichick signed this week.

I thank the NFL for giving me three hours of my life back though. I’m not going to even bother watching the Bills-Patriots next week. The self-torture of watching that game would be akin to the actions of those weirdos who deliberately burn themselves and/or cut off their limbs. There is no logical reason to put myself through that.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Love Me Two (or more) Times - The Warren Jeffs Story

You can buy this outside the BYU football stadium, along with sketches of Dale Earnhardt, Steve Young and Jeff Hornacek.

Read an interesting article this morning about a creepy guy named Warren Jeffs. He’s the leader of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. He also pro-polygamy and one must assume he has many wives.

Child bride testifies against polygamist 'prophet'

Hey Warren Jeffs – you crazy. First off, you can NOT trust someone with two first names, (you hear me Reggie Wayne?). Secondly, he sounds like a terrible guy who abuses his power, is a huge racist, and likes to perform marriage ceremonies on children. Boo-urns to that. It’s probably the best for everyone if this guy is locked up for a long time.

I guess it is for the best that polygamy is illegal. Or is it? There must be some healthy cases of polygamy somewhere…no? Why punish the few that are happy, just because a few crazies think they are a prophet and want teenage cousins to marry (and probably marry often)?

Is it possible that polygamy is illegal because politicians/lawmakers are forced to tow the company line, and preach about family values? Do you not think that there are some politicians out there who would secretly love to have a harem of girls (or guys) to go home to every night? Since they aren’t allowed to indulge, they’re going to be damn sure that no one gets the chance.

To that I say, don’t be jealous. Don’t hate the player, or the game. Hate the fact that you only have one wife, and aren’t allowed to keep a few more. Hate the fact you have to go through the hassles of keeping your girlfriends/boyfriends incognito, and confined to airport restrooms and the brothels of Capitol Hill. Why punish the tax-paying, otherwise law-abiding polygamists elsewhere? It’s not cool.

Personally, I can’t imagine having many wives. I’m good with one. In case you are wondering, and I bet you are, here are my top 5 reasons why I think polygamy would be a pain in the ass:

1. Cost of Living – I don’t really understand polygamy? Do each of the wives have their own bedroom, or does everyone pile into one king size bed? I would assume the latter. If I’m wrong, they each polygamist would need to own a home with at least eight bedrooms. That’s not cheap…even in rural Utah. Maybe that explains why they don’t drink…they can afford it with all the massive mortgage payments.

2. Catfights – As a connoisseur of the early years of reality television, I know that making a bunch of women live together is a recipe for disaster. It’s only that much more explosive once you consider they are all competing for the attention of one guy. The average home in Utah must make Big Brother look like Fred Rogers place.

3. Closet Space – you better hope your wardrobe consists of a few burlap sacks that you can keep in the garage…because you’re not getting any closet space in the house with five or six women.

4. Bathroom Time – Occasionally, my wife will work on her hair for over an hour. Combine this with showering and the application of a variety of lotions, and you are looking at two hours or more – just to get ready for a nice evening out. With a bunch of wives, forget about it… You’d have to start planning weeks in advance just to get to Applebee’s. No eatin’ good in the neighbourhood for you!

5. Access to Television – can’t wait to watch the Utah Jazz play tonight? Forget about it. Your TV would be overrun by Sex and the City, The View, Desperate Housewives and Wonder Woman re-runs. If you’re very lucky, you might get to watch a WNBA game…but to be honest, do you really want to?

So, in conclusion, I offer this open letter to the polygamists of America.

Dear Polygamists,

I’ve got the answer to all your problems. I ask for nothing in return, except an honourary doctorate from BYU. It’s so simple, you’re going to kick yourself for not thinking of it sooner…

Don’t get married!

It’s worked for Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. And now that I think about it, I don’t think Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins are married either. Look how happy they are? It seems that having multiple girlfriends is something that is celebrated in our culture…isn’t that right, Hugh Hefner? It makes you look like a really cool guy…especially if you are your girlfriends are really hot.

The legal problems arise once you try to marry all your girlfriends. Multiple wives aren’t considered that cool at all. So why bother? You save money on a wedding, stay out of the courts, and look like the coolest guy in Provo since Ty Detmer.

Polygamists – you’re welcome!

My finest regards,


Thursday, September 13, 2007

Dead to Me....

To steal a bit from Stephen Colbert, I present to you “Dead to Me” for the Week of September 13, 2007.

1. The 2007 Toronto Blue Jays

Did anyone else realize that Lyle Overbay has one white hand, and one black hand?

Before the season started, I was so excited for 2007 Jays offensive juggernaut that I pitched a tent…..outside the Gate 9 ticket window, so that I would have first crack at quality Jays tickets for the coming season. Was I a little worried about the patchwork pitching staff? Sure….but who cares when we are going to score 12 runs a game.

Fast forward six months. My excitement level remains high…not because the Jays are in the mix for a playoff spot…but because I’ve used my last tickets for the year. (Actually, that’s a lie. I have tickets for this Friday’s game, but I put them on Craigslist with an asking price of $0.00. No takers yet.) Praise the Lord! I can now completely stop paying attention to this lazy, uninspired and frustrating ball club.

The were a few bright spots this season – those being the emergence of Shaun Marcum as a quality starter, the rejuvenation of Matt Stairs, and the outstanding customer service of our ticket rep, Tyler McNamara. It’s just not enough to keep me interested now that it is football season. 2007 Toronto Blue Jays – you are officially dead to me!

2. Gary Bettman

"Hey ladies....here's what I'd look like with a moustache!"

Do you think that Roger Goodell, David Stern, Bud Selig and Gary Bettman ever hang out together? Maybe the occasional round of golf, or the annual “Commissioners Only” party over at Vince McMahon’s house? If they do, I have no doubt that Bettman is the outcast who sits in the corner by himself and tries to make eye contact with everyone who walks by, just so they’ll be forced into a few minutes of meaningless conversation with him. No one really wants him to tag along…he just sort of invites himself because he is the Commissioner of a professional sports league.

Gary Bettman’s desire to impress his Commissioner friends is the only thing that can explain Mark Bell’s 15-game suspension! “Hey Goodell, check it out! I can run things with an iron first too! Wanna go to the Sizzler?” Let the record show that Mark Bell has already been forced into some sort of league-mandated rehab, (even though he’s been admittedly sober for a while), and that’s not even the worst of it! He’s gotta spend next summer in prison! Way to kick a kid while he’s down Bettman!

I could go on, but I won’t bother. I just realized that David Shoalts wrote the same article in today’s Globe & Mail. I swear I hadn’t read that before. He’s a professional writing guy, so I will let him finish the story.

Don’t even get me started on the meddling that continues to keep teams out of viable markets like Hamilton. Bettman – just resign already. You’re already dead to me!

3. Rick Reilly

Rick Reilly - Making Mock Turtlenecks "work" since 1985

I used to not mind Rick Reilly. He can occasionally be funny, or at least reasonably interesting. After this week’s piece – he’s dead to me!

School For The Uncool

Another fluffy piece about the greatness of Tom Brady…wonderful. Why don’t you just write about how murder is bad, and kittens are cute! It’s much more edgy material!

My favourite part of the article is where Tom talks about his new kid, and Reilly’s ensuing proclamation that Brady has got this parenting thing all figured out:

"I kind of cuddled him like a football," Brady says, adding that it's killing him that he can't be in Los Angeles for every sneeze. "I'd love to be out there all the time, year-round, but it's hard to make that a reality. I live here. But I'll start lobbying for off days throughout the year."

Personal responsibility. Check.

What the? That’s all it takes to be considered as a person who takes care or their responsibilities? Someone should tell this to Bridget Moynahan so she can appreciate what a great father Tom is! Once I’m done with my summer vacation, I plan on working one day every two weeks. When is Haley’s Comet back? That’s when the CRA can expect me to file my taxes! I always thought parenting would be easy, and Rick Reilly has confirmed it!

4. Google Ads

Who can hate Google Ads? You put them on your website…occasionally a cross-eyed visitor clicks them by mistake…bingo, Google sends you a cheque for $100. It’s so, so easy….but as of today – so, so immoral.

Why all the hate? Well…as I was doing my daily reading over at WorldWideNetWeb, I came across the following Google Ad:

Whaaaaaaaaaaat the hell? Google is pimping their Video Toolbar by exploiting poor Kevin Everett? That’s just wrong. Do you think they also have ads that read “Christopher Reeve bloopers – watch Superman fall off a horse!” or “Check out Chris Benoit put his son in the sleeper!” I’m very unhappy about this.

Google Ads – you’re dead to me. Although, I will leave you up on WWMRD as I am up to almost $6 in revenue.

5. Walls

Now – this one seems a little strange, but hear me out. I was viciously attacked by a wall in my home this morning, leaving me with some elbow bruising. At press time, I’m listed as ‘probable’ for tonight’s softball game.

Some say the wall was provoked when I decided to take off a bulky hooded sweater while walking down an narrow hall, but that’s just a lie.

Walls, for your unprovoked attack on me this morning, you’re dead to me. From now on, I will be living in a tent at Withrow Park. Once the snow starts to fall, I will find a neighbour’s carport to sleep under. You won’t be able to find me there!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Thank God for Craig Forrest!

"Just how many donkeys will I need to overthrow the Sandinistas?"

After a summer which saw the U20 World Cup and Toronto FC take over the city, along with Beckham-mania everywhere else, I remain unconvinced that soccer will ever be big in this country. It’s a bit of a shame, but I’m not going to lose any sleep over it.

Why won’t it take off? The reason it’s never going to take off is the rolling, faking, embellishment, crying, lying and cheating put forth on the pitch by what seems to be the vast majority of the players and teams in the game. In Canada, (where hockey rules) and the United States, (where football seems to be the sport of choice), fans have no patience for the antics of soccer players. You would never see Dion Phaneuf or Paul Posluszny pretending to get hit, and then fall to the ground in an attempt to bait the ref into making a call. There is a 0.0% chance of this happening.

There is no doubt that the casual sports fan in North America thinks the average soccer player is a total wuss….and fair enough, the reputation has been earned. People don’t want to root for weaklings! (Unless you bet on the longshot in a Strongman competition….that might be the only time you want to root for the weak dude. Or maybe when Brian Moorman is punting…he doesn’t seem that tough. Best punter ever though…)

Canadian and American soccer fans - do not give up hope! For the most part, our national teams are made up of players who don’t play this way. That’s probably because most of our national team members did not grow up in Portugal, Italy, Chile or Honduras. To go along with stand up players like Jim Brennan and Brian McBride, we’ve got a leader who will lead us through the BS which is any game against a CONCACAF opponent, and sketchy Central American refs. That leader is Craig Forrest.

I just finished watching the Canada – Costa Rica “friendly” being played here in Toronto this evening. Craig Forrest reprised his role as HATER of all the diving and faking and general cheating in soccer…and I commend him for it. Most announcers will try to remain reserved and impartial – citing the diving as “part of the game” whether they agree with it or not. Craig Forrest is the only commentator I have ever heard who is clearly against this behavior….and he is vocal about it. The disgusted tone in his voice whenever a Central or South American hits the deck, as if being hit by a drunken Billy Joel, is priceless. I’m pretty sure at one point he wanted to leave the booth to pick a fight with Costa Rican head coach, Hernán Medford, (who sort of looks like Barry Bonds, and was wearing a leather jacket from Danier’s “Burt Reynolds Collection” this evening). Craig Forrest might just be a loose cannon….ergo, I recommend his broadcast work to everyone. It’s only a matter of time before he curses on air and gets fired….let’s enjoy him while we have him.

Post Script - In a perfect world, all sporting events would be broadcast by a tandem of Gus Johnson on play-by-play, and Craig Forrest doing colour. (The greatness of Gus Johnson is a story for another day.) For now, just read this post from Awful Announcing. Enjoy the first 42 seconds of the video, and then turn it off immediately.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

This One's For The Archives...

I enjoy using the features provided by Google Analytics to track the few visitors to this site. It's always interesting to find out where my readers are from, and how they came across WWMRD. As you can very well imagine, I'm big in Taiwan whenever I write about Chien Ming Wang. Whenever I write about Brian Melo, Jaydee Bixby or Canadian Idol, I get a ton of hits from a network location called "Colliers". No idea what that's all about.

Anyway, I really was not surprised to see the following network location show up amongst today's hits:

Yes, you read that correctly. The Smithsonian Institute.

Am I honoured? Yes. Surprised? Not really.

It's only fitting that this web-based journal be archived along with Alexander Graham Bell's telephone, an original copy of the Declaration of Independence and other great treasures of history. No doubt the people down at the Smithsonian are getting on the WWMRD bus early.....they have an eye for potential. It's a bit like loading up on Kevin Maas rookie cards....both WWMRD and Maas are sure things.

Dr. Smithsonian, I promise I won't let you down. WWMRD will continue forward with the determination of Daniel E. 'Rudy' Ruettiger, the courageousness of Seabiscuit, and the flair of a young Terrence Trent D'Arby. Goodnight and godspeed.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Why I Hate Everything, Volume MMCCLVI

Contrary to rumour, this is NOT me.

Here are three reasons which may explain why I’m in such a negative mood today.

1. It’s Monday and it’s kind of chilly outside. Looking at the forecast for the coming days, it doesn’t really get all that warm again. Saturday, the 8th of September will go down in history as the last warm day of the year in Toronto. Someone update Wikipedia, as I think I have been banned for defacing Tedy Bruschi’s page.

2. The front page of the Toronto Star sports section had a huge picture of Randy Moss, star of our Lord and Saviour New England Patriots. Columnist Garth Woolsey then follows it up with some of the most controversial reporting in sports – another piece fawning over the greatness of the Patriots and the Colts. Oooh…that is cutting edge. F*cking hell, please write a column that hasn’t already been written by every lazy hack in sports today. If you take the first letter from every second word in the article, Garth delivers a cryptic message. It reads, “Tom – Let’s make a baby! You can name it whatever you want!”

Last time I checked, the Bills were the local team. Is there a paper around that covers them as such? If so, please let me know so I can cancel my subscription to the Star. Maybe one of the Southern Ontario papers would be a better bet. I need something more than just the three sentence AP blurb on page S6.

That said, I’m probably wrong on this. The Star is for readers in Toronto, and Toronto is full of bandwagon sports fans. It’s why you see loads of New England and Indy gear in this city. I saw a guy in a Brandon Merriweather (Pats 2007 1st Round Pick) jersey at the Argos game on Saturday…it didn’t really surprise me. I would have been SHOCKED to see anyone in a Marshawn Lynch or Paul Posluszny jersey. Research shows I am the only person in the 416 with a Donte Whitner jersey. F*ck me, I’m moving to Grimsby.

3. The MTV Video Music Awards were on CTV last night. What the hell? A two-hour extravaganza to showcase everything that is wrong with this shallow word….and it’s all on basic cable! It was broadcast from Las Vegas and featured a bunch of douchebags rocking out to terrible music. (I know I use the term ‘douchebag’ a lot, but the people in attendance at the MTV Awards are the absolute epitome of the word.) It’s good that today’s youth gets some exposure to Las Vegas at a young age, just so they have something to look forward to once they turn 21. No doubt, somewhere some kid is saving up their allowance so one day, they can “live the dream” and party with Paris at the Palms. The dumbing down/whoring up of today’s youth continues.

Further, did anyone read the AP’s coverage of the event? Here’s what they had to say about Britney Spears:

“Out-of-synch lip-synching. Lethargic movements that seemed choreographed by a dance instructor for a nursing home. The paunch in place of Spears' once-taut belly. At times she just stopped singing, as if even she knew nothing could save her performance.”

Fair enough, I have no problem ripping on this girl for doing a terrible job at lip-synching or half-assing the dance moves….but the comment about the “paunch” just seems a offside. Hey, Nekessa Mumby Moody, did you know that Britney has popped out a couple of kids? What does her body shape have to do with this? Are you implying that someone without a perfect body should be criticized and not allowed to perform their vocation? I should put WWMRD on mothballs right now, because my paunch is downright scandalous! I certainly hope you weren’t covering Wilson Phillips back in the 90s. What would you have had to say about poor Carnie?!

Interestingly enough, here’s a small photo of Nekessa Mumby Moody. Make judgements as you see fit.

To close, you’re probably asking what will cheer me up? Well, just watch this video of Marshawn Lynch. This, combined with the miracle 4th down conversion (and ensuing helmet-less celebration) makes me a big fan!

Well, I better run. I just got an email from a "Tong Li" who claims to be my friend. Apparently, he has a lucrative business proposal for me....

Saturday, September 8, 2007

WWMRD - Making Love Happen Since Mid-2007

The world now knows that Bridget Moynahan named her kid, John Edward Thomas Moynahan. The world also now knows that Bridget Moynahan is awesome! Although it probably wasn’t intentional, I’d like to think that she named the kid J.E.T. Moynahan on purpose….just as a big F-U to the babydaddy, Tom Brady.

Bridget – If you REALLY want to stick it to Tom, then I have a proposition for you. You should take this one step further and start dating J.P. Losman. There is little doubt he would make a great father for little JET.

"Alright guys, once we are done with this tree, does anyone want to help me build a Bass Pro?"

I think that most would agree that this concept is both controversial and genius, (a bit like that Hardy Boys novel where they killed their parents, but ultimately it helped them solve the “Mystery of the Missing Allowance”.) The J.P. + Bridget = True Love concept was originally proposed by Steve Holt over at WorldWideNetWeb, I think it makes a LOT of sense.

For Bridget (and whoever else cares), I present the reasons she should date JP Losman:

1. First and foremost, JET needs a daddy.

2. Secondly, JP is a stand up guy. While your ex was out getting coked up with supermodels, JP is out bettering the community. Read about it here: Losman’s cleanup blitz comes up big

3. JP Losman throws a better deep ball that Tom Brady. Skills like that almost always transfer favourably to the bedroom.

4. JP Losman was named Buffalo’s ‘Most Eligible Bachelor’ by Forbes Magazine. He’s now 26, and is probably looking for a love match. No one wants to see him end up on “Confessions of a Matchmaker”. Patti Novak is mean, and would probably tell him to get a haircut.

5. JP is 6’2”. Tom is 6’4”. Clearly your selection of mid-size sedans would be greatly increased without having to worry about buying something to accommodate a 6’4” freak. (Rumour has it that Tom was just 5’4” until he started borrowing Bono’s shoes and hanging out with Dr. William Gogan down at the The Health and Rejuvenation Center).

6. Finally, you’d get to move to Western New York full-time. No doubt, this is a better option than living in Southern California. Since you’re not acting anymore, you’re probably watching your spending habits. Well, guess what? A dollar goes a lot further in WNY that it does in So-Cal. A pitcher of Bud at Kentucky Greg’s is $5.75. The same pitcher of Bud at Spago is $42.95…and at Spago you’d have to drink it in the company of a bunch of douchebags.

Is this enough to convince Bridget? Only Bridget knows. On the off-chance I’m not seeing paparazzi photos of Bridget leaving the Anchor Bar in the next couple weeks, I’ve got a back-up plan. I can’t tell you what it is exactly, but it will be patterned after Hilary Duff’s hijinks in her 2005 documentary, “The Perfect Man”.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Welcome Back Sammy!

"Who wants a limp high five?"

Word on the street, and by "street" I mean "al-Qaeda websites and messageboards", is that Osama bin Laden is about to release his first new tape is almost three years. How exciting!

I've always been intrigued with what this internet-based chatter might say. Luckily, intelligence has provided WWMRD with a translation of the video's announcement. This is taken directly from an al-Qaeda messageboard:

JihadPimp88: Gu3ss what! N3w tap3 from Osama bin Laden coming soon!!
MAF54: OMG!!
Swimfan: STFU - 4 realz?
Azeroth4life: I'm g0nna g0 W0W on Am3rica! Can't wait for my 72 virgins!
JihadPimp88: U wouldn't €v€n know what 2 do with 72 virgins!
MAF54: pwn3d!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Swimfan: LOLZ

I can not reveal my sources, but that is totally legit. Cross my heart.

In addition to the announcement, WWMRD has also been provided with a sneak peak of Osama's message to America. Not surprisingly, it's the usual "Death to America" jibber jabber, along with a few unexpected oddities. Some of these are:

->Fantasy football picks for this week. (He's starting Warrick Dunn over LJ??)

->A bunch of stuff about scrapbooking.

->A medley of songs from "Up with People"

->And the most bizarre, a list of his top 5 superhunks:
  1. Shemar Moore
  2. Zac Efron
  3. The dudes from Right Said Fred (old flames die hard, I guess?)
  4. Cristiano Ronaldo
  5. Siegfried Fischbacher (WTF?)

I would imagine that CNN and the major news outlets are actually going to edit this fluffy stuff out...this is common practice. All of Osama's messages have been similarly diverse, but time is money! This means broadcasters must edit these tapes (some of which are four or five hours long - most notably the one with the "Cirque du Soleil" segment) down to the scariest 30 seconds. Keep 'em scared, because fear sells! There ain't no Tamiflu for jihad!

One day, the good Lord willing, we will finally get to see these tapes in their entirety. I'd look for the DVD boxset sometime around Christmas 2009. No doubt, the outtakes will be priceless!

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Willis McGahee: Confident or Delusional?

"I'm the best running back in the NFL. I am also taller than Yao Ming and smarter than Steven Hawking"

Well eff me. I thought Willis McGahee would have learned better from his "I'm the best back in the NFL" debacle of a couple years ago. Clearly, he has not because he is again running his mouth.

McGahee says he's best back in NFL

The article is quite humorous. I particularly like this passage:

"No doubt [I'm the best]," said the Baltimore Ravens running back. "There may be other guys who have done more [statistically] than me. But if you ask me, I'm always going to tell you I'm the best. I don't care if I rush for only 200 yards. I still feel I'm the best."

I'm speechless. (Actually, I'm not...because if I was, I would have stopped typing.) Willis certainly is confident for a guy who has a career YPC average of under 4 yards, and hasn't played in a game that is even remotely important. If I am to use fantasy draft position as a barometer of who is the best back in the game, Willis is not the best. Sorry. He's actually about 12th to 15th best...unless you're in a league that really incents you to draft QBs or WRs, then he's about 3rd round material.

Willis, in honour of your ignorance and illogical point of view, I have decided that "What Would Mike Reno Do" is the best blog in the world. I am the greatest writer in the world. There may be other guys who have done some more [grammatically] than me. But if you ask me, I'm always going to tell you I'm the best. I don't care if I write 200 words. I still feel I'm the best.

I don't have any problem ripping McGahee. As a Bills fan, he was a glimmer of hope, but most of us could have told you from Day 1 that this relationship was going to end badly...especially since McGahee was represented by that douchebag Drew Rosenhaus.

Myself and a colleague from the web-journal community (Steve Holt over at World Wide Net Web) actually met Willis McGahee at a Baby Joe Mesi fight in Buffalo back in 2003. By "met", I mean we saw him hanging out after the fight....we approached and said something like "How you doin? Welcome to Buffalo. Glad to have you here!" His response was basically a half-assed handshake, only after his handler PR lady gave him the "make nice with the locals" wink. Even though that was a year before he first took the field, that incident was sufficient enough for me to never really be a die-hard fan. Steve Holt bought a jersey...but he may have been drunk. (Apparently people drink at Bills games...who knew?)

Am I a little worried that Willis is going to go for 1800 yards this season? Sure. But I really don't think it is going to happen. He's known as a great power runner, but I haven't seen him deliver a great stiff-arm since his rookie year. He's tentative and likes to dance around. My one compliment of his game is that he could nick an extra yard every once in a while, on a play where you'd figure he was dead and buried. As a guy who's watched LaDanian Tomlinson in person, and a bunch of times on TV, I'll take the back who hits the holes at full speed (Sorry...that sounds dirty. Totally unintenional) and can actually put the ball in the endzone every once in a while.

Anyway...time for bed. Matt Giordano just returned an INT for an 83-yard TD. For now, I'm a fan...just because he might be related to the Chicago deep-dish Giordanos.

The Tom Brady rant that turned into social commentary...

Recently read a story about the paparazzi getting some good shots of Tom Brady, leaving his place in NYC with his most recent girlfriend, Gisele Bündchen. He was en route to pre-season training up in Foxboro with the rest of his glorious New England Patriot teammates. Apparently, questions about the recent birth of Tom's kid with Bridget Moynahan were strictly off-limits at this week's Patriots press conference. Wow! Lucky him. He doesn't have to raise the kid, and now he doesn't even have to talk about it! If the Falcons would have just been smart enough to ban questions about dogs and dogfighting at their camp, they might not have Joey Harrington starting this season.

Well, lucky for us he did speak about the baby....sort of. Here's what he had to say:

“I’d like to just say that there are a lot of those questions and I’m sure you want answers, but I’m really here to talk about football and that’s why I’m here,” he said. “That’s why I come in here every week. I hope you guys respect that. I have a lot of great thoughts on it, but I’d really prefer to share those with my family and my loved ones. It’s a wonderful thing, as I’m sure all the parents out there know already. I’m ready to talk football.”

Ahhhhhhh.....that is SO sweet. He thinks babies are a "wonderful thing". He's going to be a great dad.

Tom on his way to a costume party, dressed as 'Relic' from Beachcombers.

Now, is it just me, or is Tom Brady dodging all kinds of criticism here because he's the white, All-American QB? The tone of most articles about Brady are something along the lines of "Well, he knocked up a girl, then dumped her for a hotter and more famous girl. But hey, he loves the baby, he's a great guy, now let's watch him bag another Superbowl!".

On the other hand, Travis Henry may be bit of an extreme case. He knocked up nine different women, none of which are household names. (Wow....I guess he is Catholic?) Here's what Travis had to say about his situation:

"The important thing is I want to take care of my kids really and truly. It's all good."

So, how come most coverage of the Travis Henry situation is negative and condescending? He's said in his own words that he wants to take care of his kids. He's even borrowed money from his former team to keep up with his support payments. (Although, this may have been done to keep Henry from going to county and missing a few games last season.) It is negative because he is not the aforementioned "white, All-American QB". Angry, white sports writers, (and a good chunk of their audience) have already decided who the bad guys are, they're just waiting for them to do something, so they can tell everyone how bad they really are.

If you meet some or all of the following criteria, then the populous will most likely deem you "a bad guy" :
  • You're black
  • You have dreadlocks, or even worse cornrows.
  • You've got a few tattoos
  • You wear a grill
  • You have a "distinct" name, like Dontarious or Marshawn.
I'm sure there are more triggers, but those are the big ones. These things scare people, hence they pre-judge, hence race issues continue!

A prime example of this is Marshawn Lynch, the Bills first pick in the most recent NFL draft. During the draft process, the short profile you'd read everywhere about Lynch went something like, "Great RB. Can catch the ball out of the backfield. Has character issues." These "character issues" include getting shot AT (in an apparent case of mistaken identity) and being accused of assaulting his girlfriend, (charges which the DA declined to press, citing a lack of evidence and "grave inconsistencies" in the alleged victim's accusations. [from wiki]) Not a clean record, but not exactly public enemy number one.

Going beyond the headlines, and actually listening to Marshawn Lynch speak, he comes across as a modest, humble "Mama's Boy" (as his tattoo reads). This article from the New York Times goes into a little more detail about Lynch, the family man:

Bills Are Hoping Lynch Will Run the Ball, Not His Mouth

So, why was the negative storyline the one to run at draft time? Well, I guess one reason is that so-called draft experts need another side of the coin to talk about...you can't just say "Oh, this guy is a great back. End of analysis." Need that counter point. So it becomes, "great back with character issues" for Marshawn, just as it was "great back with injury/durability issues" for Adrian Peterson. The thing is, the "character issue" angle was a total lazy and poor research cop-out. A number of columnists/draft gurus had an inch and took a mile. No doubt, it seemed like an easy sell when you've got a guy named "Marshawn", who grew up in Oakland and is sporting dreadlocks and a grill in his press photo. He MUST be a bad guy,right??

Consider this.....if there were photos of Tom Brady poaching elephants while eating a veal and foie gras sandwich, would he instantly become one of the most hated men in America? I doubt it. Alternatively, if Michael Vick were to leave his pregnant girlfiend for a supermodel, don't you think he'd be put through the ringer by the family values police?

Lamb fighting is a crime!

Wow. I apologize....what started as my weekly crack at Tom Brady and/or the Patriots turned into an essay on race issues in America. I'm naive and somewhat insulated up here in Toronto, so maybe it's not really my place to stick my nose into. These are just my thoughts....

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

I expected more...

I expected more from you, headline writers of the world. Chien Ming Wang pitches tonight, and all you can come up with is "Wang wins 17th". Boo-urns. We deserve more. Chien Ming Wang deserves more. I will be up early, hopefully some good headlines will be sent out overnight...

In the meantime, enjoy this awesome video of Fulham's Diomansy Kamara's goal vs Tottenham Hotspur this past weekend.

I've been out of the loop a bit on the Premiership so far this season, but that is the best goal I have seen so far. I nicked this from YouTube, so I really don't have any idea why the kids who posted this decided to add their own version on at the end. I'm pretty sure Diomansy Kamara did not drop his pants in the celebration though....

Appalachian Who?

As many of WWMRD's sporting readers already know, Appalachian State pulled off the miracle upset of Michigan (at the Big House, no less) this past weekend, and effectively ended Michigan's shot at a national title. Wow. Tough break.

You know, that is one think I like about the NFL. The "there is always next week" excuse will work for a good part of the season. For the past few seasons, I spend a good part of November calculating what has to happen elsewhere in the AFC for the Bills to make the playoffs. This is always assuming the Bills will run the table. I don't think I could take it if championship hopes could be crushed on any given week. It's pretty much an 11/12 game playoff run.

Anyway. Good for those kids from rural North Carolina. I really don't have anything to add here, I just wanted to write something so I could include this picture. I had no idea Jack Black was an Appalachian State Mountaineer.

Chemical Ali is getting off easy!! [That's what she said]

So, Ali Hassan al-Majeed aka 'Chemical Ali' is finally going to hang for his crimes. He's going down along with his sidekicks, Sultan Hashem Ahmed and Hussein Rashid Mohammed. Not really sure what the other guys did, but it is a shame they don't have great nicknames like Chemical Ali, (or Chem-Al to his friends and the sportscasters at ESPN.)

Judge: 'Chemical Ali,' 2 others to be hanged

Hanging? It's not exactly the serene cakewalk of a lethal injection, but still pretty light in terms of execution styles. Sure...your head might pop off, but who cares! If I were hung (hanged?) I'd want my head to pop off so there'd be much more mess and gore for those jerk executioners to clean up! It takes more than windex to get spinal fluid out of a cement floor!

"Now use your left hand to rub your stomach in a circular motion. It's tough, eh?"

Clearly, to hang them would be a cop out. These guys killed 100,000 people by much more gruesome methods. Here are my suggestions for some more fitting execution methods:

1. Gored on a meat hook, then pushed into some sort of machinery or a blast furnace. A lá the bad guy in Stallone's 1986 masterpiece, "Cobra".

2. Put him in a Tom Brady jersey and leave him alone with Paul Posluszny. Alternatively, start a rumour that he said some sh*t about Matt Stairs.

3. Take him up in one of those research planes that follow storms and push him out into the middle of Hurricane Felix. It would finally end the "if you fell out of a plane into a hurricane, what would kill you? The storm, the fall, or the shock of being pushed out of a plane into a storm?" debate.

4. Perhaps the ultimate method of torture would be to force him to direct a used car commercial somewhere in middle America. There is no doubt he would eventually kill himself after a few hours of taking orders from some small town used car dealer. You would too if you had your artisic vision interferred with by demands like:

  • "Hey Ali, get a shot of Amanda and her cousins holding the Stars and Stripes over by the 89s...that'll be real cute."

  • "Yes, I am going to wear this eagle costume. USA! USA!"

  • "Forget your music....my band is providing the soundtrack. We're heavily influenced by Frank D’Angelo and the Steelback 24."

  • "We need more yelling!"

Well, that's all I got...we can all agree that Chemical Ali is a douchebag. Nix that, Chemical Ali is a huge douchebag. So are Sultan Hashem Ahmed and Hussein Rashid Mohammed.

Feel free to leave your favourite forms of execution in the comments section below. Chien-Ming Wang is pitching today, so I will hopefully be back later with a hilarious headline!!!

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Who knew Champ Car was so risque?

A nice performance by Sebastien Bourdais.

Consider me a Dave Bresnahan fan...

I love minor league baseball….I really do. A few years ago, I claimed my dream job would be “Minor League Baseball Baron”. Owning a minor league baseball team in small town America and peppering the games with zany promotions would be a dream come true. I’d be a poor man’s Bill Veeck, without all the smoking and Minnie Miñoso apperances. (Actually, I would totally let an old guy pitch a few innings per year. Pascual Perez or Oil Can Boyd are the leading candidates.)

As long as the team is doing well, I would imagine that the baseball baron would be a bit of a local celebrity…and that’s fine with me. I’d want to roll with the local heavyweights, like the charismatic/annoying used car dealer or the guy who played Division II college ball back in the day. When they go out, these are the people who get a little extra butter on their grits, no charge. That said, if I was a baseball baron and the team sucked, I’d probably get a little extra spit in my grits as well. That is not a good thing.

The reason I love minor league baseball has a lot to do with hijinks like this:

Tater toss

Yahoo’s Jeff Passan tells us about the story of Dave Bresnahan, and the potato toss caper which took place 20 years ago yesterday. (I must say, when I first read the 20 years ago part, I thought to myself “Wow….what a prankster. The mid-70s must have been great.” Then I realized that 20 years ago was 1987. That wasn’t that long ago. I am getting old.)

Sorry, back to Dave Bresnahan. You can read all the awesome details in the story, but the short version is this: Dave Bresnahan was an ultra light-hitting (.149) catcher for the Double-A Williamsport Bills. [GO BILLS!] As the season was winding down, he decided to smuggle a peeled potato out on the field and attempt to pick-off a runner on 3rd with it. He purposely threw the ball away, and tag out the advancing runner with the real ball, which was still in his glove. In my opinion, it’s genius.

The result? The runner was awarded home. Bresnahan was pulled from the game and fined a whopping $50. The next day he was released by the organization….which isn’t really surprising considering he was hitting a buck forty nine.

Now THAT is going out in a blaze of glory. (Internet rumour suggests that Jon Bon Jovi was inspired by this incident when writing the song of the same name.) The season was winding down, and I would imagine that Bresnahan knew he wasn’t going to make the bigs. So, he decides to line up one last caper

Fast forward 20 years. Bresnahan claims that people still ask him about the potato every day, (he’s probably big in Idaho.) He’s got his own bobblehead! How great is having that kind of novelty, harmless notoriety? It’s a much better legacy than just being known as a catcher who couldn’t hit.

If I were a minor league baseball baron, this type of behaviour would totally fly on my team. It would be rewarded with Applebees gift certificates and good seats on the bus. That is unless we were in a pennant race….then you’d be punished by having to wash my Cadillac…I would DEFINITELY drive a Caddy.

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