New England Patriots move atop BCS standings

By MIKE RENO, AP College Football Writer

November 18, 2007

NEW YORK (AP) - With college football fans not interested in a LSU-Kansas title game, the committee in charge of the Bowl Championship Series today moved the New England Patriots to the top of the BCS standings.

"While LSU deserves a spot in the National Championship game, we did not realize the University of Kansas had a football program. They kind of snuck up on us." said BCS spokesman Randy Hands. "At this time, we do not feel they are deserving of a shot at the title."

Without a worthy opponent available in the college ranks, the BCS has decided to award the New England Patriots with a BCS average of 1.000. This perfect ranking puts them into the title match, without having played a game against a NCAA opponent.

"They're so dreamy," said Hands. "we feel we'd be doing a disservice to Christians everywhere by not giving our lord and saviour Bill Belichick, a shot at the title."

Pats linebacker Tedy Bruschi welcomed the opportunity to play in New Orleans.

"Assured of a first round bye, we will be available to play on January 8th," Bruschi said. "and New Orleans is a great place to cheat on your wife with a tranny".

Tedy Bruschi displaying the evidence of his most recent encounter with a tranny.

Quarterback Tom Brady was a little less enthusiastic about the opportunity.

"I had planned on spending some time with family that week," commented the quarterback and recently-named successor to Pope Benedict XVI. "Oh no, not my son Craig, I will be with Giselle. What? His name's not Craig?"

As the Patriots have not had an opportunity to scout NCAA opponents this year, LSU head coach Les Miles has agreed to hand over his team's playbook for the final game.

"They were going to get the plays one way or another," said Miles. "This keeps Matt Estrella off our sidelines the next couple weeks. Estrella is such a fantastic videographer, his handiwork and flawless technique with the camera would be just too distracting for our guys."

BCS officials have stated that even though they have already decided to award the Patriots with the National Championship, the January 8th title game will be played out, "for shits and giggles."

With the game just over seven weeks away, oddsmakers have made the Patriots infinity point favourites.

Bill Belichick - Cheating on his Mistress with Al Michaels?!?

Bill Belichick swaps outfits with a homeless man, in an attempt to escape the media's glare.

Readers – consider yourselves lucky if you have a job, and were therefore unable to stay up and watch the end of the Patriots – Chargers game on Sunday night. You really did yourself a favour by not watching a grown man, Al Michaels, fawning over crooked Bill Belichick, and the rest of the Patriots organization.

Now, don’t get me wrong….The Patriots are a good team, you can’t really deny that. They hammered the Chargers and were very discrete in their cheating this week, (they couldn’t just point a video camera at the opposing defensive co-ordinator, they probably had to use some sort of spy camera. Google and the CIA were in on it.)

The way Al Michaels spoke at the end of the game, you would have thought that Bill Belichick’s family was murdered, or the Pat’s practice facility was attacked by terrorists earlier in the week. I’m going from memory here, but at one point I’m pretty sure Michaels used the term “overcame adversity” to describe Belichick’s week. The sight of Belichick running down the tunnel, so cleverly shot by NBC to show delusional Pats fans, not to mention some random soldiers clapping and saluting the dumpy one, was enough to make anyone who is NOT a Pats fan, (legitimate or the much more popular bandwagon variety) sick.

Hey Al Michaels – here’s a history lesson. Jackie Robinson overcame adversity. Bill Belichick did not.

What Bill Belichick did is in no way different from what Barry Bonds apparently did. In my opinion, it’s a LOT worse than anything Pete Rose did. For some reason, Belichick is treated like the victim who overcame the big, bad media accusations and made good. A real American hero! Barry Bonds will forever live with a “Yeah, but” included in any discussion of his accomplishments. Pete Rose, who defined what it is to be a ball player, (on the field, at least), has become a side-show. Banned from baseball for betting on his team to WIN. How does that make any sense?

I could go on all day…but I’m not going to. It honestly makes me too angry. I really won’t be happy about any of this until the NFL hands down a real punishment. A $500,000 fine isn’t much when you make $4.2 million a year. You’re kidding yourself if you don’t think Bob Kraft tacked an extra $500K to the signing bonus of the contract extension Belichick signed this week.

I thank the NFL for giving me three hours of my life back though. I’m not going to even bother watching the Bills-Patriots next week. The self-torture of watching that game would be akin to the actions of those weirdos who deliberately burn themselves and/or cut off their limbs. There is no logical reason to put myself through that.