Friday, September 14, 2007

Love Me Two (or more) Times - The Warren Jeffs Story

You can buy this outside the BYU football stadium, along with sketches of Dale Earnhardt, Steve Young and Jeff Hornacek.

Read an interesting article this morning about a creepy guy named Warren Jeffs. He’s the leader of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. He also pro-polygamy and one must assume he has many wives.

Child bride testifies against polygamist 'prophet'

Hey Warren Jeffs – you crazy. First off, you can NOT trust someone with two first names, (you hear me Reggie Wayne?). Secondly, he sounds like a terrible guy who abuses his power, is a huge racist, and likes to perform marriage ceremonies on children. Boo-urns to that. It’s probably the best for everyone if this guy is locked up for a long time.

I guess it is for the best that polygamy is illegal. Or is it? There must be some healthy cases of polygamy somewhere…no? Why punish the few that are happy, just because a few crazies think they are a prophet and want teenage cousins to marry (and probably marry often)?

Is it possible that polygamy is illegal because politicians/lawmakers are forced to tow the company line, and preach about family values? Do you not think that there are some politicians out there who would secretly love to have a harem of girls (or guys) to go home to every night? Since they aren’t allowed to indulge, they’re going to be damn sure that no one gets the chance.

To that I say, don’t be jealous. Don’t hate the player, or the game. Hate the fact that you only have one wife, and aren’t allowed to keep a few more. Hate the fact you have to go through the hassles of keeping your girlfriends/boyfriends incognito, and confined to airport restrooms and the brothels of Capitol Hill. Why punish the tax-paying, otherwise law-abiding polygamists elsewhere? It’s not cool.

Personally, I can’t imagine having many wives. I’m good with one. In case you are wondering, and I bet you are, here are my top 5 reasons why I think polygamy would be a pain in the ass:

1. Cost of Living – I don’t really understand polygamy? Do each of the wives have their own bedroom, or does everyone pile into one king size bed? I would assume the latter. If I’m wrong, they each polygamist would need to own a home with at least eight bedrooms. That’s not cheap…even in rural Utah. Maybe that explains why they don’t drink…they can afford it with all the massive mortgage payments.

2. Catfights – As a connoisseur of the early years of reality television, I know that making a bunch of women live together is a recipe for disaster. It’s only that much more explosive once you consider they are all competing for the attention of one guy. The average home in Utah must make Big Brother look like Fred Rogers place.

3. Closet Space – you better hope your wardrobe consists of a few burlap sacks that you can keep in the garage…because you’re not getting any closet space in the house with five or six women.

4. Bathroom Time – Occasionally, my wife will work on her hair for over an hour. Combine this with showering and the application of a variety of lotions, and you are looking at two hours or more – just to get ready for a nice evening out. With a bunch of wives, forget about it… You’d have to start planning weeks in advance just to get to Applebee’s. No eatin’ good in the neighbourhood for you!

5. Access to Television – can’t wait to watch the Utah Jazz play tonight? Forget about it. Your TV would be overrun by Sex and the City, The View, Desperate Housewives and Wonder Woman re-runs. If you’re very lucky, you might get to watch a WNBA game…but to be honest, do you really want to?

So, in conclusion, I offer this open letter to the polygamists of America.

Dear Polygamists,

I’ve got the answer to all your problems. I ask for nothing in return, except an honourary doctorate from BYU. It’s so simple, you’re going to kick yourself for not thinking of it sooner…

Don’t get married!

It’s worked for Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. And now that I think about it, I don’t think Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins are married either. Look how happy they are? It seems that having multiple girlfriends is something that is celebrated in our culture…isn’t that right, Hugh Hefner? It makes you look like a really cool guy…especially if you are your girlfriends are really hot.

The legal problems arise once you try to marry all your girlfriends. Multiple wives aren’t considered that cool at all. So why bother? You save money on a wedding, stay out of the courts, and look like the coolest guy in Provo since Ty Detmer.

Polygamists – you’re welcome!

My finest regards,


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