Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Orville Frank Mader joke of the day...

Q: What do Christopher Paul Neil and Orville Mader have in common?
A: They're both dirty pervs!! Probably both Canucks fans too.

It's not really a joke, more of an observation...

Genarlow Wilson vs Gary Bettman. One of them needs to be locked up...the other is named Genarlow.

The pending return to work has left me unable to think clearly. For those who wanted me to pound out a quick 1000 words on world affairs….it ain’t gonna happen. In lieu of anything good, I present some quick blurbs, as it is all I can muster up right now. I think I may have developed an adult version of Attention Defici….

Genarlow Wilson – what up with that?

What kind of world do we live in where Genarlow Wilson gets locked up and balding Bruce Wayne goes free?

By now, I assume most people have heard about the case of Wilson v. State of Georgia. If not, here’s the short version: Poor Genarlow Wilson was sentenced, (as a 17 year old) to 10 years in the clink for getting a hummer from a 15 year old girl. Ah, puppy love gone wrong.

Thankfully, after being locked up for two years, Genarlow was released after the Georgia Supreme Court voted 4-3 that his internment amounted to cruel and unusual punishment. No sh*t.

Personally, I'm glad that the foward-thinking state of Georgia came to its senses and freed Genarlow. What amazes me most about the whole thing is that people aren’t making a bigger deal out of the fact Genarlow Wilson’s lawyer is named “B.J.” That’s funny, funny stuff….

Gary Bettman remains a douche.

For Halloween, Gary dressed up as an owl. Wait, that's not a mask?

The Detroit Red Wings are good - and have been so for a long time. For that reason, I am going to assume that their GM, Ken Holland, is a smart guy. If Gary Bettman was a smart guy, he would have heeded Ken Holland’s advice for an expanded 84-game NHL schedule, which would feature a home-and-away game against every out of conference team.

That makes a little too much sense…doesn’t it? It would mean we get to see Jarome Iginla, Joe Thornton and Joe Sakic each and every year at the ACC. I much prefer this to seeing Chris Neil's ugly mug 20 times per season.

Gary Bettman, hockey genius, decided this was a bad idea and kiboshed the proposal straight away, even though it had the backing of a number of other GMs, not to mention hockey fans everywhere!

OK, Gary. If you’ve got a valid reason for canning this proposal, then fair enough…but it doesn’t seem like you do. Here’s a quote from the article:

“Sources say Bettman was not pleased with the way the NHL schedule was so hotly and openly contested by league executives last season and intends to keep a lid on public debate this year.”

Wow. I didn’t realize we lived in Burma. Open debate is bad thing, I guess.

It sounds like old Gary doesn’t like it when someone questions or challenges his game plan. He squashed the new schedule, just like he squashed Jim Balsillie’s attempt to move a team from a southern market to an actual hockey town. As long as Gary B. is around, the NHL will continue with its stupid schedule and teams in ridiculous places. Thanks for nothing Gary.

Well…that’s all I got for now. It’s a big day….Halloween, Raptors season opener, not to mention Bob Pollard’s 50th birthday. I’m going to celebrate by eating a Heath bar and washing it down with an ice cold Bud….all while wearing my Jose Calderon jersey.

As for you – you can read this:

The KSK Guide To Being An Insufferable A--hole S--thead F--kface Fan Of Boston-Area Sports Teams

It’s absolutely spot on….

Thursday, October 25, 2007

The Next Great Rivalry - WWMRD speaks!

Afghani Sea World does not seem like a fun place at all....

If you've been keeping up on your required reading, there is no doubt you've read Steve Holt's throwdown over at WorldWideNetWeb. Yes...this weekend is the first annual East Toronto Iron Chef Challenge. It's shaping up to be legendary.

Strange Mr. Holt would refer to the events of 10/27 as a 'rivalry'? Wouldn't a 'rivalry' somehow imply that each team has a chance of winning? This is more of a mercy killing and my team will be playing the role of Michael Schiavo.

Actually, let’s leave the Schiavos out of this. For ease of discussion, let us refer to Steve Holt's team as the “Dolphins”. I do this because:

1. One team member runs a web journal with a teal background and sort of looks like Larry Csonka.
2. Another team member once owned a Zubaz Miami Dolphins hat in 9th grade.
3. The final team member works for a pizza chain which actually serves dolphin on their pizzas. For shame.

So, yeah....this isn't 1972, (although, if you looked at the lapels on Steve Holt’s jackets, you could be convinced otherwise). In 2007, being called the Dolphins is not a compliment. It’s pretty much on par with being called an “enemy combantant” or “Christopher Paul Neil”.

Since Holt’s team is going with “Dolphins”, there’s only one logical name for our team. We are the "Awesome Tuna Fleet”.

Why will the Awesome Tuna Fleet prevail this Saturday?

1. Age is on our side. The Dolphins have an average age on the north side of 30. The average age of the Awesome Tuna Fleet comes in under 30. Everyone knows that at 30, you become useless and decrepit. Except for me - I remain awesome.

2. No Cookbooks. Wow, the Dolphins really shot themselves in the foot by insisting on this rule. I guess this means they won’t be able to go to their old standby – the works of Rachael Ray. Without her inspiration, the best we can hope for from the Fins is buttered bread.

3. Babies. Each of the Dolphins has a baby daughter. The Awesome Tuna Fleet are untethered by the constraints of these little poop machines. While we are enjoying a peaceful 12 hours of sleep on Friday night, the Dolphins will be up changing diapers and singing nonsensical lullabies. Let's just hope they wash their hands before entering kitchen stadium.

So, it’s settled. The Awesome Tuna Fleet will win handily. We’ll go along with this event because it will be fun to see Steve Holt trying to squeeze into the chefs jacket he borrowed from Mario Batali. Good thing there’ll be lots of butter around.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

What do Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Elmer Fudd have in common?

Dude....that's pretty gay.

I have a conspiracy theory. Want to hear it?? Good…I thought so.

As everyone knows, the world is just a puppet show with the strings pulled by members of the Bilderberg Group. They call the shots on everything from “who’s going to win the Superbowl” to “which third world bus is going to crash into a ravine this week”. With TV culture and celebrity obsession reaching a fever pitch, I believe that the Bilderbergs now have ex-TV writers plotting the script which is world politics. More specifically, they’ve hired ex-cartoon writers!

Here’s a fact - there are not as many cartoons on TV as there used to be. I grew up in an era of Saturday mornings filled with five solid hours of cartoons on every network. Once cartoons were done, rasslin’ came on. It was a nice little Saturday. Nowadays, it seems that Saturday morning television is filled with infomercials and other nonsense.

So, what happened to all the people who used to write the scripts for The Smurfs, Snorks and Scoobie Doo?!  They were all offered princely sums of money to go write scripts for the Bilderbergs. The shortage of cartoon writers has lead to the proliferation of shows like “Hannah Montana” and “That’s So Raven”. These shows did not require cartoon writers, and could be put together by all the out-of-work sitcom writers.

Still don’t believe me? Then explain to me why every world leader who is perceived as an enemy by the west kind of seems like a cartoon character? Come on….is anyone actually scared of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or Kim Jong-il? At best, they could be described as “dastardly”. The only threat they pose is as the holder of nuclear weapons, which are not unlike Gargamel’s magnet that only attracted things that were blue. At the end of the day, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Kim Jong-il and Elmer Fudd are cute little buggers who make us love to hate them. Nothing less, nothing more.

What? You still don’t believe me? Well then you should consider this: Hanna-Barbera, arguably the greatest cartoon studio of all time, was purchased by Turner Broadcasting in 1991. Ted Turner is a long time Bilderberg attendee.  If that's not a smoking gun, I don't know what is!

Case closed!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Mirazur - Great Restaurant or the Greatest Restaurant?

Well, here comes a new feature on review!

Myself and wife just got back from our honeymoon in the UK, France and Italy. Considering how much we ate, we're lucky to have not put on 20 to 30 pounds (each). I assume this has to do with the fact we were smoking at a Dice Clay-ian pace. Actually, we weren’t….but it would have been cool/sophisticated if we were.

Anyway, I like restaurants, but I am not really the type to write about them, (I leave that to people who know how to write properly…most of my adjectives are swear words). I prefer to rant about how much my stable of sports teams sucks….so this is a nice, little change of pace. The restaurant to be discussed today is called Mirazur, and is located in Menton, France. The short review is this: Best meal I’ve ever had! For the long review, see below.

First things first – If you are taking the train to Mirazur, get off at the Menton Garavan stop….not the main Menton train station. Mirazur is about a 10 minute walk from the Garavan stop, but closer to 45 minutes from the main stop. Less walking is better.

We hiked up the hill towards the restaurant, and I must say I was somewhat nervous about our pending arrival to the fancy, Michelin-rated establishment. Would they kick me out straight away for looking like a homeless guy? Thankfully, they did not. Upon arrival, we were warmly greeted by Guillaume Mantis…a guy who could be described as both ‘classy’ and ‘slick’. I was somewhat worried that my wife would want to leave me for him….and to be honest, I wouldn’t have really blamed her.

After admiring the stunning view for a while, we opted for the 9 course Menu Dégustation….which at 75€ may be the best bargain since Matt Stairs. Before the first course arrived, we ordered some champagne and were provided with some amuse bouche.

From right to left:

-Olive oil and honey, infused with CO2. Effectively, these are gourmet pop rocks.
-Ricotta with some flowers from the garden and little pieces of citrus. The texture of the citrus was almost like caviar, but it was not. Who knows…I could be wrong….but I think it was grapefruit.
-Duck breast with cream and oil.
-Cucumber and mint soup.

At this point, I was fairly certain we were in for quite a meal.

1st Course – Oeuf de poule cuit à basse temperature (Ogre perlé aux algues fraiches)

This was an egg, poached a low temperature for 35 minutes. It was served on top of barley along with seaweed and salt. The grain was cooked so it retained a lot of its texture, which was nice. I imagine this type of classy breakfast is what rich people eat every day.

2nd Course - Velouté de pomme de terre Vitelotte (Espuma au café de Columbie)

A creamy potato soup made with Vitelotte potatoes. (Vitelottes are purple, and somewhat sweet). This soup was topped with a foam flavoured with coffee. Of course, this tasted wonderful…but my favourite part of this dish was the different temperature of each layer. The cool foam on top seemed to somehow insulate the warm soup underneath. The temperature of the soup came as a surprise, not unlike finding a warm spot in a public swimming pool.

3rd Course - Jardin d'automne (Légumes cuits et crus dans un boullon au parmesan)

A bowl of seven different types of vegetables from their garden. On top of this a bouillon flavoured with parmigiano reggiano. A classy cheese and vegetable soup.

4th Course - Oursin de Méditerranée (Sauce pimenté et émulsion d'amandes)

Awesome….sea urchin. I was quite looking forward to this course, as I am a big fan of uni whenever I go for sushi. It’s strange that something so ugly and scary looking can turn out to be possibly the best tasting food in the world. They’re a bit like the Pittsburgh Pirates of the mid-70s…..great team, horrible uniforms. This was served in the shell, along with a slightly spicy sauce and an almond emulsion.

5th Course - Foie gras des Landes grillé (Mousseline de betterave et citron de notre jardin)

Grilled foie gras. ‘Nuff said. The side off lemon and beet is a seemingly simple sweet and sour combo that I wish I had thought of myself. I can’t believe some politicians have moved to ban the sale and production of foie gras. It makes about as much sense as banning stem cell research! (Oh wait…politicians aren’t cool with that either?!!?) I maintain that any animal rights activist would ram the funnel down the duck/goose’s throat themselves if they ever actually gave up their all grain diet and tried some foie gras. Did I say that sea urchin was the best food in the world? I might have meant foie gras.

6th Course - Poisson de la pèche locale (Oseille sauvage et sauce fumée)

Some kind of local white fish served with foamy sauce of smoked fish and clams. I’ve occasionally cooked fish and thought to myself, “wow…that turned out well”. I now know that I wasn’t even close. This fish was cooked PERFECTLY….I don’t know of any other way to describe it. It seemed to be poached, but I could be wrong.

7th Course - Souris d'agneau de Sisteron (Risotto à la menthe de marées)

Lamb, cooked for 30 hours and served with mint risotto. Again…it was pretty much perfect, (seems to be a running theme here).

8th Course - Pré-dessert

Any restaurant that serves a dessert appetizer is OK with me. For this course, we had a pineapple sorbet, along with a mousse flavoured with some kind of flower, and a nettle jelly. This is much fancier than most desserts I have…..because to be honest, I normally have Oreo ice cream.

9th Course – Dessert

Ice cream along with a chocolate truffle and hazelnut pralines…..served on a bed of shaved coco. Is there any point telling you how awesome this was, or is that just being redundant?

Bonus Course – Coffee and more dessert!

Along with our coffees, we were served a selection of home made sweets. From right to left:

-Lemon custard on shortbread
-Chocolate something. They looked like cookies, but had the taste and texture of marshmallows.
-Muffin with a dried cherry.
-White chocolate containing a dried apricot, a hazelnut and a pistachio. (My favourite)
-Some kind of chewy chocolate cookie with nuts

3+ hours later – we were finally done. I really could have stayed and started the whole process over again…but that would just be gluttonous, (not that there’s anything wrong with that). I had mixed feelings about finding out the chef, Mauro Colagreco, was actually younger than me. On one hand, it will be fun to say in 20 years that we ate at Mirazur way back when – at that time I would expect Colagreco to have multiple accolades and charging a small ransom for his food. On the other hand, it makes me feel old and useless.

Here are the details for Mirazur:

30, avenue Aristide Briand
Menton, France.
Phone: +33 (0)4-92-41-86-86.
Web Site:

I would HIGHLY recommend this place to anyone who finds themselves in Southern France or Northern Italy. Definitely worth the trip. The fact that it’s on the main rail line along the Cote D’Azur makes it very easy to get to. You really don’t have any excuse not to go here….

Friday, October 19, 2007

Christopher Paul Neil - EXPOSED!

After a three week hiatus, WWMRD is back!!!

A lot of people have been asking me, “Hey – Where are you? We’ve come to rely on our daily fix of WWMRD and you have let us down. What gives?”

I have been forced to tell everyone that I was on my honeymoon in Europe, when in fact I was deep in the jungles of SE Asia, tracking down the notorious perv Christopher Paul Neil. Once Thai authorities were finally able to bag him, I’ve been allowed to return home.

As a service to WWMRD’s readers, I’m able to show you two very recent photos of Mr. Neil. The first shows him being lead into the courtroom with his face covered in a blue towel. The second shows him with said towel removed.

The second photo is very, very disturbing. Christopher Paul Neil displays all the tell-tale trademarks of a sexual predator:

1. Ginger hair.
2. Goofy smile.
3. Listens to a lot of Gary Glitter.

[note – almost all predators listen to Gary Glitter. Apparently, he’s a bit of a folk hero in the perv scene. The tradition of playing Glitter’s "Rock and Roll Part 2" at NHL games got it’s start at Maple Leaf Gardens in the 1970s….around the same time Gordon Stuckless was put in charge of working the PA at Leafs games.]

Some might think that finding someone matching this description would be simple - as you would think he’d stand out in a crowd anywhere in Thailand. This was not the case, as in fact there are boatloads of creepy looking predators in Thailand. Most of them looked like this guy:

We were able to track him down because he was the only one of these guys who was wearing a Larry Walker jersey. Hopefully this incident does not soil the good name of Maple Ridge, BC forever. The ghost of Greg Moore weeps.

So there you have it….we got our man. I’m glad to be back home, because after three weeks of heavy usage of the terms “Bangkok” and “Interpol” (which kind of sounds like “enter pole”), I’m all giggled out.

Good readers do not worry. WWMRD is back online. I will have an update on my “real” honeymoon later today…or maybe tomorrow…or Monday. God bless.

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