Sunday, November 18, 2007

New England Patriots move atop BCS standings

By MIKE RENO, AP College Football Writer

November 18, 2007

NEW YORK (AP) - With college football fans not interested in a LSU-Kansas title game, the committee in charge of the Bowl Championship Series today moved the New England Patriots to the top of the BCS standings.

"While LSU deserves a spot in the National Championship game, we did not realize the University of Kansas had a football program. They kind of snuck up on us." said BCS spokesman Randy Hands. "At this time, we do not feel they are deserving of a shot at the title."

Without a worthy opponent available in the college ranks, the BCS has decided to award the New England Patriots with a BCS average of 1.000. This perfect ranking puts them into the title match, without having played a game against a NCAA opponent.

"They're so dreamy," said Hands. "we feel we'd be doing a disservice to Christians everywhere by not giving our lord and saviour Bill Belichick, a shot at the title."

Pats linebacker Tedy Bruschi welcomed the opportunity to play in New Orleans.

"Assured of a first round bye, we will be available to play on January 8th," Bruschi said. "and New Orleans is a great place to cheat on your wife with a tranny".

Tedy Bruschi displaying the evidence of his most recent encounter with a tranny.

Quarterback Tom Brady was a little less enthusiastic about the opportunity.

"I had planned on spending some time with family that week," commented the quarterback and recently-named successor to Pope Benedict XVI. "Oh no, not my son Craig, I will be with Giselle. What? His name's not Craig?"

As the Patriots have not had an opportunity to scout NCAA opponents this year, LSU head coach Les Miles has agreed to hand over his team's playbook for the final game.

"They were going to get the plays one way or another," said Miles. "This keeps Matt Estrella off our sidelines the next couple weeks. Estrella is such a fantastic videographer, his handiwork and flawless technique with the camera would be just too distracting for our guys."

BCS officials have stated that even though they have already decided to award the Patriots with the National Championship, the January 8th title game will be played out, "for shits and giggles."

With the game just over seven weeks away, oddsmakers have made the Patriots infinity point favourites.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Buffalo - you've got a job to do! The pay is not so good, (but it will look great on a resume)

Gisele Bündchen once dated the keyboard player from Honeymoon Suite.

When a visiting team comes to B-Lo, does anyone know where they stay? Anyone?

The luxurious Mansion on Delaware is far too small to hold the team, although maybe pretty boy and his current German-Brazilian beard stay there. (Side note: Is it just me, or is Gisele Bündchen aging badly? Seriously! I used to think she was foxy back in the day, but every time I see her now, I think she kind of looks like Steffi Graf. That’s not a compliment.) If they are staying there, I hope the ghost that haunts the fourth floor terrorizes them.

Actually, wait a sec....I know this....the rest of the team is staying at the Hyatt. I know this because Steve Holt over at WorldWideNetWeb stayed there last year and had a run in with LaDanian Tomlinson, a J-Lo tracksuit wearing Phil Rivers, and a piano player who was kind of racist. But as Hammy Hamster says, that’s another story….

To the good kids of Buffalo: I encourage you this coming Saturday, after a night of revelry on Chippewa Street, to make the short walk over to the Hyatt and raise hell. It will be fun - and for a good cause!

To make it real easy, I have presented some easy to follow steps:

1. Leave you bar of choice between the hours of 1 and 4am. The drunker the better.

2. Head over to Jim’s Steak-Out and grab a hoagie.

3. Walk up to the Hyatt. If someone who sort of looks like a hooker asks you for a light, BE CAREFUL! She will try to grab your package. This is fact.

4. Run Wild. Make lots of noise. Make sure the Pats don’t sleep a wink. There’s no security at the Hyatt…..and even if there is, do you think they’re going to care if you f*ck with the douchebag Pats? Not bloody likely.

5. If you happen to see Tedy Bruschi, kick him in the nuts. Then make a joke about people who suffer from roid-induced strokes.

Is this course of action offside? Hardly. If you check Facebook, you'd see that one Bill Belichick started a group prior to Week 3 that encouraged local fratboys to take time off from fantasizing about showering with Terry Francona to disrupt the travelling Bills. He also started a group encouraging people to commit adultery with chicks from Jersey who aren't that hot.

Would you pay this woman $30,000 a month to be your girlfriend? Belichick would.

So, there it is kids….I suppose this qualifies as a “call to arms”. If you go to UB, ECC or even D’Youville College – pass this message on to your friends and classmates. Everyone knows this is a far more worthy cause than any disease…including rabies.

Friday, November 2, 2007

A tribute to my final day of vacation....

After four months of relative leisure, I am back to the world of work on Monday. This is both fortunate and unfortunate, depends how you look at it. Fortunate in the sense that my creditors will no longer be out for blood. Unfortunate in the sense that working significantly cuts into leisure time.

What will happen to WWMRD? That remains to be seen. Updates may be sporadic at first, until I am comfortable enough to write text on company time. In the meantime, please enjoy the piece below entitled, "My Summer - Photos from a Telephone". It's loosely considered photojournalism...

Here's a photo of me, along with Bret Michaels, the charismatic frontman of the awesome band Poison. This was taken in the concourse down at the Rogers Centre. As everyone already knows, Poison rulez.

Even though she will deny it for life, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" was the "first dance" song at the wife and I's wedding this past summer. It doesn't really make much sense as a wedding song, mainly due to the fact it was written by Bret Michaels while lamenting his failed love affair with a stripper. A nice song nonetheless....

You will notice that I've protected my identity using an photoshop tool so airtight that not even a German cop could crack it! This technique was taught to me by one of my co-stars in "Road Trip II : Let's Thai One On!"

Contrary to what this sign says, WWMRD will never sell out. Now, would you please excuse me while I fetch myself an ice cold Pepsi. I quite thirsty from listening to XM Satellite Radio in my Ford Focus all morning.

Here's a photo snapped at a pre-season Leafs vs Sens game. It features some dude wearing a headband, along with his "way too hot for him" girlfriend. If the photo was of a bit better quality, I would have submitted it to Hot Chicks with Douchebags, (which is a wonderful website by the way....).

There's a chance this guy is actually the brother of Senators captain Daniel Alfredsson. It would explain how he got the great seats and hot girlfriend.

Memo to Henrik Alfreddson (or whatever this guy's name may be): Only one guy is cool enough to rock the headband on a weeknight. His name is Mike Reno...see the pictures at the top of this page.

This was taken from our balcony in Monterosso, Italy. The little animal is a rabbit. I'm not sure if it had a name, but if given the naming rights, I would have called it Italian Evel Knievel. Reason being that this wee bunny seemed completely unfazed as it enjoyed some foliage on the edge of a balcony 20-some-odd feet up.

Since this was in Italy, I assume this rabbit was eventually killed and eaten. I'm sure he would have tasted wonderful braised with a nice gremolata.

This photo was taken while sitting on a patio in Nice, France. The sign that lists the available menu options "Cocktails, Glacier" becomes much more awesome when there is a speaker in the way. Instead of "Cocktails, Glacier", it now seems to read "Cock Glacier".

I really don't know why I find that funny.....but if I ever start a band, you better believe we are calling ourselves "Cock Glacier".

This one is good ole Craven Cottage, home to Fulham FC. Nothing really to add here, except if you notice those small openings. Those are actually the gates where you enter the stadium. Each is approximately 16" wide, and will be cited as the main reason thousands of people die if there is ever a stampede or a fire at the Cottage.

If you look closely at the photo above, you will notice that one dart has actually pierced the dart thrown ahead of it. This kind of accuracy has not been seen since Jeremy Roenick in NHL '94 on the Sega Genesis....

And finally, the last photo. This was taken last night (November 1st) at the Real Canadian Superstore at Eglinton and Don Mills. Oh my - this savings of 0.154% is far too good to pass up! How will the Westsons continue to fund cultural projects in Canada and the UK when they are making such reckless cuts in revenue?? They'll never be able to buy themselves a place in the House of Lords now!!!

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