Monday, September 10, 2007

Why I Hate Everything, Volume MMCCLVI

Contrary to rumour, this is NOT me.

Here are three reasons which may explain why I’m in such a negative mood today.

1. It’s Monday and it’s kind of chilly outside. Looking at the forecast for the coming days, it doesn’t really get all that warm again. Saturday, the 8th of September will go down in history as the last warm day of the year in Toronto. Someone update Wikipedia, as I think I have been banned for defacing Tedy Bruschi’s page.

2. The front page of the Toronto Star sports section had a huge picture of Randy Moss, star of our Lord and Saviour New England Patriots. Columnist Garth Woolsey then follows it up with some of the most controversial reporting in sports – another piece fawning over the greatness of the Patriots and the Colts. Oooh…that is cutting edge. F*cking hell, please write a column that hasn’t already been written by every lazy hack in sports today. If you take the first letter from every second word in the article, Garth delivers a cryptic message. It reads, “Tom – Let’s make a baby! You can name it whatever you want!”

Last time I checked, the Bills were the local team. Is there a paper around that covers them as such? If so, please let me know so I can cancel my subscription to the Star. Maybe one of the Southern Ontario papers would be a better bet. I need something more than just the three sentence AP blurb on page S6.

That said, I’m probably wrong on this. The Star is for readers in Toronto, and Toronto is full of bandwagon sports fans. It’s why you see loads of New England and Indy gear in this city. I saw a guy in a Brandon Merriweather (Pats 2007 1st Round Pick) jersey at the Argos game on Saturday…it didn’t really surprise me. I would have been SHOCKED to see anyone in a Marshawn Lynch or Paul Posluszny jersey. Research shows I am the only person in the 416 with a Donte Whitner jersey. F*ck me, I’m moving to Grimsby.

3. The MTV Video Music Awards were on CTV last night. What the hell? A two-hour extravaganza to showcase everything that is wrong with this shallow word….and it’s all on basic cable! It was broadcast from Las Vegas and featured a bunch of douchebags rocking out to terrible music. (I know I use the term ‘douchebag’ a lot, but the people in attendance at the MTV Awards are the absolute epitome of the word.) It’s good that today’s youth gets some exposure to Las Vegas at a young age, just so they have something to look forward to once they turn 21. No doubt, somewhere some kid is saving up their allowance so one day, they can “live the dream” and party with Paris at the Palms. The dumbing down/whoring up of today’s youth continues.

Further, did anyone read the AP’s coverage of the event? Here’s what they had to say about Britney Spears:

“Out-of-synch lip-synching. Lethargic movements that seemed choreographed by a dance instructor for a nursing home. The paunch in place of Spears' once-taut belly. At times she just stopped singing, as if even she knew nothing could save her performance.”

Fair enough, I have no problem ripping on this girl for doing a terrible job at lip-synching or half-assing the dance moves….but the comment about the “paunch” just seems a offside. Hey, Nekessa Mumby Moody, did you know that Britney has popped out a couple of kids? What does her body shape have to do with this? Are you implying that someone without a perfect body should be criticized and not allowed to perform their vocation? I should put WWMRD on mothballs right now, because my paunch is downright scandalous! I certainly hope you weren’t covering Wilson Phillips back in the 90s. What would you have had to say about poor Carnie?!

Interestingly enough, here’s a small photo of Nekessa Mumby Moody. Make judgements as you see fit.

To close, you’re probably asking what will cheer me up? Well, just watch this video of Marshawn Lynch. This, combined with the miracle 4th down conversion (and ensuing helmet-less celebration) makes me a big fan!

Well, I better run. I just got an email from a "Tong Li" who claims to be my friend. Apparently, he has a lucrative business proposal for me....


  1. Notice how Marshawn leans down to put the vehicle safely in park before continuing his celebration. That's a guy who knows how to have fun and be responsible. Take a lesson, Staal brothers.

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