Wednesday, December 5, 2007

St. Ann, kinda town.

Tom Brady is NOT welcome at the Jack Rehagen Municipal Pool.

Let's set things straight....I don't really know a whole lot about "web logging". Apparently, some people do this for a living....which would be awesome, but that would involve somehow getting traffic, and generating revenue from said traffic. I don't know how to do this....don't really care to find out. Google Ads is good enough for me. I have been making upwards of $1 a month at WWMRD, and that's plenty....if you live in the third world.

That said, one "web logging" tool that I do enjoy is Google Analytics. It allows me to see how many visitors arrive daily on WWMRD, and how they got here. As you know, it's always fun to know your big in Japan. Mostly, I'm big in Etobicoke, (thanks Lindsey!).

Well, today I was checking out the old stat tracker and I noticed that I had a visitor from a wonderful place called St. Ann, Missouri. It wasn't the location that intrigued me, it was the choice of Google search term that lead this visitor to WWMRD. St. Ann's favourite son arrived on WWMRD by going to Google and searching for the term:

tom brady getting shot pictures

Are you kidding me? How awesome (and bizarre) is that.

Now, I don't condone murder...not even against members of the Pats - so don't get all worked up. I'm just amazed that somehow WWMRD has become an online resource for people in search of Tom Brady snuff media. Should I take this as a compliment? I'm not really sure.....

By the way, if the visitor in search of "tom brady getting shot pictures" is out there, please come back! Post some comments below! Inquiring minds want to know....what exactly were you looking for?

Alright - time for bed. My apologies for the lack of volume here at WWMRD lately. Ideally, come Monday AM, this will be the webs top resource for "Troy Polamalu snapping Tom Brady's leg" pics. (I said I didn't condone murder, but I am all about career-ending injuries.)

Sunday, November 18, 2007

New England Patriots move atop BCS standings

By MIKE RENO, AP College Football Writer

November 18, 2007

NEW YORK (AP) - With college football fans not interested in a LSU-Kansas title game, the committee in charge of the Bowl Championship Series today moved the New England Patriots to the top of the BCS standings.

"While LSU deserves a spot in the National Championship game, we did not realize the University of Kansas had a football program. They kind of snuck up on us." said BCS spokesman Randy Hands. "At this time, we do not feel they are deserving of a shot at the title."

Without a worthy opponent available in the college ranks, the BCS has decided to award the New England Patriots with a BCS average of 1.000. This perfect ranking puts them into the title match, without having played a game against a NCAA opponent.

"They're so dreamy," said Hands. "we feel we'd be doing a disservice to Christians everywhere by not giving our lord and saviour Bill Belichick, a shot at the title."

Pats linebacker Tedy Bruschi welcomed the opportunity to play in New Orleans.

"Assured of a first round bye, we will be available to play on January 8th," Bruschi said. "and New Orleans is a great place to cheat on your wife with a tranny".

Tedy Bruschi displaying the evidence of his most recent encounter with a tranny.

Quarterback Tom Brady was a little less enthusiastic about the opportunity.

"I had planned on spending some time with family that week," commented the quarterback and recently-named successor to Pope Benedict XVI. "Oh no, not my son Craig, I will be with Giselle. What? His name's not Craig?"

As the Patriots have not had an opportunity to scout NCAA opponents this year, LSU head coach Les Miles has agreed to hand over his team's playbook for the final game.

"They were going to get the plays one way or another," said Miles. "This keeps Matt Estrella off our sidelines the next couple weeks. Estrella is such a fantastic videographer, his handiwork and flawless technique with the camera would be just too distracting for our guys."

BCS officials have stated that even though they have already decided to award the Patriots with the National Championship, the January 8th title game will be played out, "for shits and giggles."

With the game just over seven weeks away, oddsmakers have made the Patriots infinity point favourites.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Buffalo - you've got a job to do! The pay is not so good, (but it will look great on a resume)

Gisele Bündchen once dated the keyboard player from Honeymoon Suite.

When a visiting team comes to B-Lo, does anyone know where they stay? Anyone?

The luxurious Mansion on Delaware is far too small to hold the team, although maybe pretty boy and his current German-Brazilian beard stay there. (Side note: Is it just me, or is Gisele Bündchen aging badly? Seriously! I used to think she was foxy back in the day, but every time I see her now, I think she kind of looks like Steffi Graf. That’s not a compliment.) If they are staying there, I hope the ghost that haunts the fourth floor terrorizes them.

Actually, wait a sec....I know this....the rest of the team is staying at the Hyatt. I know this because Steve Holt over at WorldWideNetWeb stayed there last year and had a run in with LaDanian Tomlinson, a J-Lo tracksuit wearing Phil Rivers, and a piano player who was kind of racist. But as Hammy Hamster says, that’s another story….

To the good kids of Buffalo: I encourage you this coming Saturday, after a night of revelry on Chippewa Street, to make the short walk over to the Hyatt and raise hell. It will be fun - and for a good cause!

To make it real easy, I have presented some easy to follow steps:

1. Leave you bar of choice between the hours of 1 and 4am. The drunker the better.

2. Head over to Jim’s Steak-Out and grab a hoagie.

3. Walk up to the Hyatt. If someone who sort of looks like a hooker asks you for a light, BE CAREFUL! She will try to grab your package. This is fact.

4. Run Wild. Make lots of noise. Make sure the Pats don’t sleep a wink. There’s no security at the Hyatt…..and even if there is, do you think they’re going to care if you f*ck with the douchebag Pats? Not bloody likely.

5. If you happen to see Tedy Bruschi, kick him in the nuts. Then make a joke about people who suffer from roid-induced strokes.

Is this course of action offside? Hardly. If you check Facebook, you'd see that one Bill Belichick started a group prior to Week 3 that encouraged local fratboys to take time off from fantasizing about showering with Terry Francona to disrupt the travelling Bills. He also started a group encouraging people to commit adultery with chicks from Jersey who aren't that hot.

Would you pay this woman $30,000 a month to be your girlfriend? Belichick would.

So, there it is kids….I suppose this qualifies as a “call to arms”. If you go to UB, ECC or even D’Youville College – pass this message on to your friends and classmates. Everyone knows this is a far more worthy cause than any disease…including rabies.

Friday, November 2, 2007

A tribute to my final day of vacation....

After four months of relative leisure, I am back to the world of work on Monday. This is both fortunate and unfortunate, depends how you look at it. Fortunate in the sense that my creditors will no longer be out for blood. Unfortunate in the sense that working significantly cuts into leisure time.

What will happen to WWMRD? That remains to be seen. Updates may be sporadic at first, until I am comfortable enough to write text on company time. In the meantime, please enjoy the piece below entitled, "My Summer - Photos from a Telephone". It's loosely considered photojournalism...

Here's a photo of me, along with Bret Michaels, the charismatic frontman of the awesome band Poison. This was taken in the concourse down at the Rogers Centre. As everyone already knows, Poison rulez.

Even though she will deny it for life, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" was the "first dance" song at the wife and I's wedding this past summer. It doesn't really make much sense as a wedding song, mainly due to the fact it was written by Bret Michaels while lamenting his failed love affair with a stripper. A nice song nonetheless....

You will notice that I've protected my identity using an photoshop tool so airtight that not even a German cop could crack it! This technique was taught to me by one of my co-stars in "Road Trip II : Let's Thai One On!"

Contrary to what this sign says, WWMRD will never sell out. Now, would you please excuse me while I fetch myself an ice cold Pepsi. I quite thirsty from listening to XM Satellite Radio in my Ford Focus all morning.

Here's a photo snapped at a pre-season Leafs vs Sens game. It features some dude wearing a headband, along with his "way too hot for him" girlfriend. If the photo was of a bit better quality, I would have submitted it to Hot Chicks with Douchebags, (which is a wonderful website by the way....).

There's a chance this guy is actually the brother of Senators captain Daniel Alfredsson. It would explain how he got the great seats and hot girlfriend.

Memo to Henrik Alfreddson (or whatever this guy's name may be): Only one guy is cool enough to rock the headband on a weeknight. His name is Mike Reno...see the pictures at the top of this page.

This was taken from our balcony in Monterosso, Italy. The little animal is a rabbit. I'm not sure if it had a name, but if given the naming rights, I would have called it Italian Evel Knievel. Reason being that this wee bunny seemed completely unfazed as it enjoyed some foliage on the edge of a balcony 20-some-odd feet up.

Since this was in Italy, I assume this rabbit was eventually killed and eaten. I'm sure he would have tasted wonderful braised with a nice gremolata.

This photo was taken while sitting on a patio in Nice, France. The sign that lists the available menu options "Cocktails, Glacier" becomes much more awesome when there is a speaker in the way. Instead of "Cocktails, Glacier", it now seems to read "Cock Glacier".

I really don't know why I find that funny.....but if I ever start a band, you better believe we are calling ourselves "Cock Glacier".

This one is good ole Craven Cottage, home to Fulham FC. Nothing really to add here, except if you notice those small openings. Those are actually the gates where you enter the stadium. Each is approximately 16" wide, and will be cited as the main reason thousands of people die if there is ever a stampede or a fire at the Cottage.

If you look closely at the photo above, you will notice that one dart has actually pierced the dart thrown ahead of it. This kind of accuracy has not been seen since Jeremy Roenick in NHL '94 on the Sega Genesis....

And finally, the last photo. This was taken last night (November 1st) at the Real Canadian Superstore at Eglinton and Don Mills. Oh my - this savings of 0.154% is far too good to pass up! How will the Westsons continue to fund cultural projects in Canada and the UK when they are making such reckless cuts in revenue?? They'll never be able to buy themselves a place in the House of Lords now!!!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Orville Frank Mader joke of the day...

Q: What do Christopher Paul Neil and Orville Mader have in common?
A: They're both dirty pervs!! Probably both Canucks fans too.

It's not really a joke, more of an observation...

Genarlow Wilson vs Gary Bettman. One of them needs to be locked up...the other is named Genarlow.

The pending return to work has left me unable to think clearly. For those who wanted me to pound out a quick 1000 words on world affairs….it ain’t gonna happen. In lieu of anything good, I present some quick blurbs, as it is all I can muster up right now. I think I may have developed an adult version of Attention Defici….

Genarlow Wilson – what up with that?

What kind of world do we live in where Genarlow Wilson gets locked up and balding Bruce Wayne goes free?

By now, I assume most people have heard about the case of Wilson v. State of Georgia. If not, here’s the short version: Poor Genarlow Wilson was sentenced, (as a 17 year old) to 10 years in the clink for getting a hummer from a 15 year old girl. Ah, puppy love gone wrong.

Thankfully, after being locked up for two years, Genarlow was released after the Georgia Supreme Court voted 4-3 that his internment amounted to cruel and unusual punishment. No sh*t.

Personally, I'm glad that the foward-thinking state of Georgia came to its senses and freed Genarlow. What amazes me most about the whole thing is that people aren’t making a bigger deal out of the fact Genarlow Wilson’s lawyer is named “B.J.” That’s funny, funny stuff….

Gary Bettman remains a douche.

For Halloween, Gary dressed up as an owl. Wait, that's not a mask?

The Detroit Red Wings are good - and have been so for a long time. For that reason, I am going to assume that their GM, Ken Holland, is a smart guy. If Gary Bettman was a smart guy, he would have heeded Ken Holland’s advice for an expanded 84-game NHL schedule, which would feature a home-and-away game against every out of conference team.

That makes a little too much sense…doesn’t it? It would mean we get to see Jarome Iginla, Joe Thornton and Joe Sakic each and every year at the ACC. I much prefer this to seeing Chris Neil's ugly mug 20 times per season.

Gary Bettman, hockey genius, decided this was a bad idea and kiboshed the proposal straight away, even though it had the backing of a number of other GMs, not to mention hockey fans everywhere!

OK, Gary. If you’ve got a valid reason for canning this proposal, then fair enough…but it doesn’t seem like you do. Here’s a quote from the article:

“Sources say Bettman was not pleased with the way the NHL schedule was so hotly and openly contested by league executives last season and intends to keep a lid on public debate this year.”

Wow. I didn’t realize we lived in Burma. Open debate is bad thing, I guess.

It sounds like old Gary doesn’t like it when someone questions or challenges his game plan. He squashed the new schedule, just like he squashed Jim Balsillie’s attempt to move a team from a southern market to an actual hockey town. As long as Gary B. is around, the NHL will continue with its stupid schedule and teams in ridiculous places. Thanks for nothing Gary.

Well…that’s all I got for now. It’s a big day….Halloween, Raptors season opener, not to mention Bob Pollard’s 50th birthday. I’m going to celebrate by eating a Heath bar and washing it down with an ice cold Bud….all while wearing my Jose Calderon jersey.

As for you – you can read this:

The KSK Guide To Being An Insufferable A--hole S--thead F--kface Fan Of Boston-Area Sports Teams

It’s absolutely spot on….

Thursday, October 25, 2007

The Next Great Rivalry - WWMRD speaks!

Afghani Sea World does not seem like a fun place at all....

If you've been keeping up on your required reading, there is no doubt you've read Steve Holt's throwdown over at WorldWideNetWeb. Yes...this weekend is the first annual East Toronto Iron Chef Challenge. It's shaping up to be legendary.

Strange Mr. Holt would refer to the events of 10/27 as a 'rivalry'? Wouldn't a 'rivalry' somehow imply that each team has a chance of winning? This is more of a mercy killing and my team will be playing the role of Michael Schiavo.

Actually, let’s leave the Schiavos out of this. For ease of discussion, let us refer to Steve Holt's team as the “Dolphins”. I do this because:

1. One team member runs a web journal with a teal background and sort of looks like Larry Csonka.
2. Another team member once owned a Zubaz Miami Dolphins hat in 9th grade.
3. The final team member works for a pizza chain which actually serves dolphin on their pizzas. For shame.

So, yeah....this isn't 1972, (although, if you looked at the lapels on Steve Holt’s jackets, you could be convinced otherwise). In 2007, being called the Dolphins is not a compliment. It’s pretty much on par with being called an “enemy combantant” or “Christopher Paul Neil”.

Since Holt’s team is going with “Dolphins”, there’s only one logical name for our team. We are the "Awesome Tuna Fleet”.

Why will the Awesome Tuna Fleet prevail this Saturday?

1. Age is on our side. The Dolphins have an average age on the north side of 30. The average age of the Awesome Tuna Fleet comes in under 30. Everyone knows that at 30, you become useless and decrepit. Except for me - I remain awesome.

2. No Cookbooks. Wow, the Dolphins really shot themselves in the foot by insisting on this rule. I guess this means they won’t be able to go to their old standby – the works of Rachael Ray. Without her inspiration, the best we can hope for from the Fins is buttered bread.

3. Babies. Each of the Dolphins has a baby daughter. The Awesome Tuna Fleet are untethered by the constraints of these little poop machines. While we are enjoying a peaceful 12 hours of sleep on Friday night, the Dolphins will be up changing diapers and singing nonsensical lullabies. Let's just hope they wash their hands before entering kitchen stadium.

So, it’s settled. The Awesome Tuna Fleet will win handily. We’ll go along with this event because it will be fun to see Steve Holt trying to squeeze into the chefs jacket he borrowed from Mario Batali. Good thing there’ll be lots of butter around.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

What do Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Elmer Fudd have in common?

Dude....that's pretty gay.

I have a conspiracy theory. Want to hear it?? Good…I thought so.

As everyone knows, the world is just a puppet show with the strings pulled by members of the Bilderberg Group. They call the shots on everything from “who’s going to win the Superbowl” to “which third world bus is going to crash into a ravine this week”. With TV culture and celebrity obsession reaching a fever pitch, I believe that the Bilderbergs now have ex-TV writers plotting the script which is world politics. More specifically, they’ve hired ex-cartoon writers!

Here’s a fact - there are not as many cartoons on TV as there used to be. I grew up in an era of Saturday mornings filled with five solid hours of cartoons on every network. Once cartoons were done, rasslin’ came on. It was a nice little Saturday. Nowadays, it seems that Saturday morning television is filled with infomercials and other nonsense.

So, what happened to all the people who used to write the scripts for The Smurfs, Snorks and Scoobie Doo?!  They were all offered princely sums of money to go write scripts for the Bilderbergs. The shortage of cartoon writers has lead to the proliferation of shows like “Hannah Montana” and “That’s So Raven”. These shows did not require cartoon writers, and could be put together by all the out-of-work sitcom writers.

Still don’t believe me? Then explain to me why every world leader who is perceived as an enemy by the west kind of seems like a cartoon character? Come on….is anyone actually scared of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or Kim Jong-il? At best, they could be described as “dastardly”. The only threat they pose is as the holder of nuclear weapons, which are not unlike Gargamel’s magnet that only attracted things that were blue. At the end of the day, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Kim Jong-il and Elmer Fudd are cute little buggers who make us love to hate them. Nothing less, nothing more.

What? You still don’t believe me? Well then you should consider this: Hanna-Barbera, arguably the greatest cartoon studio of all time, was purchased by Turner Broadcasting in 1991. Ted Turner is a long time Bilderberg attendee.  If that's not a smoking gun, I don't know what is!

Case closed!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Mirazur - Great Restaurant or the Greatest Restaurant?

Well, here comes a new feature on review!

Myself and wife just got back from our honeymoon in the UK, France and Italy. Considering how much we ate, we're lucky to have not put on 20 to 30 pounds (each). I assume this has to do with the fact we were smoking at a Dice Clay-ian pace. Actually, we weren’t….but it would have been cool/sophisticated if we were.

Anyway, I like restaurants, but I am not really the type to write about them, (I leave that to people who know how to write properly…most of my adjectives are swear words). I prefer to rant about how much my stable of sports teams sucks….so this is a nice, little change of pace. The restaurant to be discussed today is called Mirazur, and is located in Menton, France. The short review is this: Best meal I’ve ever had! For the long review, see below.

First things first – If you are taking the train to Mirazur, get off at the Menton Garavan stop….not the main Menton train station. Mirazur is about a 10 minute walk from the Garavan stop, but closer to 45 minutes from the main stop. Less walking is better.

We hiked up the hill towards the restaurant, and I must say I was somewhat nervous about our pending arrival to the fancy, Michelin-rated establishment. Would they kick me out straight away for looking like a homeless guy? Thankfully, they did not. Upon arrival, we were warmly greeted by Guillaume Mantis…a guy who could be described as both ‘classy’ and ‘slick’. I was somewhat worried that my wife would want to leave me for him….and to be honest, I wouldn’t have really blamed her.

After admiring the stunning view for a while, we opted for the 9 course Menu Dégustation….which at 75€ may be the best bargain since Matt Stairs. Before the first course arrived, we ordered some champagne and were provided with some amuse bouche.

From right to left:

-Olive oil and honey, infused with CO2. Effectively, these are gourmet pop rocks.
-Ricotta with some flowers from the garden and little pieces of citrus. The texture of the citrus was almost like caviar, but it was not. Who knows…I could be wrong….but I think it was grapefruit.
-Duck breast with cream and oil.
-Cucumber and mint soup.

At this point, I was fairly certain we were in for quite a meal.

1st Course – Oeuf de poule cuit à basse temperature (Ogre perlé aux algues fraiches)

This was an egg, poached a low temperature for 35 minutes. It was served on top of barley along with seaweed and salt. The grain was cooked so it retained a lot of its texture, which was nice. I imagine this type of classy breakfast is what rich people eat every day.

2nd Course - Velouté de pomme de terre Vitelotte (Espuma au café de Columbie)

A creamy potato soup made with Vitelotte potatoes. (Vitelottes are purple, and somewhat sweet). This soup was topped with a foam flavoured with coffee. Of course, this tasted wonderful…but my favourite part of this dish was the different temperature of each layer. The cool foam on top seemed to somehow insulate the warm soup underneath. The temperature of the soup came as a surprise, not unlike finding a warm spot in a public swimming pool.

3rd Course - Jardin d'automne (Légumes cuits et crus dans un boullon au parmesan)

A bowl of seven different types of vegetables from their garden. On top of this a bouillon flavoured with parmigiano reggiano. A classy cheese and vegetable soup.

4th Course - Oursin de Méditerranée (Sauce pimenté et émulsion d'amandes)

Awesome….sea urchin. I was quite looking forward to this course, as I am a big fan of uni whenever I go for sushi. It’s strange that something so ugly and scary looking can turn out to be possibly the best tasting food in the world. They’re a bit like the Pittsburgh Pirates of the mid-70s…..great team, horrible uniforms. This was served in the shell, along with a slightly spicy sauce and an almond emulsion.

5th Course - Foie gras des Landes grillé (Mousseline de betterave et citron de notre jardin)

Grilled foie gras. ‘Nuff said. The side off lemon and beet is a seemingly simple sweet and sour combo that I wish I had thought of myself. I can’t believe some politicians have moved to ban the sale and production of foie gras. It makes about as much sense as banning stem cell research! (Oh wait…politicians aren’t cool with that either?!!?) I maintain that any animal rights activist would ram the funnel down the duck/goose’s throat themselves if they ever actually gave up their all grain diet and tried some foie gras. Did I say that sea urchin was the best food in the world? I might have meant foie gras.

6th Course - Poisson de la pèche locale (Oseille sauvage et sauce fumée)

Some kind of local white fish served with foamy sauce of smoked fish and clams. I’ve occasionally cooked fish and thought to myself, “wow…that turned out well”. I now know that I wasn’t even close. This fish was cooked PERFECTLY….I don’t know of any other way to describe it. It seemed to be poached, but I could be wrong.

7th Course - Souris d'agneau de Sisteron (Risotto à la menthe de marées)

Lamb, cooked for 30 hours and served with mint risotto. Again…it was pretty much perfect, (seems to be a running theme here).

8th Course - Pré-dessert

Any restaurant that serves a dessert appetizer is OK with me. For this course, we had a pineapple sorbet, along with a mousse flavoured with some kind of flower, and a nettle jelly. This is much fancier than most desserts I have…..because to be honest, I normally have Oreo ice cream.

9th Course – Dessert

Ice cream along with a chocolate truffle and hazelnut pralines…..served on a bed of shaved coco. Is there any point telling you how awesome this was, or is that just being redundant?

Bonus Course – Coffee and more dessert!

Along with our coffees, we were served a selection of home made sweets. From right to left:

-Lemon custard on shortbread
-Chocolate something. They looked like cookies, but had the taste and texture of marshmallows.
-Muffin with a dried cherry.
-White chocolate containing a dried apricot, a hazelnut and a pistachio. (My favourite)
-Some kind of chewy chocolate cookie with nuts

3+ hours later – we were finally done. I really could have stayed and started the whole process over again…but that would just be gluttonous, (not that there’s anything wrong with that). I had mixed feelings about finding out the chef, Mauro Colagreco, was actually younger than me. On one hand, it will be fun to say in 20 years that we ate at Mirazur way back when – at that time I would expect Colagreco to have multiple accolades and charging a small ransom for his food. On the other hand, it makes me feel old and useless.

Here are the details for Mirazur:

30, avenue Aristide Briand
Menton, France.
Phone: +33 (0)4-92-41-86-86.
Web Site:

I would HIGHLY recommend this place to anyone who finds themselves in Southern France or Northern Italy. Definitely worth the trip. The fact that it’s on the main rail line along the Cote D’Azur makes it very easy to get to. You really don’t have any excuse not to go here….

Friday, October 19, 2007

Christopher Paul Neil - EXPOSED!

After a three week hiatus, WWMRD is back!!!

A lot of people have been asking me, “Hey – Where are you? We’ve come to rely on our daily fix of WWMRD and you have let us down. What gives?”

I have been forced to tell everyone that I was on my honeymoon in Europe, when in fact I was deep in the jungles of SE Asia, tracking down the notorious perv Christopher Paul Neil. Once Thai authorities were finally able to bag him, I’ve been allowed to return home.

As a service to WWMRD’s readers, I’m able to show you two very recent photos of Mr. Neil. The first shows him being lead into the courtroom with his face covered in a blue towel. The second shows him with said towel removed.

The second photo is very, very disturbing. Christopher Paul Neil displays all the tell-tale trademarks of a sexual predator:

1. Ginger hair.
2. Goofy smile.
3. Listens to a lot of Gary Glitter.

[note – almost all predators listen to Gary Glitter. Apparently, he’s a bit of a folk hero in the perv scene. The tradition of playing Glitter’s "Rock and Roll Part 2" at NHL games got it’s start at Maple Leaf Gardens in the 1970s….around the same time Gordon Stuckless was put in charge of working the PA at Leafs games.]

Some might think that finding someone matching this description would be simple - as you would think he’d stand out in a crowd anywhere in Thailand. This was not the case, as in fact there are boatloads of creepy looking predators in Thailand. Most of them looked like this guy:

We were able to track him down because he was the only one of these guys who was wearing a Larry Walker jersey. Hopefully this incident does not soil the good name of Maple Ridge, BC forever. The ghost of Greg Moore weeps.

So there you have it….we got our man. I’m glad to be back home, because after three weeks of heavy usage of the terms “Bangkok” and “Interpol” (which kind of sounds like “enter pole”), I’m all giggled out.

Good readers do not worry. WWMRD is back online. I will have an update on my “real” honeymoon later today…or maybe tomorrow…or Monday. God bless.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

I need a new passtime...

I'm replacing sports with another variety of self-torture. More clean-up, but at least I'll save a few bucks on jerseys.

It's Tuesday....mid-morning...and I am too hungover to put thought into anything. My apologies to the good readers of WWMRD if none of this makes any sense.

I did end up watching some of the Bills game this past weekend. I didn't plan on it, but as soon as I saw that Trent Edwards was in the game, I felt obligated. I shouldn't have bothered. Shortly after I turned the TV on, Paul Posluszny broke his forearm. As Steve Holt noted, with this season shaping up to be the worst since 2001, there was still some entertainment in watching Poz and Marshawn Lynch develop into Pro-Bowlers. With Poz out, games are 50% less fun to watch. If, god-forbid, Marshawn were to get hurt, I might stop watching football entirely. I might as well just get one of those spiked leg belt things like the albino guy in The Da Vinci Code is effectively what I do to myself every week anyways.

MuchMoreMusic is on the TV, and I can't find the remote. I have no idea if this video is new or not, but Satana has a new song featuring Chad Kroeger of Nickelback fame. This might be the worst song I have ever heard. The video doesn't help either. They're rocking out on top of a hotel in what appears to be Los Angeles. What the eff? Hasn't this video been made 200 times? The highlight of the video may be the fact that Chad's had his hair straightened and cut into a bob. I guess he's got the same stylist as Posh Spice.

If elected, Howard Hampton plans to ban the lastest video by Michaëlle Jean and her band.

I'm calling for a ban on all videos which feature a band playing on a roof. If the NDP can promise this, they've got my vote. Even with the Green Party promising 6 statutory holidays, and the PCs proposing beer and wine in corner stores, I think this is a more valuable cause....

Friday, September 21, 2007

Let’s get ready to rummblllllleeeeeee…..from the coommmfooorrrrrrrrrttttttt of our desk chaaaiiiirrrrsssss!

Tough and handsome....a leathal combination.

With workplaces everywhere blocking all that is good on the internet, there has been a void in the net-based gaming industry. The world required a game that can be played interactively, yet remotely….without any trouble from those pesky firewalls.

A few months ago, some of the world’s great minds came together to create a game which can be played via email, from the comfort of your own home, or office, or home office (if you happen to be so blessed). It was sort of like the Manhattan Project, but with the goal of defeating workplace boredom, rather than the Axis powers of WWII.

The game does not have a name, but if it did it would probably be something like “My Birthday Can Beat Up Your Birthday”.

The rules are simple.

1. Think about what your birthday is…write it down if need be.
2. Look to the internet and find the three toughest people born on your birthday.
3. Let your team of three battle it out with other teams of three, toughest day wins.

This is not as easy as it sounds. Quite often you will find that Wikipedia will provide you with a couple tough people with whom you share a birthday, but you lack that third team member to really bring it together. For this, I would suggest scanning NHL and/or NFL rosters, as many players aren’t famous enough to get themselves listed in Wikipedia.

Remember – this fight does not occur in the present, therefore each of your team members can be thought of as at their physical peak. If you’re lucky enough to be born on the same day as Louis Cyr, by all means include him in your squad.

You must also remember that soccer and basketball players are not tough. They may be athletes, but they’re not going to win any fights. There are some exceptions in basketball, such as Charles Oakley, Anthony Mason or possibly Xavier McDaniel. There are no such exemptions is soccer.

To get you started, I will provide you with my team of three…we call ourselves “March 31st”

1. Jack Johnson aka “The Galveston Giant" – American boxing legend
2. Gordie Howe – scary tough…loves to throw elbows.
3. Naoya Ogawa – the internet claims he is the toughest man in Japan. Not sure what he’s all about, but he is 6’4”, 254 lb.

We really drop off after that, (Herb Alpert is 4th toughest), but not a big deal, as each team only requires three members. I haven’t done too much research, but I think that’s a team that could go toe-to-toe with any date on the calendar.

If you think you’ve got a team that can take on March 31st, feel free to post it the comments section. (Pat – refer to the guidelines above before you include Greg Oden on your team. Luckily, you do have Jason Peters to pick up the slack.)

Stay safe and have fun!

Hey Star Simpson - you dumb.

There are bad ideas put into action every day…but this morning, CNN has told us all about one that might just take the cake. This is an all-timer….right up there with buying a Pet Rock. If bad ideas were womanizing ball players from the 70s, then this one would be Steve Garvey.

Some wicked smart 19 year old girl named Star Simpson, just walked into Logan Airport in Boston with a fake bomb strapped to her chest. Wow. That’s all I got for this one. Just wow.

As seen with the “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” debacle earlier this year, Boston tends to react strongly and swiftly to even the most ridiculous of threats. Anyone who walks into an airport with anything even resembling a bomb runs the risk of getting shot by a trigger happy airport security guard….and fair enough. That seems to be the age we live in. Airport security should have carte blanche to fill someone full of lead, because anyone who walks into an airport with a bomb, fake or real, probably deserves to be put out of their misery.

At first, I was thinking, “Oh, she’s 19…this is probably some Northeastern student trying to make a name for herself in the local performance art scene”. I’m probably wrong though, because CNN is saying she’s a student at MIT. What the eff? Who’s screening applications down there? Isn’t MIT supposed to be for the sharpest and most logical minds in America? I would assume their art program is worse than their football team….

Actually…maybe I’m not wrong. CNN just aired the press conference from Logan….apparently Star Simpson has come out and said this was some kind of “art”.

Well, if this is art, then Gitmo is the Louvre. Enjoy your time in Cuba!

One other CNN highlights this morning:

There’s a guy (named Casanova Love, by the way….how great is that?) providing an eyewitness report from Alexandria, Louisiana. He’s reporting on a couple of hillbillies decided that it would be a good idea to drive around town with nooses tied to the back of their pick-up truck. Seemingly, this is some kind of ignorant response to the people who marched in Jena, LA yesterday in support of the Jena 6. We may have just found not one, but two people dumber than Star Simpson….that didn’t take long.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

A Strong Case for a Weak Greenback...

The global currency markets....explained in pictures.

Today may just be the day…..a day I never though I’d see. The Canadian Dollar is approaching parity with the once-might US Dollar. She's got a full head of steam, and there’s no stopping her! To explain this in simpler terms, think of the Canadian Dollar as Pete Rose, the US Dollar as poor Ray Fosse, and global Forex markets as the 1970 MLB All Star Game at Riverfront Stadium in Cincinnati.

As someone who enjoys living in Canada, but visiting the United States, this situation is ideal….assuming I stay out of the manufacturing or tourism industry. To celebrate this momentous occasion, WWMRD brings you the top three reasons why it is good to have a favourable exchange rate with the greenback.

1. It will drive the movie industry out of Toronto

Zoolander stunt doubles.

I like Toronto. Don’t love it…but I like it. One of the things that drives me mad about Toronto is the douchebag, celebrity obsessed, hanging out at “Lobby” crowd. I often hear these people walking along Bloor Street making such comments as, “Oh my gawwd…last Saturday was crazy. We ended up partying with Willie Aames and Ashton Westwood at Ultra. It was off the hook!”

With there now being no savings in filming in Toronto, b-list movie stars will remain south of the border. I won’t have to hear these ridiculous conversations any more because something tells me faux-hawk and ugg boots won’t be bragging about hanging out with the cast of Falcon Beach.

2. Allows the Jays to increase payroll

The illegible writing on the photo actually reads, "Brooks Robinson, will you have my baby?"

Ted Rogers is wicked rich. He’s dumped a bunch of cash into the Jays, with limited results. That said, I prefer this scenario to the days when the Jays couldn’t buy anyone. It makes for a more interesting off-season.

With a strong dollar and Ted’s chequebook, the Jays have substantially more buying power than they did a few years ago. This will allow J.P. Ricciardi to add upgrades to our already upgraded roster.

Troy Glaus, it was nice knowing you….but in 2008, the Jays will be playing a clone, spliced from the DNA of Mike Schmidt and Brooks Robinson, at 3rd base. He will be called Brooks Schmidt….because it is a much better name than Mike Robinson. He will hit for power, commit no errors and have a great moustache.

Cost for this procedure - $700 million.

3. Cheaper Beer at the Ralph.

"Hey dad - you gonna need me to drive home again?!"

In the era of the 1.60 exchange rate, getting drunk at the Ralph was sometimes difficult. A 20oz beer was $5…which came to $8 CDN. This was cheaper than any venue in Toronto, but still not all that cheap. With the beers now coming in a $5 CDN, how can one afford NOT to drink more? The stadium is practically giving the stuff away!

With the Bills struggling (said in my best Joe Namath) so far this season, the Canadian fans that make the trip to Ralph Wilson Stadium will want to, (check that…NEED to) get even drunker than in previous years. This should not be a problem.

And with alcohol sales through the roof, whoever ends up with the Bills after Ralph passes will have no choice but to leave the team right where it is! Selling cheap beer to Canadians is a license to print money. Canadians will not go to LA to watch the Bills. They will only go to Buffalo! You hear me Goodell?!

Anyway, to conclude….I really do not see any downside to a strong Canadian dollar. Some may argue that the loss of jobs is potentially devastating……but with the global economy the way it is, Canada was going to lose a bunch of jobs away. Wouldn’t you rather see these jobs go to hardworking Americans, instead of Chinese labourers working in inhumane conditions? I know I would. John Cougar Mellencamp would finally be able to pen an upbeat song about people being hired, instead of laid off! A Mellencamp comeback is something the world needs.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


The internet tells me that today, September 19th, is "Talk Like a Pirate Day"....and that sounds good to me. Who am I to stand in the way of internet-based holidays? Seems that the net web is the main source of finding the next big anything why not holidays?

I assume the Pittsburgh Pirates play an afternoon game today? No? 10:05 in San Diego? Thanks for nothing Bug Selig.

Well...since MLB is a bunch of jerks, I invite you to kick off Talk Like a Pirate Day by watching this video. It will get you in the mood.

This is from Saturday Night Live a couple years ago. I enjoy it very much.

Now, a lot of people will claim that SNL just isn't as good as it used to be...and it's hard to totally disagree with that statement. What I don't like is when people knock the current cast! If you don't think it's funny, then it has to be the writers...because in my opinion, the current crop of talent is fantastic. Jason Sudeikis is going places. According to Wikipedia, Jason is of partial Lithuanian descent....which I guess makes him the Sarunas Marciulionis of the current troupe.

And now that we're onto Saturday Night Live clips, watch this one too. You'll be glad you did once you get to the part Andy Samberg references pirates once again...

Alright, I gotta run. For those in Ontario...this is a reminder to Vote Green! With Frank De Jong as our next Premier, there's a good chance "Talk Like a Pirate Day" will be a statutory holiday in 2008!!!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Ernie Chambers, 1937 – 2007.

As per Nebraskan tradition, Ernie will be buried with a gay dog.

Actually, the headline is a lie….Nebraska Senator Ernest W. Chambers, better known as Ernie Chambers is still alive…for the time being. Ernie recently made the grave mistake of suing God.

State Senator Ernie Chambers Sues God

Who knows how far this lawsuit will get? Working against God is the fact that his/her usual lawyer, Yale Galanter, is on retainer elsewhere. Working for God is the fact that he/she is God. For Chambers, that simple (and possibly overlooked) fact makes this suit almost impossible to win.

In the suit, Chambers says God has caused, “fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects, and the like.” (Studies show that 100% of readers will read that quote using the Don King version of their internal monologue.)

Fair enough. Blame most of that stuff on God if you so choose….but you can’t really point the finger at him/her for birth defects. Blame Agent Orange, Thalidomide and Mountain Dew for that. Although, God did create all these poisons, so he/she could be considered guilty by proxy.

I commend Ernie Chambers on his desire to go straight to the top. It’s a bit like entering the “Straight to Mike Tyson” code in Punch Out, (FYI – it’s 007 373 5963), and then proceeding to have your ass handed to you in a matter of seconds. The only difference is you don’t get back up off the canvas after God one-punches you.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Bill Belichick - Cheating on his Mistress with Al Michaels?!?

Bill Belichick swaps outfits with a homeless man, in an attempt to escape the media's glare.

Readers – consider yourselves lucky if you have a job, and were therefore unable to stay up and watch the end of the Patriots – Chargers game on Sunday night. You really did yourself a favour by not watching a grown man, Al Michaels, fawning over crooked Bill Belichick, and the rest of the Patriots organization.

Now, don’t get me wrong….The Patriots are a good team, you can’t really deny that. They hammered the Chargers and were very discrete in their cheating this week, (they couldn’t just point a video camera at the opposing defensive co-ordinator, they probably had to use some sort of spy camera. Google and the CIA were in on it.)

The way Al Michaels spoke at the end of the game, you would have thought that Bill Belichick’s family was murdered, or the Pat’s practice facility was attacked by terrorists earlier in the week. I’m going from memory here, but at one point I’m pretty sure Michaels used the term “overcame adversity” to describe Belichick’s week. The sight of Belichick running down the tunnel, so cleverly shot by NBC to show delusional Pats fans, not to mention some random soldiers clapping and saluting the dumpy one, was enough to make anyone who is NOT a Pats fan, (legitimate or the much more popular bandwagon variety) sick.

Hey Al Michaels – here’s a history lesson. Jackie Robinson overcame adversity. Bill Belichick did not.

What Bill Belichick did is in no way different from what Barry Bonds apparently did. In my opinion, it’s a LOT worse than anything Pete Rose did. For some reason, Belichick is treated like the victim who overcame the big, bad media accusations and made good. A real American hero! Barry Bonds will forever live with a “Yeah, but” included in any discussion of his accomplishments. Pete Rose, who defined what it is to be a ball player, (on the field, at least), has become a side-show. Banned from baseball for betting on his team to WIN. How does that make any sense?

I could go on all day…but I’m not going to. It honestly makes me too angry. I really won’t be happy about any of this until the NFL hands down a real punishment. A $500,000 fine isn’t much when you make $4.2 million a year. You’re kidding yourself if you don’t think Bob Kraft tacked an extra $500K to the signing bonus of the contract extension Belichick signed this week.

I thank the NFL for giving me three hours of my life back though. I’m not going to even bother watching the Bills-Patriots next week. The self-torture of watching that game would be akin to the actions of those weirdos who deliberately burn themselves and/or cut off their limbs. There is no logical reason to put myself through that.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Love Me Two (or more) Times - The Warren Jeffs Story

You can buy this outside the BYU football stadium, along with sketches of Dale Earnhardt, Steve Young and Jeff Hornacek.

Read an interesting article this morning about a creepy guy named Warren Jeffs. He’s the leader of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. He also pro-polygamy and one must assume he has many wives.

Child bride testifies against polygamist 'prophet'

Hey Warren Jeffs – you crazy. First off, you can NOT trust someone with two first names, (you hear me Reggie Wayne?). Secondly, he sounds like a terrible guy who abuses his power, is a huge racist, and likes to perform marriage ceremonies on children. Boo-urns to that. It’s probably the best for everyone if this guy is locked up for a long time.

I guess it is for the best that polygamy is illegal. Or is it? There must be some healthy cases of polygamy somewhere…no? Why punish the few that are happy, just because a few crazies think they are a prophet and want teenage cousins to marry (and probably marry often)?

Is it possible that polygamy is illegal because politicians/lawmakers are forced to tow the company line, and preach about family values? Do you not think that there are some politicians out there who would secretly love to have a harem of girls (or guys) to go home to every night? Since they aren’t allowed to indulge, they’re going to be damn sure that no one gets the chance.

To that I say, don’t be jealous. Don’t hate the player, or the game. Hate the fact that you only have one wife, and aren’t allowed to keep a few more. Hate the fact you have to go through the hassles of keeping your girlfriends/boyfriends incognito, and confined to airport restrooms and the brothels of Capitol Hill. Why punish the tax-paying, otherwise law-abiding polygamists elsewhere? It’s not cool.

Personally, I can’t imagine having many wives. I’m good with one. In case you are wondering, and I bet you are, here are my top 5 reasons why I think polygamy would be a pain in the ass:

1. Cost of Living – I don’t really understand polygamy? Do each of the wives have their own bedroom, or does everyone pile into one king size bed? I would assume the latter. If I’m wrong, they each polygamist would need to own a home with at least eight bedrooms. That’s not cheap…even in rural Utah. Maybe that explains why they don’t drink…they can afford it with all the massive mortgage payments.

2. Catfights – As a connoisseur of the early years of reality television, I know that making a bunch of women live together is a recipe for disaster. It’s only that much more explosive once you consider they are all competing for the attention of one guy. The average home in Utah must make Big Brother look like Fred Rogers place.

3. Closet Space – you better hope your wardrobe consists of a few burlap sacks that you can keep in the garage…because you’re not getting any closet space in the house with five or six women.

4. Bathroom Time – Occasionally, my wife will work on her hair for over an hour. Combine this with showering and the application of a variety of lotions, and you are looking at two hours or more – just to get ready for a nice evening out. With a bunch of wives, forget about it… You’d have to start planning weeks in advance just to get to Applebee’s. No eatin’ good in the neighbourhood for you!

5. Access to Television – can’t wait to watch the Utah Jazz play tonight? Forget about it. Your TV would be overrun by Sex and the City, The View, Desperate Housewives and Wonder Woman re-runs. If you’re very lucky, you might get to watch a WNBA game…but to be honest, do you really want to?

So, in conclusion, I offer this open letter to the polygamists of America.

Dear Polygamists,

I’ve got the answer to all your problems. I ask for nothing in return, except an honourary doctorate from BYU. It’s so simple, you’re going to kick yourself for not thinking of it sooner…

Don’t get married!

It’s worked for Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. And now that I think about it, I don’t think Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins are married either. Look how happy they are? It seems that having multiple girlfriends is something that is celebrated in our culture…isn’t that right, Hugh Hefner? It makes you look like a really cool guy…especially if you are your girlfriends are really hot.

The legal problems arise once you try to marry all your girlfriends. Multiple wives aren’t considered that cool at all. So why bother? You save money on a wedding, stay out of the courts, and look like the coolest guy in Provo since Ty Detmer.

Polygamists – you’re welcome!

My finest regards,


Thursday, September 13, 2007

Dead to Me....

To steal a bit from Stephen Colbert, I present to you “Dead to Me” for the Week of September 13, 2007.

1. The 2007 Toronto Blue Jays

Did anyone else realize that Lyle Overbay has one white hand, and one black hand?

Before the season started, I was so excited for 2007 Jays offensive juggernaut that I pitched a tent…..outside the Gate 9 ticket window, so that I would have first crack at quality Jays tickets for the coming season. Was I a little worried about the patchwork pitching staff? Sure….but who cares when we are going to score 12 runs a game.

Fast forward six months. My excitement level remains high…not because the Jays are in the mix for a playoff spot…but because I’ve used my last tickets for the year. (Actually, that’s a lie. I have tickets for this Friday’s game, but I put them on Craigslist with an asking price of $0.00. No takers yet.) Praise the Lord! I can now completely stop paying attention to this lazy, uninspired and frustrating ball club.

The were a few bright spots this season – those being the emergence of Shaun Marcum as a quality starter, the rejuvenation of Matt Stairs, and the outstanding customer service of our ticket rep, Tyler McNamara. It’s just not enough to keep me interested now that it is football season. 2007 Toronto Blue Jays – you are officially dead to me!

2. Gary Bettman

"Hey's what I'd look like with a moustache!"

Do you think that Roger Goodell, David Stern, Bud Selig and Gary Bettman ever hang out together? Maybe the occasional round of golf, or the annual “Commissioners Only” party over at Vince McMahon’s house? If they do, I have no doubt that Bettman is the outcast who sits in the corner by himself and tries to make eye contact with everyone who walks by, just so they’ll be forced into a few minutes of meaningless conversation with him. No one really wants him to tag along…he just sort of invites himself because he is the Commissioner of a professional sports league.

Gary Bettman’s desire to impress his Commissioner friends is the only thing that can explain Mark Bell’s 15-game suspension! “Hey Goodell, check it out! I can run things with an iron first too! Wanna go to the Sizzler?” Let the record show that Mark Bell has already been forced into some sort of league-mandated rehab, (even though he’s been admittedly sober for a while), and that’s not even the worst of it! He’s gotta spend next summer in prison! Way to kick a kid while he’s down Bettman!

I could go on, but I won’t bother. I just realized that David Shoalts wrote the same article in today’s Globe & Mail. I swear I hadn’t read that before. He’s a professional writing guy, so I will let him finish the story.

Don’t even get me started on the meddling that continues to keep teams out of viable markets like Hamilton. Bettman – just resign already. You’re already dead to me!

3. Rick Reilly

Rick Reilly - Making Mock Turtlenecks "work" since 1985

I used to not mind Rick Reilly. He can occasionally be funny, or at least reasonably interesting. After this week’s piece – he’s dead to me!

School For The Uncool

Another fluffy piece about the greatness of Tom Brady…wonderful. Why don’t you just write about how murder is bad, and kittens are cute! It’s much more edgy material!

My favourite part of the article is where Tom talks about his new kid, and Reilly’s ensuing proclamation that Brady has got this parenting thing all figured out:

"I kind of cuddled him like a football," Brady says, adding that it's killing him that he can't be in Los Angeles for every sneeze. "I'd love to be out there all the time, year-round, but it's hard to make that a reality. I live here. But I'll start lobbying for off days throughout the year."

Personal responsibility. Check.

What the? That’s all it takes to be considered as a person who takes care or their responsibilities? Someone should tell this to Bridget Moynahan so she can appreciate what a great father Tom is! Once I’m done with my summer vacation, I plan on working one day every two weeks. When is Haley’s Comet back? That’s when the CRA can expect me to file my taxes! I always thought parenting would be easy, and Rick Reilly has confirmed it!

4. Google Ads

Who can hate Google Ads? You put them on your website…occasionally a cross-eyed visitor clicks them by mistake…bingo, Google sends you a cheque for $100. It’s so, so easy….but as of today – so, so immoral.

Why all the hate? Well…as I was doing my daily reading over at WorldWideNetWeb, I came across the following Google Ad:

Whaaaaaaaaaaat the hell? Google is pimping their Video Toolbar by exploiting poor Kevin Everett? That’s just wrong. Do you think they also have ads that read “Christopher Reeve bloopers – watch Superman fall off a horse!” or “Check out Chris Benoit put his son in the sleeper!” I’m very unhappy about this.

Google Ads – you’re dead to me. Although, I will leave you up on WWMRD as I am up to almost $6 in revenue.

5. Walls

Now – this one seems a little strange, but hear me out. I was viciously attacked by a wall in my home this morning, leaving me with some elbow bruising. At press time, I’m listed as ‘probable’ for tonight’s softball game.

Some say the wall was provoked when I decided to take off a bulky hooded sweater while walking down an narrow hall, but that’s just a lie.

Walls, for your unprovoked attack on me this morning, you’re dead to me. From now on, I will be living in a tent at Withrow Park. Once the snow starts to fall, I will find a neighbour’s carport to sleep under. You won’t be able to find me there!

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