Friday, September 7, 2007

Welcome Back Sammy!

"Who wants a limp high five?"

Word on the street, and by "street" I mean "al-Qaeda websites and messageboards", is that Osama bin Laden is about to release his first new tape is almost three years. How exciting!

I've always been intrigued with what this internet-based chatter might say. Luckily, intelligence has provided WWMRD with a translation of the video's announcement. This is taken directly from an al-Qaeda messageboard:

JihadPimp88: Gu3ss what! N3w tap3 from Osama bin Laden coming soon!!
MAF54: OMG!!
Swimfan: STFU - 4 realz?
Azeroth4life: I'm g0nna g0 W0W on Am3rica! Can't wait for my 72 virgins!
JihadPimp88: U wouldn't €v€n know what 2 do with 72 virgins!
MAF54: pwn3d!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Swimfan: LOLZ

I can not reveal my sources, but that is totally legit. Cross my heart.

In addition to the announcement, WWMRD has also been provided with a sneak peak of Osama's message to America. Not surprisingly, it's the usual "Death to America" jibber jabber, along with a few unexpected oddities. Some of these are:

->Fantasy football picks for this week. (He's starting Warrick Dunn over LJ??)

->A bunch of stuff about scrapbooking.

->A medley of songs from "Up with People"

->And the most bizarre, a list of his top 5 superhunks:
  1. Shemar Moore
  2. Zac Efron
  3. The dudes from Right Said Fred (old flames die hard, I guess?)
  4. Cristiano Ronaldo
  5. Siegfried Fischbacher (WTF?)

I would imagine that CNN and the major news outlets are actually going to edit this fluffy stuff out...this is common practice. All of Osama's messages have been similarly diverse, but time is money! This means broadcasters must edit these tapes (some of which are four or five hours long - most notably the one with the "Cirque du Soleil" segment) down to the scariest 30 seconds. Keep 'em scared, because fear sells! There ain't no Tamiflu for jihad!

One day, the good Lord willing, we will finally get to see these tapes in their entirety. I'd look for the DVD boxset sometime around Christmas 2009. No doubt, the outtakes will be priceless!

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