Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Chemical Ali is getting off easy!! [That's what she said]

So, Ali Hassan al-Majeed aka 'Chemical Ali' is finally going to hang for his crimes. He's going down along with his sidekicks, Sultan Hashem Ahmed and Hussein Rashid Mohammed. Not really sure what the other guys did, but it is a shame they don't have great nicknames like Chemical Ali, (or Chem-Al to his friends and the sportscasters at ESPN.)

Judge: 'Chemical Ali,' 2 others to be hanged

Hanging? It's not exactly the serene cakewalk of a lethal injection, but still pretty light in terms of execution styles. Sure...your head might pop off, but who cares! If I were hung (hanged?) I'd want my head to pop off so there'd be much more mess and gore for those jerk executioners to clean up! It takes more than windex to get spinal fluid out of a cement floor!

"Now use your left hand to rub your stomach in a circular motion. It's tough, eh?"

Clearly, to hang them would be a cop out. These guys killed 100,000 people by much more gruesome methods. Here are my suggestions for some more fitting execution methods:

1. Gored on a meat hook, then pushed into some sort of machinery or a blast furnace. A lá the bad guy in Stallone's 1986 masterpiece, "Cobra".

2. Put him in a Tom Brady jersey and leave him alone with Paul Posluszny. Alternatively, start a rumour that he said some sh*t about Matt Stairs.

3. Take him up in one of those research planes that follow storms and push him out into the middle of Hurricane Felix. It would finally end the "if you fell out of a plane into a hurricane, what would kill you? The storm, the fall, or the shock of being pushed out of a plane into a storm?" debate.

4. Perhaps the ultimate method of torture would be to force him to direct a used car commercial somewhere in middle America. There is no doubt he would eventually kill himself after a few hours of taking orders from some small town used car dealer. You would too if you had your artisic vision interferred with by demands like:

  • "Hey Ali, get a shot of Amanda and her cousins holding the Stars and Stripes over by the 89s...that'll be real cute."

  • "Yes, I am going to wear this eagle costume. USA! USA!"

  • "Forget your music....my band is providing the soundtrack. We're heavily influenced by Frank D’Angelo and the Steelback 24."

  • "We need more yelling!"

Well, that's all I got...we can all agree that Chemical Ali is a douchebag. Nix that, Chemical Ali is a huge douchebag. So are Sultan Hashem Ahmed and Hussein Rashid Mohammed.

Feel free to leave your favourite forms of execution in the comments section below. Chien-Ming Wang is pitching today, so I will hopefully be back later with a hilarious headline!!!

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