New England Patriots move atop BCS standings

By MIKE RENO, AP College Football Writer

November 18, 2007

NEW YORK (AP) - With college football fans not interested in a LSU-Kansas title game, the committee in charge of the Bowl Championship Series today moved the New England Patriots to the top of the BCS standings.

"While LSU deserves a spot in the National Championship game, we did not realize the University of Kansas had a football program. They kind of snuck up on us." said BCS spokesman Randy Hands. "At this time, we do not feel they are deserving of a shot at the title."

Without a worthy opponent available in the college ranks, the BCS has decided to award the New England Patriots with a BCS average of 1.000. This perfect ranking puts them into the title match, without having played a game against a NCAA opponent.

"They're so dreamy," said Hands. "we feel we'd be doing a disservice to Christians everywhere by not giving our lord and saviour Bill Belichick, a shot at the title."

Pats linebacker Tedy Bruschi welcomed the opportunity to play in New Orleans.

"Assured of a first round bye, we will be available to play on January 8th," Bruschi said. "and New Orleans is a great place to cheat on your wife with a tranny".

Tedy Bruschi displaying the evidence of his most recent encounter with a tranny.

Quarterback Tom Brady was a little less enthusiastic about the opportunity.

"I had planned on spending some time with family that week," commented the quarterback and recently-named successor to Pope Benedict XVI. "Oh no, not my son Craig, I will be with Giselle. What? His name's not Craig?"

As the Patriots have not had an opportunity to scout NCAA opponents this year, LSU head coach Les Miles has agreed to hand over his team's playbook for the final game.

"They were going to get the plays one way or another," said Miles. "This keeps Matt Estrella off our sidelines the next couple weeks. Estrella is such a fantastic videographer, his handiwork and flawless technique with the camera would be just too distracting for our guys."

BCS officials have stated that even though they have already decided to award the Patriots with the National Championship, the January 8th title game will be played out, "for shits and giggles."

With the game just over seven weeks away, oddsmakers have made the Patriots infinity point favourites.

Buffalo - you've got a job to do! The pay is not so good, (but it will look great on a resume)

Gisele Bündchen once dated the keyboard player from Honeymoon Suite.

When a visiting team comes to B-Lo, does anyone know where they stay? Anyone?

The luxurious Mansion on Delaware is far too small to hold the team, although maybe pretty boy and his current German-Brazilian beard stay there. (Side note: Is it just me, or is Gisele Bündchen aging badly? Seriously! I used to think she was foxy back in the day, but every time I see her now, I think she kind of looks like Steffi Graf. That’s not a compliment.) If they are staying there, I hope the ghost that haunts the fourth floor terrorizes them.

Actually, wait a sec....I know this....the rest of the team is staying at the Hyatt. I know this because Steve Holt over at WorldWideNetWeb stayed there last year and had a run in with LaDanian Tomlinson, a J-Lo tracksuit wearing Phil Rivers, and a piano player who was kind of racist. But as Hammy Hamster says, that’s another story….

To the good kids of Buffalo: I encourage you this coming Saturday, after a night of revelry on Chippewa Street, to make the short walk over to the Hyatt and raise hell. It will be fun - and for a good cause!

To make it real easy, I have presented some easy to follow steps:

1. Leave you bar of choice between the hours of 1 and 4am. The drunker the better.

2. Head over to Jim’s Steak-Out and grab a hoagie.

3. Walk up to the Hyatt. If someone who sort of looks like a hooker asks you for a light, BE CAREFUL! She will try to grab your package. This is fact.

4. Run Wild. Make lots of noise. Make sure the Pats don’t sleep a wink. There’s no security at the Hyatt…..and even if there is, do you think they’re going to care if you f*ck with the douchebag Pats? Not bloody likely.

5. If you happen to see Tedy Bruschi, kick him in the nuts. Then make a joke about people who suffer from roid-induced strokes.

Is this course of action offside? Hardly. If you check Facebook, you'd see that one Bill Belichick started a group prior to Week 3 that encouraged local fratboys to take time off from fantasizing about showering with Terry Francona to disrupt the travelling Bills. He also started a group encouraging people to commit adultery with chicks from Jersey who aren't that hot.

Would you pay this woman $30,000 a month to be your girlfriend? Belichick would.

So, there it is kids….I suppose this qualifies as a “call to arms”. If you go to UB, ECC or even D’Youville College – pass this message on to your friends and classmates. Everyone knows this is a far more worthy cause than any disease…including rabies.

To my fan(s) in Boston....

As per Google Analytics, on August 1st, a "fan" came across my blog via a google search for the magical term "Tom Brady". Said search was also based out of Boston. This one view....if it came from a kid who can't read, or from Shaughnessy himself, completely justifies the fact that I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

So, to continue on my Boston rant, I swear by the following: If the Pats 53 man roster were to somehow become engaged with enemy insurgents in a fight to the death, I would root for the insurgents. That is a fact. Normally I can see past the fact that ye are an opposing team, and probably decent human beings otherwise....not in this case. And to be honest, this is probably not all your fault. It is the NFL and the NFL Media for perpetuating the "legacy" of the recent Pats teams. If you think I am lying, consider this: The Pats did not get called for a penalty vs the Bills in Week One of the 2006 season. Not one. Actually, when I re-read the boxscore, it claims the Pats had one penalty for five yards...which I fail to remember. Anyone who watches football will tell you that a penalty-less game is impossible. Not unless the NFL is on your side.....which would explain why the Pats have got every call since 2001. Even the most biased Pats fan has to wonder how Donte Whitners INT was whistled dead last year. It's BS and you all know it. The league is in on this.

And if you want to know how I feel about the broadcasters, read the post of a few days ago.

Let the following be known:

Tom Brady is a deadbeat dad. It is a fact. He dumped his longtime girlfriend shortly after knocking her up. Don't blame this on her....this is hallmark behavior of a deadbeat. If Tom Brady weren't white, this would be bigger news....and you're naive if you think that's not the truth.

Bill Belichick is an adulterer. It is a fact. In the divorce trial of Vincent Shenocca and his wife Sharon, Vincent has accused Sharon of adultery at the hands (and undersized genetalia) of Belichick. Sharon's courtroom rebuttal is to ask her ex-husband to provide proof she had an affair with old Bill. Prove it? That is your rebuttal??!? Is your lawyer in the ninth grade? Here's how Vincent will prove it. Sharon used to receive parcels containing $30,000 cash on a regular basis from one B. Belichick. If that is not proof enough, well then the American justice system has failed. How else would that pear shaped douchebag get any? He wears hoodies....full time!! He can't even take a lesson from Jack Del Rio and put on a suit for a prime time game??!? The ghost of Vince Lombardi weeps. It's probably because he can't find a suit in a 54 short. He's a dumpy, miserable f*ck who pays for sex. Case closed.

Tedy Bruschi is on steroids. People bash Barry Bonds (black) for being on the juice....while Tedy Bruschi (white) remains an American hero. How else does a guy in his early 30s have a stroke?!?!? He must have had help. Clearly a number of NFL players must be on something....but how does Teflon Bruschi get off so easily? And why does everyone treat his as an all-pro?!?! He's an AVERAGE player, at best.

Tedy is also a bad father and a homosexual, (not that there is anything wrong with that. The homo part. There is EVERYTHING wrong with being a bad father).

Click on the picture below. Wikipedia does not lie.

Guess what today is!!!!

Today, July 25th, is the first day of Bills training camp. The first step in what should be, the good Lord willing, a Superbowl Championship season!

If there are any questions as to how awesome the Bills are going to be this year, let those questions be answered by the following video:



So, the Bills had the best Special Teams in the league last year, and they go ahead and add a player who has clearly been sent by the Lord. You hear that AFC East?!? That's John Wendling jumping over you.

In other AFC East news, Tedy Bruschi is not dead.....unfortunately.

http://www.thebostonchannel.com/news/13751337/detail.html

Actually, a dead Tedy Bruschi would be the WORST THING EVER! Why, you ask? Because Joe Theismann and the rest of the NFL media is for some reason in LOVE with Tedy Bruschi, a pretty average linebacker.

The best thing that could happen would be for Bruschi to play this year, have an average season, then fade away. If he were to die, there is a chance the NFL would disband. It would just be too painful. Actually, no...it would not disband, but it would end up changing the name of the 'Superbowl' to the Tedy Bruschi Memorial. All teams in the league would wear be forced to wear black uniforms in perpetuity.

Remember how Nirvana used to be an OK band? Cobain blows his head off, and now they are remembered as the voice of a generation, and 'Nevermind' is the greatest album of the past 25 years. If Bruschi dies, it would that much worse. There would be tributes every Sunday for the next 60 years. He would be remember as the man who invented football, tore down the Berlin Wall, walked on the moon and cured polio.....all during halftime of a game in which he registered 200 sacks!

I want to discuss his GARBAGE player of the week award in his comeback game a couple years ago....but I am just TOO ANGRY. TOOOOOO ANNGRRRRRYYYYY!

OK...back to the Bills. JP Losman (from now on referred to as Jesus P.) will hopefully be in fine form this season. Check out the video below. It is encouraging, but I have to disagree with the statement that the current Bills offense is looking a lot like the Rams of old. Lee Evans is as good as Tory Holt.....but Peerless Price/Josh Reed are no Isaac Bruce.