Friday, August 31, 2007

Minnesota Taps: The Larry Craig Story

More details of Larry Craig's arrest are starting to emerge. Apparently, he is not gay.

Sen. Craig to police: 'I'm not gay'

Fair enough. I don't think there is anyone who believes you, but keep telling yourself and everyone who will listen that you are not gay....maybe you'll eventually convince someone.

Who's the man responsible for bagging Senator Craig? That would be Sgt Dave Karsnia. (By the way, I didn't mean to use the term 'bagging'...but it kind of fits, I guess.) I'm not going to comment on the hypocrisy of Senator Larry Craig, or even the "he's what?!" angle. I am more interested in the work of Sgt Karsnia.

The encounter apparently began when Senator Craig and Sgt Karsnia's feet bumped in the forbidden zone between two bathroom stalls.

"Did we bump? Yes, I think we did. You said so. I don't disagree with that," Craig said.

Ewwwwwwww. That's f-ing gross. If I was in a public restroom and someone touched my foot with their foot, I would instantly finish my business and run away. Run like the wind, I tells ya. If they followed this up by sticking their hand underneath the stall, I would scream. Actually, I wouldn't because I would have already run away when they touched my foot.

Now, I think that Senator Craig is liar and a hypocrite...he was definitely looking for action. That said, Sgt Karsnia is an airport cop, who is probably try to tantalize random commuters to take the dirty bait.

From the transcripts (available HERE. Comedy goldmine, by the way)

" DK: I am trained in this and I know what I am doing"

So, from this we can conclude that Karsnia is probably the officer in charge with rounding up pervs. This would probably involve spending a lot of time in washroom stalls. Do you think he drops a deuce while he's in there, just for the added realism of the whole affair? I would assume he could not, unless he eats a lot of bran. The real question is, what does he do on his coffee breaks if he already spends all day going number two? We may need to reanimate all of history's great philosophers to figure this one out.

Now that Craig has claimed to hire a lawyer, I would assume there may be some kind of trial. (I really don't know much about law though....) I would like to represent the People of Minnesota (said in my best Jesse Ventura). T he transcript linked above will be all the evidence I's why:

DK Yeah, well your foot did touch mine, on my side of the stall.
LC: All right.
DK: Okay. And then with the hand. Urn, how many times did you put your hand under the stall?
LC: I don't recall. I remember reaching down once. There was a piece of toilet paper back behind me and picking it up.

I don't care who you are. People don't pick toilet paper up off the ground in public restrooms. Hell, I don't even pick toilet paper up off the ground in my own's just gross. There is more toilet paper on the need to go fiddling around for the square that you dropped. Clearly Senator Craig was trying to hold hands. (I think that's what pervs like to do? No idea really.) There isn't a jury in the world that wouldn't agree with this!! Case f-ing closed!!!

Anyway, I'm outta here...gotta train to catch. Please read the transcripts. It will make your weekend. Here's the link again, just in case you are too lazy to scroll up:

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