Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Dear Dan Shaughnessy....

Dear Dan Shaughnessy...please remove your head from your ass.

Eff you. It is 1am...I was just about to go to bed, when I stumbled across your ridiculous analysis of recent transactions, and the current state of sports in Boston. Your overly eager pile of steaming crap makes me long for the negativity of our Toronto sports writers. Now, I have to stay up and write about this....even though no one is reading. I have a feeling this is what Jewel does when she wakes up from a bad dream about living in van. That said, she is the best selling living American poet. USA! USA!

So, back to Shaughnessy. I don't even know where to begin. Douchebag begins his article with this:

"Christmas Day. Graduation Day. Wedding Day. The day you got your first good job. The day you moved into your dream house. The day your first child was born. And then there’s July 31, 2007. The day Boston sports fans were rewarded with a stunning shower of gifts."

Back when The Price Is Right had an occasional prime time special.....that was a "stunning shower of gifts", this really isn't. You've got KG, a guy who can fill up a stats sheet, but really hasn't won anything and a rented middle reliever whose back and elbow are about as solid as artisanal sheeps milk cheese from rural Quebec.

Now, don't dismiss this as sour grapes. As a Raptors fan, I can acknowledge the fact the Celts are better today than they were pre-KG.....I think? Can these guys play together? That remains to be seen. Let us not forget Doc Rivers is still coaching. You can't just stick three "stars" on a team and assume they'll win 60 games and score 120 points a night....isn't that right 1999 Houston Rockets?? (Pippen, Barkley AND The Dream?? Forget it....mail the trophy to Houston post-haste...then let's grab the new LFO record...they're going to be massive!)

"After weeks of speculation and hours of rumor and negotiation, the Red Sox became World Series favorites and the Celtics made reservations for the NBA Finals all within a few hours."

Keep thinking that Shaughnessy. A middle reliever does not make the Sox any better than the .500 club they've been the last two months. And if you think the Celts are now front runners to win the east, you're drinking the same kool-aid that you're selling.

Here are MY predicitions for the coming Celts/Sox seasons.

RED SOX - IF they hold off the Yankees, (and that's a big if), they lose in the first round of the playoffs to the Cleveland Indians. Local broads continue to wear stupid pink Red Sox merch and frat boys continue to pop their collars. Date rape runs rampant. (By the way, is there anything less attractive that girls in sports merchandise? Unless you are on a bus and heading to Buffalo at 8am on the sabbath, there is no reason for a girl to be wearing sports merch. It ain't hot.)

CELTICS - Danny Ainge goes into the season without addressing the fact that Doc Rivers is still the coach, and that the Celts will have the worst bench in NBA history! After the usual injuries and Paul Pierce meltdowns, the Celts win 40 games. If they're lucky, the grab the #8 seed and lose to the Pistons or Bulls in Round 1.

Not surprisingly, Shaughnessy also manages to fellate the Pats. Now, I'm not saying the Bills are a going to be a playoff team...which means my Superbowl will be won when Paul Posluszny cracks Tom Brady's spine, (although most would agree that deadbeat dads lack a spine....which might explain how he got up from that hit courtesy of Takeo Spikes in Week One last year).

Finally, (because I need sleep), I present to you the best line of the article:

"And we had a pretty good run of championships in our town back in the golden year of 1986."

Did I miss something? Let's examine.

Celtics - Fair comment with regards to the 85-86 Celtics....good team with a deep bench...that's how you win championships! (And it doesn't hurt that the Lakers were upset in the Western Finals.)

Pats - Embarrassed by the Bears in the Superbowl. Follow it up with an early playoff exit, and then ten years as the joke of the league.

Bruins - Squeak into the playoffs. Swept by the Habs in the first round.

Red Sox - who can forget! Lost the World Series on a play that 80% of NotSoPro players would have made.

Unless they won a number of championships in lesser pro leagues, I would hardly call that a golden year. Losing in the finals does not constitute a championship season!

Right now, I bet you are asking yourself, "what can I do to help?" The answer to that is simple. Burn fossil fuels like your life depends on it. In fact, find all the jerry cans you can, fill them with high octane gasoline and set fire to the glaciers. Once this city (or more acurately, Shaughnessy's office at the Globe) is 50 feet underwater, we can rest easy.

1 comment:

  1. Awesome. I'm surprised he didn't bring in the Manny Fernandez signing.


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