Dead to Me....

To steal a bit from Stephen Colbert, I present to you “Dead to Me” for the Week of September 13, 2007.

1. The 2007 Toronto Blue Jays

Did anyone else realize that Lyle Overbay has one white hand, and one black hand?

Before the season started, I was so excited for 2007 Jays offensive juggernaut that I pitched a tent…..outside the Gate 9 ticket window, so that I would have first crack at quality Jays tickets for the coming season. Was I a little worried about the patchwork pitching staff? Sure….but who cares when we are going to score 12 runs a game.

Fast forward six months. My excitement level remains high…not because the Jays are in the mix for a playoff spot…but because I’ve used my last tickets for the year. (Actually, that’s a lie. I have tickets for this Friday’s game, but I put them on Craigslist with an asking price of $0.00. No takers yet.) Praise the Lord! I can now completely stop paying attention to this lazy, uninspired and frustrating ball club.

The were a few bright spots this season – those being the emergence of Shaun Marcum as a quality starter, the rejuvenation of Matt Stairs, and the outstanding customer service of our ticket rep, Tyler McNamara. It’s just not enough to keep me interested now that it is football season. 2007 Toronto Blue Jays – you are officially dead to me!


2. Gary Bettman

"Hey ladies....here's what I'd look like with a moustache!"

Do you think that Roger Goodell, David Stern, Bud Selig and Gary Bettman ever hang out together? Maybe the occasional round of golf, or the annual “Commissioners Only” party over at Vince McMahon’s house? If they do, I have no doubt that Bettman is the outcast who sits in the corner by himself and tries to make eye contact with everyone who walks by, just so they’ll be forced into a few minutes of meaningless conversation with him. No one really wants him to tag along…he just sort of invites himself because he is the Commissioner of a professional sports league.

Gary Bettman’s desire to impress his Commissioner friends is the only thing that can explain Mark Bell’s 15-game suspension! “Hey Goodell, check it out! I can run things with an iron first too! Wanna go to the Sizzler?” Let the record show that Mark Bell has already been forced into some sort of league-mandated rehab, (even though he’s been admittedly sober for a while), and that’s not even the worst of it! He’s gotta spend next summer in prison! Way to kick a kid while he’s down Bettman!

I could go on, but I won’t bother. I just realized that David Shoalts wrote the same article in today’s Globe & Mail. I swear I hadn’t read that before. He’s a professional writing guy, so I will let him finish the story.

Don’t even get me started on the meddling that continues to keep teams out of viable markets like Hamilton. Bettman – just resign already. You’re already dead to me!


3. Rick Reilly

Rick Reilly - Making Mock Turtlenecks "work" since 1985

I used to not mind Rick Reilly. He can occasionally be funny, or at least reasonably interesting. After this week’s piece – he’s dead to me!

School For The Uncool

Another fluffy piece about the greatness of Tom Brady…wonderful. Why don’t you just write about how murder is bad, and kittens are cute! It’s much more edgy material!

My favourite part of the article is where Tom talks about his new kid, and Reilly’s ensuing proclamation that Brady has got this parenting thing all figured out:

"I kind of cuddled him like a football," Brady says, adding that it's killing him that he can't be in Los Angeles for every sneeze. "I'd love to be out there all the time, year-round, but it's hard to make that a reality. I live here. But I'll start lobbying for off days throughout the year."

Personal responsibility. Check.

What the? That’s all it takes to be considered as a person who takes care or their responsibilities? Someone should tell this to Bridget Moynahan so she can appreciate what a great father Tom is! Once I’m done with my summer vacation, I plan on working one day every two weeks. When is Haley’s Comet back? That’s when the CRA can expect me to file my taxes! I always thought parenting would be easy, and Rick Reilly has confirmed it!

4. Google Ads

Who can hate Google Ads? You put them on your website…occasionally a cross-eyed visitor clicks them by mistake…bingo, Google sends you a cheque for $100. It’s so, so easy….but as of today – so, so immoral.

Why all the hate? Well…as I was doing my daily reading over at WorldWideNetWeb, I came across the following Google Ad:

Whaaaaaaaaaaat the hell? Google is pimping their Video Toolbar by exploiting poor Kevin Everett? That’s just wrong. Do you think they also have ads that read “Christopher Reeve bloopers – watch Superman fall off a horse!” or “Check out Chris Benoit put his son in the sleeper!” I’m very unhappy about this.

Google Ads – you’re dead to me. Although, I will leave you up on WWMRD as I am up to almost $6 in revenue.


5. Walls



Now – this one seems a little strange, but hear me out. I was viciously attacked by a wall in my home this morning, leaving me with some elbow bruising. At press time, I’m listed as ‘probable’ for tonight’s softball game.

Some say the wall was provoked when I decided to take off a bulky hooded sweater while walking down an narrow hall, but that’s just a lie.

Walls, for your unprovoked attack on me this morning, you’re dead to me. From now on, I will be living in a tent at Withrow Park. Once the snow starts to fall, I will find a neighbour’s carport to sleep under. You won’t be able to find me there!