Minnesota Taps: The Larry Craig Story

More details of Larry Craig's arrest are starting to emerge. Apparently, he is not gay.

Sen. Craig to police: 'I'm not gay'

Fair enough. I don't think there is anyone who believes you, but keep telling yourself and everyone who will listen that you are not gay....maybe you'll eventually convince someone.

Who's the man responsible for bagging Senator Craig? That would be Sgt Dave Karsnia. (By the way, I didn't mean to use the term 'bagging'...but it kind of fits, I guess.) I'm not going to comment on the hypocrisy of Senator Larry Craig, or even the "he's gay...so what?!" angle. I am more interested in the work of Sgt Karsnia.

The encounter apparently began when Senator Craig and Sgt Karsnia's feet bumped in the forbidden zone between two bathroom stalls.

"Did we bump? Yes, I think we did. You said so. I don't disagree with that," Craig said.

Ewwwwwwww. That's f-ing gross. If I was in a public restroom and someone touched my foot with their foot, I would instantly finish my business and run away. Run like the wind, I tells ya. If they followed this up by sticking their hand underneath the stall, I would scream. Actually, I wouldn't because I would have already run away when they touched my foot.

Now, I think that Senator Craig is liar and a hypocrite...he was definitely looking for action. That said, Sgt Karsnia is an airport cop, who is probably try to tantalize random commuters to take the dirty bait.

From the transcripts (available HERE. Comedy goldmine, by the way)

" DK: I am trained in this and I know what I am doing"

So, from this we can conclude that Karsnia is probably the officer in charge with rounding up pervs. This would probably involve spending a lot of time in washroom stalls. Do you think he drops a deuce while he's in there, just for the added realism of the whole affair? I would assume he could not, unless he eats a lot of bran. The real question is, what does he do on his coffee breaks if he already spends all day going number two? We may need to reanimate all of history's great philosophers to figure this one out.

Now that Craig has claimed to hire a lawyer, I would assume there may be some kind of trial. (I really don't know much about law though....) I would like to represent the People of Minnesota (said in my best Jesse Ventura). T he transcript linked above will be all the evidence I need....here's why:

DK Yeah, well your foot did touch mine, on my side of the stall.
LC: All right.
DK: Okay. And then with the hand. Urn, how many times did you put your hand under the stall?
LC: I don't recall. I remember reaching down once. There was a piece of toilet paper back behind me and picking it up.

I don't care who you are. People don't pick toilet paper up off the ground in public restrooms. Hell, I don't even pick toilet paper up off the ground in my own home...it's just gross. There is more toilet paper on the roll...no need to go fiddling around for the square that you dropped. Clearly Senator Craig was trying to hold hands. (I think that's what pervs like to do? No idea really.) There isn't a jury in the world that wouldn't agree with this!! Case f-ing closed!!!

Anyway, I'm outta here...gotta train to catch. Please read the transcripts. It will make your weekend. Here's the link again, just in case you are too lazy to scroll up:

Jeriously, I love this stuff....

The post-game headlines from today's Yankees - Red Sox game are starting to appear, or should I say, "pop up".

Consider this web-based journal your source for the best in Chien-Ming Wang headlines.

And now that you mention it, the title of this entry is not a typo. In honour of Jerious Norwood, one of the many stars of my fantasy football team, I am going to use the term "Jerious" instead of "serious" for the duration of the coming NFL season. I know I will probably forget once in a while, but the good Lord willing, that won't happen.

My Fantasy Football Draft...

Well, today was the day...finally had my first fantasy football draft of the year. My team is currently named "Posluszny Hates You" and we rule. Check the photo below...he totally hates you.

Now, I must say that I did zero research prior to draft day. Mainly, I was just trying to pick guys who hadn't torn their ACL in the past 90 days. Not really sure how the team will hold up, but let us examine on a pick-by-pick basis. Pretty standard 12-team league.

Round 1. (6th Overall) Frank Gore RB

Figured he'd go anywhere between 4th and 7th, so was glad to see he was there at #6. Thought about Shaun Alexander here, but he's getting old and Alexander (to me anyways) seems like the type of guy who will fade away quickly, a la Marshall Faulk a few years ago. I could be very wrong, but I took Gore. I didn't realize he only had eight TDs last year...oh well.

Round 2. (19th Overall) Maurice Jones-Drew RB

I remember him causing Buffalo fits last year...then again, which RB didn't? As Fred Taylor breaks down even more, Jones-Drew should carry the load in Jacksonville. That said, Fred Taylor may have retired...I have no idea. Did you know Buffalo traded the pick that became Fred Taylor for Rob Johnson. Yikes.

Round 3. (30th Overall) Terrell Owens WR

With WRs getting a point for every ten receiving yards, I had to forget about a QB for the time being. Figure TO is worth the risk in Round 3, with Ocho Cinco and the other big guys off the board. I'm sure he will have sulked his way out of Dallas by Week 8...but maybe I can deal him to the Cowboys fan in our league.

Round 4. (43rd Overall) Lee Evans WR

Sweet Lee 8-3. Love this guy. There is a good chance that Buffalo's offense this coming season is going to consist exclusively of the deep ball...that bodes well for Evans. Trying to make a Larry Craig joke here, using the term "receiving" and "balls", but I just can't put it together. Feel free to contribute in the comments section below. Best joke wins a prize.

Round 5. (54th Overall) Reggie Brown WR

One of the better WRs with some upside left. I read a fantasy report that said he was poised for superstardom. Good enough for me.

Round 6. (67th Overall) Vernon Davis TE

He was a Top 10 pick in 2006. I remember him putting up good numbers before he got hurt last season. The fancy TEs, like Gates, Gonzales and Heap were gone....so I took a chance on Davis over Winslow.

Round 7. (78th Overall) San Diego DEF

I'm happy about this pick. Didn't Merriman have like 85 sacks in only 4 games last year? That's what I am hoping for again this year. Just hope Merriman and Castillo can stay off the drugs...I don't need any suspensions.

Round 8. (91th Overall) Jerious Norwood RB

This was a "Oh yeah...I forgot this guy even existed. He was decent when I saw him last year!" Again, no idea if Warrick Dunn is even healthy, so I hope that Norwood is the guy in Hotlanta. I really dislike the surname "Norwood", but "Jerious" is a great first name. No denying that.

Round 9. (102nd Overall) Jay Cutler QB

I pretty much gave up on picking a QB a long time ago. I think every team in the league had one except for me. Went ahead and took Cutler once I realized guys were starting to draft backup QBs. Did not want to get stuck with Rex Grossman....though someone did take him. Wow. Cutler, another guy who is being handed the #1 job in his second season...seems like the theme of my team. I had thought about Chadwick Pennington, but no dice....and no arm.

Round 10. (115th Overall) Anthony Gonzalez WR

Rookie, but figures to have Peyton Manning chuckin the ball to him. Seemed reasonable at this point....although all the articles raving about Gonzalez may have been written by the same people who got LaMont Jordan into the first round a few drafts a couple years back.

Round 11. (126th Overall) Craig Davis WR

Rookie, but looks to be a Top 2 receiver on a team that moves the ball. Actually make that a number three, or even four. Apparently, San Diego has a good TE and RB. To be honest, I just wanted to draft a black guy with a really white name. I have a Mexican friend named Arturo, (one day, I may go into more detail.) He's a Chargers fan. I would like to see a Mexican wear the jersey of a black guy with a white name. It's about as close to world peace as we may ever get.

Round 12. (139th Overall) Olindo Mare K

New Orleans scores a lot of points. They play indoors. Olindo went to the 'Cuse. Enough said. Thought about Janikowski, just so I could make roofie jokes.....but I didn't.

Round 13. (150th Overall) Ladell Betts RB

How many yards from scrimmage did Betts have last year? 700? 800? WRONG. Try 1599! I had no idea until after drafting him, but this makes me feel better. My rationale with this pick was that Clinton Portis would eventually get hurt, or quit football to record a rap album....as all Miami Hurricanes do. (Oh crap...I took Frank Gore at #6, and he went to Miami.) It might be that kinda season.

Lance Briggs (and a bunch of other stuff...)

I am officially announcing myself as a candidate to join Lance Briggs' legal team...and I think I have a pretty good shot, despite having no formal training in law-talkin' stuff.

As you may know, Lance apparently crashed his Lamborghini Murciélago in Chicago, and then proceeded to leave the scene of the accident. Read about it here:

Briggs' offenses minor

Now, Lance has admitted to driving the car...but it is possible he gave this statement under duress. I do realize the car is registered to him, but there is NO WAY he was driving it. How am I so certain? Lance Briggs is listed at 6'1" and 240 lb. There is no possible way he could have wedged himself into a car designed for a 5'7", 130lb Italian. It is just not possible. If the abandoned car would have been a Ford F150 or a large motorcoach, he would have been in trouble...but he wasn't. This defense is airtight.

So, as the late Johnnie Cochran might have said, "if the car doesn't fit, you must acquit."

Ideally, the Bears will cut him and he can sign with the Bills. I'd take a chance on him...anything to help the D. Normally, after three weeks of pre-season, I am filled with false hope about the coming season, and feel that a playoff spot is well within reach. This year, I'm just not feeling it. Unless, Dick Jauron has been sandbagging it for the whole preseason. He looks like a hustler, so that must be it. OK, once again I am convinced that the Bills are going to the playoffs....

How about another celebrity look-a-like? Adam Olenius, (lead singer of Swedish band Shout Out Louds) and Jason Schwartzman, (star of Rushmore and I Heart Huckabees).



Rushmore - great movie. I Heart Huckabees - terrible, (I'm not very smart, so maybe I just didn't "get it".)

Speaking of Huckabees, consider this a shout out to former Jay, Ken Huckaby. You will forever hold a special place in our hearts for taking out Derek Jeter on opening day a few years ago. The photo below is a classic.





Over and out - gotta get back to multi-tasking.

Now Watching - Bucs/Dolphins pre-season football.

Now Listening - Rogue Wave's new album, "Asleep at Heaven's Gate". So far, so good. I like the heavy New Order influence on the opening track, as well as the nod to Marshall Applewhite.

Now Drinking - Reunion Island Ethiopia Sidamo coffee. It's fair trade. Bob Geldof would be proud.

Lazy Friday...

Well, I am at the in-laws, and the stormy weather outside has caused the satellite dish to stop functioning. I guess I will have to rent the Rob Schneider epic "The Animal" to see how it ends. That said, I did see this film at the theatre back in 2001. I'm somewhat embarrassed by this...but I was young, so gimme a break.

Time for another celebrity look-a-like! This one brought to you by the good people at the WorldWideNetWeb. All of us here are big fans.

So, here it goes. Bills receiver Josh Reed and child star Raven Symone:



This one is pretty good....it might be the best match yet.

So, has anyone read the article in the most recent Maclean's about the scam which is high-priced matchmaking services? It's real good. Now, don't get me wrong...I have nothing against matchmaking services who charge thousands of dollars for doing limited work. In fact, I sort of like the fact that some people are preying on the single and aging....they seem like a weak demographic. It's sort of like how the brass down at One Bills Drive continues to prey on me...I have a weakness for the dream which is a Superbowl, (or even a playoff appearance). If I buy more jerseys, I will help make that happen.

Sorry, back to the story. This article in Macleans is quite amusing. As one who has been recently wed, I feel that I can fully make fun of the 'aging and single', as I am 'aging and not single'. The fact that people have to use a service is not so funny....obviously people get to a point where they no longer go out and all their friends are married, so finding someone to date would be quite difficult. I have no problem with this. The part that is hilarious to me is that each single and lonely person has set their standards WAY too high.

For example, "Lisa" is a 56-year old lawyer who paid $5000 to be matched up by something called the 'Allied Network', [make your own jokes up about this one.] I really can't say for sure, but I would imagine a single, 56-year old lawyer to look something like this:



Maybe a nice lady, (probably not), but not that attractive. Lawyers apparently read a lot, so I would imagine she also has an issue with squinting. Again, not attractive...unless you are a weirdo with a Mister Magoo fetish.

Quoting the article, "Lisa" was demanding a guy who was "attractive, not bald, taller, healthy, active, a professional or someone who earns more money, no baggage, likes animals, rides horses, enjoys a glass of wine but is not an alcoholic." Wow...Lisa....two things:

1. This guy does not exist.
2. If he did, do you not think every woman with access to five grand would pay that much to meet him?

Shockingly, Allied Network was unable to find "Lisa" a suitable match...and after "Lisa" threatened to go to the press, she was subsequently refunded $3000 of her initial $5000 fee.

Now, you may be wondering, "Why was she so upset? Did Allied hook "Lisa" up with a bunch of homeless guys?" Probably not. I would imagine she was set up with a bunch of "40 Year Old Virgin" types. I really have no idea though. In my opinion, a 56-year old woman should take whatever she can get. Of the 10 criterion "Lisa" had for a her dream guy, she should have been happy with a 20% hit rate. She ain't gonna get anywhere if she keeps her standards so high. Look at me....I was able to get my bride to lower her expectations, and now we are very happy. It's a bit like me with teams I root for....at this point, I'd settle for a playoff appearance....I no longer dream of championships.

So, on that note "Lisa", I have an offer for you. I know a guy who is both "not bald" and "active"....I will introduce you for $80. (Pat - you'll get a 20% cut - danger pay.)


Editors note: Above, I claimed that the guy Lisa desired did not exist. Well, that was not always the case. RIP Chris.

Who the f*ck is Pete Doherty?

I had the television on this afternoon, and one of the headline stories was about Pete Doherty's release (on a technicality) from jail in London. Now, since you are intrigued, you must be asking yourself, "What channel was this on? I didn't realize we have a channel that dealt with the latest useless celebrity gossip from jolly old England. Do I pay extra for this?"

Well....not to worry. You are not paying extra for this irrelevant news.

This headline story was on CNN!!

Yes, the world's cable news leader feels that a story about an junkie, who is unknown to Americans, is equally newsworthy as a category 5 hurricane, a potentially risky shuttle landing and a summit between North America's leaders. For shame.

So, back to the headline. Who the f*ck is Pete Doherty? All I know is that he used to be in The Libertines, now plays in a band called Babyshambles (who I assume are terrible) and he dated Kate Moss. I used to read the NME a lot....and even I don't really know who this guy is.

I can not explain how or why the US media has picked up on this Doherty in recent months. It completely boggles my mind. If Bono or Chris Martin had a heroin problem, maybe that makes the news over here....those guys are massive rock stars. Doherty is not.

I don't know for sure, but I would assume that Pete Doherty and his related bands have sold under 50,000 albums in total on this side of the Atlantic....hardly a chart-topper. I guess the news outlets are just laying the groundwork now, because they know he will eventually be found dead with a needle sticking out of his arm....and that's good TV.

It's not just CNN. I also remember reading about him on a daily basis, along with Hilton and Lohan, in the Metro (the paper for commuters). I'll give the Metro a pass on this, as I believe they are a Swedish company. Maybe all the Metro papers around the globe get their celebrity gossip from some central database in Europe. But CNN?!?! Come on. I used to think of CNN as a trusted news source, but their afternoon programming has been dumbed down so much, I don't think I can watch anymore. Along with Doherty, they also did a piece on America's best party schools. Now that's responsible programming!

An experiment...

Just for kicks, I am going to post today's most popular keywords just to see if I can kick up a little extra traffic. Maybe someone who is searching for Jenna Bush stories may also be looking for Warrick Dunn look-a-likes....you never really knows.

So, as per Yahoo! the days most popular search terms are:

Jenna Bush
Max Roach
Jose Padilla
Ben Kingsley
Houston Traffic
Map of Peru
One Life to Live
The Invasion Movie
So You Think You Can Dance
Jay-Z

If I don't have 200 hits by sun up, then the internet is broken.

A Loverboy video just came on the TV. If that isn't a sign from the internet gods (Al Gore and Little Superstar), I don't know what is.

I got nothin...

I'm going to be honest with you...I got nothing. I have nothing at all to write about....so, I'm going to just start writing and see how that turns out. Even after that past sentence, still nothing. Just padding word count at this point.

OK, first off....how about another look-a-like. Everyone likes those. I present to you a set of twins, seperated at birth. Former Charlton striker Kevin Lisbie and Warrick Dunn.





Soooooooooo......how about those Toronto FC fans? Passionate bunch, but there are a few who take things a little too seriously, no?

John Doyle has an interesting article about Toronto FC posted on the Guardian's (a UK newspaper) website.

Meanwhile in Canada...

He's a Canadian, who has written a complimentary piece about Toronto FC and it's fans for the masses overseas. Basically, it article can be summed up as follows, "Toronto FC has a great following. Didn't need Beckham to make the game popular here. Danny Dichio is a folk hero."

Now, you may remember that Toronto FC fans were up in arms over the fact that Damien Cox did not mention them in his recent article about summer sports in Toronto. Fair enough. Now, Toronto FC gets mentioned lovingly in a publication with a much higher profile than The Star, and what happens? Some fans, (maybe the same ones, maybe it's a totally different group), get totally pissed that Doyle referred to the team as "The FC" and not "TFC". For shame.

You know what, who really cares what the team gets called? Just enjoy it. Don't bombard Doyle with your complaints....he wasn't being smug or intentionally belittling the team...it was all done with good intentions.

The fans who nitpick about others who call the team "FC" or "The FC" need to realize that this is North America, and MLS is a North American league. The standard naming of a franchise is as follows:

[CITY NAME] [TEAM NAME]

For example:

• Buffalo Bills
• Barrie Baycats
• Macon Whoopee (this is fo real)
• Hamilton Predators

So, for anyone who isn't a stickler asshole, referring to the team as FC is fine. It fits the naming convention of city name, followed by team name. Now, I agree that FC is kind of a dumb name for a team, and TFC has a better ring to it, but relax....everyone is rooting for the same team.

Living it up in Western New York / Celebrity Look-a-likes...

First off, my apologies for the lack of WWMRD updates over the past few days. I have been vacationing in Western New York. A few facts/tidbits about this trip:

• Apparently, people under 60 don't stay at bed and breakfasts. That said, the place we stayed in Canandaigua was great....I ate like an eight year old from Ohio....which means I ate a lot.


• Letchworth State Park is called the 'Grand Canyon of the East'. It's a nice spot, but I think the comparison is a bit insulting to the Grand Canyon. The comparison is a bit like saying "I'm the Gary Kasparov of my living room".


• The new screens at Ralph Wilson Stadium are looking good.


• Premier Liquor is the best liquor store I have ever set foot in. Better than Summerhill, although somewhat confusing in it's organization. Worth a trip. Visit them here.


• Buffalo is cheap. The wife and I went to the swankiest restaurant in Buffalo, and were unable to spend $200. There might have been five bottles on the wine list which were more than $60. That's kinda where things start here in Toronto.


• The Mansion on Delaware is the nicest hotel I have ever stayed at....which to be honest, really isn't saying much. Still very nice though. I would have enjoyed it more if I hadn't had read the article on the hotel wall which claims the fourth floor is haunted, (we stayed on the fourth).


• There is an ad featuring a 30 ft Steve Tasker in the Walden Galleria.


• Kentucky Greg's Hickory Pit is not swanky, but it may have the best food in the state. Also worth a trip. Visit them here.

So, onto the other topic mentioned in the title, Celebrity Look-a-likes. I was inspired to write about this after watching a recent episode of Two and a Half Men on CBS. I have been saying for years that the kid (Angus T. Jones) on that show is a white, 10 year old replica of Vernon Wells.

Let the photo evidence below speak for itself.





I'm telling you, they are twins.

Now, to keep in line with the title, I have promised look-a-likes (plural). The only other one that I have is unfortunately without pictures. If you'll take my word for it, there was a girl who worked at the KFC/Taco Bell in Kingston about seven years ago. She was a dead ringer for Steve Francis, even though she was about 17 and white....and a girl.

Damien Cox hates Toronto FC. He also hates the internet and all of Sting's solo work.

This is an interesting read:


Soccer fans respond to Damien Cox


Actually, to see what has got the TFC fans up in arms, you might want to read this article first.

I don't really agree with Cox's assessment that soccer fans are the only fans who get up in arms about the lack of recognition. Whenever the Raptors are left out of a discussion on the NBA, 10x as many emails fly to ESPN or CNNSI than Cox got this week. I don't think this happens with the Jays, or the Argos or even the Leafs.

So, what can be concluded from this? I'd say, that amongst 16-35, web-based and upwardly mobile (not to mention angry) demographic, Toronto FC and the Raptors are the teams of choice. I go to a lot of Jays games, and rarely do I see packs of guys out. It's a lot of families and tourists. I'd try to assess the Leafs, but Lord knows I never get to a game. So, that leaves the Raptors and Toronto FC. From what I've seen in person, these games are rammed with exactly the demographic described above.

Which leads me back to Damien Cox and the "old" media. In my opinion, Cox and his contemporaries fail to recognize TFC because they know they have nothing to add to the debate. They continue to rant about the Leafs and MLSE because they know they still have an audience with all the "Tom from Unionville"s of the world. And fair enough....the gurus behind FAN590 and The Star know more about target audiences than I do, but c'mon....there's gotta be a seachange at some point. Although, maybe the "old" media (590, The Star) will just continue to cover the "old" guard (Leafs, Jays, Argos) while the young and web-based will be the authority on the Raptors and TFC. I like Swirsky on 590, but he is hardly cutting edge. If I want a scoop on the NBA, I'm hitting RealGM. Toronto FC, I'd hit the messageboards before I referred to the Star's website. I like Cathal Kelly, but I'm pretty close to cancelling my Star subscription due to the fact their sports section sucks. If it weren't for the puzzles over the weekend, I would have been out long ago.

So, Cox....I really couldn't care less if you fail to mention Toronto FC. I'm not looking your way for guidance on the subject. That said, when you do get bombarded and forced into mentioning Toronto FC, don't fire back with cheaps shots as if the whole thing is below you. Play fair and admit it isn't your deal. Shots at the field turf, and the fact that us "lemmings" are passionate about a last place team are just pathetic. I'm not an MLSE fan, but you can't blame them for TFC being in last place....that's just how it works with expansion teams.

The passion from the previously mentioned "lemmings" can probably be attributed to a few things, including the people in charge of marketing Toronto FC. They aced it, if you ask me. People craved big time soccer, and it was finally delivered. MLS isn't the Premiership or Serie A, but it is as good as we are going to get....and soccer fans here in town knew that. From day one, the people at Toronto FC were listening to their fans and put together a grassroots marketing campaign. Pub nights and messageboards, that is about it. $200 season seats and a Beckham signing don't hurt either....although most of the cheap seats were gone before Beckham went to LA, so clearly it's a bit more than just the glamour ticket of the moment.

Now, will Toronto FC continue to draw crowds for years to come? Remains to be seen, but I think they will. The game day experience is second to none. The fact that the cops let you tailgate on a sunny Saturday afternoon is pure gold. I don't know how the MLSE-Toronto Police dynamic works, but if I were betting, I'd say that the Toronto FC brass has told the heat to give the parking lot beer drinkers a little leeway....and that is FINE with me.

So, I've gotten off course here. Toronto FC is good times, that's the point. There could be a lot of reasons Cox ignores it (and by Cox, I mean Damien Cox, as well as the Bobcat/590 set), but it's mainly the fear of the unknown. The local sports media should embrace Toronto FC. It very well could be the show that proves to be the end of the so-called August dead zone. Toronto would be better off it all it's teams had the passionate supporters that Toronto FC has.

Seriously....can we play these guys every night??

What Would Matt Stairs Do?

This web-based journal would have had a new name today if the Lord would have answered our prayers and let Matt Stairs beat Alex Rodriguez to a bloody pulp last night.





There is no debate about who would have won that fight. One guy's toughest moment was slapping Bronson Arroyo....the other guy is an ex-hockey player. We all saw A-Rod get tuned by Jason Varitek a couple years ago....this would have been much worse.

Speaking of Matt Stairs....how can there be websites dedicated to the legendary prowess of Jack Bauer or Chuck Norris, but not one for Matt Stairs? Well guess what? This website is going to become the definitive online resource for the legend of Matt Stairs. Let's refer to this bio, just for inspiration.

Baseball Profile Matt Stairs
Baseball Digest, May, 2000 by Rick Sorci
FULL NAME: Matthew Wade Stairs
AGE, HT., WT.: 32, 5-9,206
Born: February 27, 1968 in St. John, New Brunswick, Canada
HOME: San Ramon, California
STATUS/FAMILY: Married with three children
NICKNAME: Matt, Stairsey
LIFE OUTSIDE BASEBALL: Relaxing. I follow hockey a lot, especially Montreal and San Jose.
MY SPORTS HERO WHEN I WAS YOUNG: Yvan Cournoyer of the Montreal Canadiens
PEOPLE WHO INFLUENCED ME THE MOST/WHY: My parents. They never put a lot of pressure on me. They supported what I wanted to do.
BEST ADVICE ANYONE EVER GAVE ME: My father told me to be myself and not change for anyone.
IF I COULD MEET ONE PERSON IT WOULD BE: Babe Ruth
PLAYERS, PAST OR PRESENT, I'D PAY TO WATCH PLAY BASEBALL: Carl Yastrzemski, Jim Rice, Randy Johnson and Roger Clemens.
HOBBIES: I like fishing and watching professional wrestling.
TYPE OF CAR: Corvette
FAVORITE ACTOR: Sean Connery

His nickname is "Matt" and he drives a Corvette. The only word to describe that is "rad".

So, in case you didn't know:

• Matt Stairs won a UFC tournament in 1998. You'll never see the tape as it was banned for being "too bloody".
• After Pierce Brosnan retired, Matt Stairs turned down the role of James Bond. He described Bond's lifestyle as "tame".
• The guy who is travelling to all 30 MLB stadiums to raise awareness for Social Anxiety Disorder didn't actually have the disorder before yesterday. He was taking in a game down at the Rogers Centre....Matt Stairs gave him a dirty look...the rest is history.

Please feel free to add more in the comments section below.

I don't really have much to add to the commentary on last nights game. Good on Josh Towers for nailing that douchebag. It pains me to know that sometime in 2013 or 2014, Rodriguez is going to break Barry's all-time HR tally. Barry may be a surly old SOB, but he seems like a drop of sunshine compared to A-Rod. I take solace in the fact that his wife is an idiot too....a lifetime of unhappiness is much deserved for you both. If there any good in the universe, Prince Fielder will hold the record one day.

In other news, the Karel Pilar era has come to a close in Toronto. After making a few appearances for the Marlies at the end of last season, Karel signed with Atlanta today. Somewhat sad, as he was always an intriguing talent. Too bad about the wonky ticker.

Two pieces of history captured this weekend....

1. The first pitch delivered to Ray Olmedo as a member of the Toronto Blue Jays. Based on the quality of this shot, I believe I have a future in wedding videography.






2. David Beckham, hanging out on Bloor Street - taken by my brother on his cellphone. Apparently, this is the first time a person has ever used a camera phone to take a picture of a celebrity walking down the street. Seems like a good idea.

Deion Sanders.....ughhh....

Wow, Deion Sanders needs to be slapped. The other day, he spouts off and defends Michael Vick in the media. Are these truly his thoughts, or does he just want to keep his name in the press? I think it's a little of both.

Deion's column can be found here

Now I can't disagree with everything he says, but faaaaacckkk....man, just shut up for once. Writing an article like this just seems a little self serving. Deion, will your next move be to deny the holocaust? Just to stir the pot a little?

Secondly, did anyone catch the Hall of Fame induction ceremony on TV today? Good stuff...great speeches...even better with Thurman Thomas getting in there. What does Deion Sanders do??? He wears a suit IN THE EXACT SHADE OF YELLOW / MUSTARD / GOLDENROD THAT THE INDUCTEES ARE PRESENTED WITH!!! Wow, way to disrespect the guys who are being inducted today....including your former teammate Michael Irvin. Could you not find another 8-button monstrosity in your closet? Just for today? Maybe a lilac or burnt sienna?

Sorry for the terrible quality...this was snapped direct from my TV...couldn't find a better version online.

Bye bye Beckham....

My dream scenario for this coming weekend is a complete and total confirmation that David Beckham will NOT play here against Toronto FC. Now, it would be enjoyable to watch Becks play, and see how he does.....but I would get even more satisfaction from the fact that the scalpers down at BMO Field are losing their shirts on this.

With Toronto FC, as well as the U20 World Cup in town, I believe I have been to about a dozen games at BMO Field so far this year. At least four times, I have seen the brewings of a scalpers turf war. Mostly, it involves a 905er in a wife beater yelling at another 905er in a wife beater, "Hey eff you...this is MY corner...you can't sell tickets here." So, apparently scalpers operate via the same catty territoriality that hookers do.

I believe that most scalpers, if posed with the "you're a douchebag criminal" statement would retort with the argument that they are just providing a necessary service. Clearly there are inefficiencies in the ticket pricing model, and these touts are taking advantage of that. To that, I say fair enough.

The part that bothers me is that these clowns will use the Economics 101 argument to justify their actions, but at the same time believe they can somehow stake claims to a territory, and not allow other competitors to better them in said territory. I don't remember the chapter about "calling dibs" when I studied economics years ago.

So yes, their hypocrisy is what makes me hate scalpers. That, and their stupid clothes. I'm talking directly at you TFC scalper with the bejeweled Red Sox hat. You and your old man sidekick who dresses like a 14-year old from Mississauga. I'm pretty sure I recall you wearing basketball shoes, baggy jeans, a Hawaiian shirt and a neon windbreaker. Not to mention a bad pair of Ray-Bans. Hey - let's get this straight....you're a 44 year old guy of Armenian or Kazakh descent....dress like it.

As the likelihood of David Beckham playing dwindles, I'm thoroughly enjoying the panic selling of tickets on eBay and Craigslist. The average price of a ticket on Craigslist dropped by almost 50% once Mo Johnston announced that David Beckham would not play. The average price should drop some more tomorrow, now that Frank Yallop has come out and said it's pretty unlikely Becks will play. The season ticket holders trying to make a quick buck would have been best served by selling their tickets weeks ago, when the Beckham circus first arrived stateside.

As much as I like Becks, he's well into his fifteen minutes. Soccer is never going mainstream in America. Best case, he's Lance Armstrong, who's probably better known for selling yellow bracelets and being buddies with Matthew McConaughey than his sporting abilities. Although, riding a bike isn't really a sport....but that is another story.

So yeah. As much as I would like to see one David Beckham prancing about the field turf this coming Sunday, I hope Frank Yallop confirms he is out.....just so these idiot scalpers lose hundreds and hundreds of dollars.

For those of you with tickets, there is still reason to go. To absolutely torment Landon Donovan for 90+ minutes. First things first, his name is "Landon", which is terrible. Secondly, well....just review the pictures below.



Credit to the lads over at torfc.com for these gems, especially the guy who calls himself flatpicker. These are absolutely the most ridiculous pictures I have ever seen. One is real, one is fake...but really, they both kinda put the same point across. Are you an athlete, or a gay porn star??!?! Now, I have nothing against the gay porn industry...but should you really be marketing supposedly straight athletes with it? Two things you will NEVER see are peace in the Middle East, or a picture of Paul Posluszny in assless chaps. This I promise you.....

To my fan(s) in Boston....

As per Google Analytics, on August 1st, a "fan" came across my blog via a google search for the magical term "Tom Brady". Said search was also based out of Boston. This one view....if it came from a kid who can't read, or from Shaughnessy himself, completely justifies the fact that I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

So, to continue on my Boston rant, I swear by the following: If the Pats 53 man roster were to somehow become engaged with enemy insurgents in a fight to the death, I would root for the insurgents. That is a fact. Normally I can see past the fact that ye are an opposing team, and probably decent human beings otherwise....not in this case. And to be honest, this is probably not all your fault. It is the NFL and the NFL Media for perpetuating the "legacy" of the recent Pats teams. If you think I am lying, consider this: The Pats did not get called for a penalty vs the Bills in Week One of the 2006 season. Not one. Actually, when I re-read the boxscore, it claims the Pats had one penalty for five yards...which I fail to remember. Anyone who watches football will tell you that a penalty-less game is impossible. Not unless the NFL is on your side.....which would explain why the Pats have got every call since 2001. Even the most biased Pats fan has to wonder how Donte Whitners INT was whistled dead last year. It's BS and you all know it. The league is in on this.

And if you want to know how I feel about the broadcasters, read the post of a few days ago.

Let the following be known:

Tom Brady is a deadbeat dad. It is a fact. He dumped his longtime girlfriend shortly after knocking her up. Don't blame this on her....this is hallmark behavior of a deadbeat. If Tom Brady weren't white, this would be bigger news....and you're naive if you think that's not the truth.

Bill Belichick is an adulterer. It is a fact. In the divorce trial of Vincent Shenocca and his wife Sharon, Vincent has accused Sharon of adultery at the hands (and undersized genetalia) of Belichick. Sharon's courtroom rebuttal is to ask her ex-husband to provide proof she had an affair with old Bill. Prove it? That is your rebuttal??!? Is your lawyer in the ninth grade? Here's how Vincent will prove it. Sharon used to receive parcels containing $30,000 cash on a regular basis from one B. Belichick. If that is not proof enough, well then the American justice system has failed. How else would that pear shaped douchebag get any? He wears hoodies....full time!! He can't even take a lesson from Jack Del Rio and put on a suit for a prime time game??!? The ghost of Vince Lombardi weeps. It's probably because he can't find a suit in a 54 short. He's a dumpy, miserable f*ck who pays for sex. Case closed.

Tedy Bruschi is on steroids. People bash Barry Bonds (black) for being on the juice....while Tedy Bruschi (white) remains an American hero. How else does a guy in his early 30s have a stroke?!?!? He must have had help. Clearly a number of NFL players must be on something....but how does Teflon Bruschi get off so easily? And why does everyone treat his as an all-pro?!?! He's an AVERAGE player, at best.

Tedy is also a bad father and a homosexual, (not that there is anything wrong with that. The homo part. There is EVERYTHING wrong with being a bad father).

Click on the picture below. Wikipedia does not lie.

Dear Dan Shaughnessy....

Dear Dan Shaughnessy...please remove your head from your ass.

http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/articles/2007/07/31/a_day_to_remember/?p1=MEWell_Pos1

Eff you. It is 1am...I was just about to go to bed, when I stumbled across your ridiculous analysis of recent transactions, and the current state of sports in Boston. Your overly eager pile of steaming crap makes me long for the negativity of our Toronto sports writers. Now, I have to stay up and write about this....even though no one is reading. I have a feeling this is what Jewel does when she wakes up from a bad dream about living in van. That said, she is the best selling living American poet. USA! USA!

So, back to Shaughnessy. I don't even know where to begin. Douchebag begins his article with this:

"Christmas Day. Graduation Day. Wedding Day. The day you got your first good job. The day you moved into your dream house. The day your first child was born. And then there’s July 31, 2007. The day Boston sports fans were rewarded with a stunning shower of gifts."

Back when The Price Is Right had an occasional prime time special.....that was a "stunning shower of gifts", this really isn't. You've got KG, a guy who can fill up a stats sheet, but really hasn't won anything and a rented middle reliever whose back and elbow are about as solid as artisanal sheeps milk cheese from rural Quebec.

Now, don't dismiss this as sour grapes. As a Raptors fan, I can acknowledge the fact the Celts are better today than they were pre-KG.....I think? Can these guys play together? That remains to be seen. Let us not forget Doc Rivers is still coaching. You can't just stick three "stars" on a team and assume they'll win 60 games and score 120 points a night....isn't that right 1999 Houston Rockets?? (Pippen, Barkley AND The Dream?? Forget it....mail the trophy to Houston post-haste...then let's grab the new LFO record...they're going to be massive!)

"After weeks of speculation and hours of rumor and negotiation, the Red Sox became World Series favorites and the Celtics made reservations for the NBA Finals all within a few hours."

Keep thinking that Shaughnessy. A middle reliever does not make the Sox any better than the .500 club they've been the last two months. And if you think the Celts are now front runners to win the east, you're drinking the same kool-aid that you're selling.

Here are MY predicitions for the coming Celts/Sox seasons.

RED SOX - IF they hold off the Yankees, (and that's a big if), they lose in the first round of the playoffs to the Cleveland Indians. Local broads continue to wear stupid pink Red Sox merch and frat boys continue to pop their collars. Date rape runs rampant. (By the way, is there anything less attractive that girls in sports merchandise? Unless you are on a bus and heading to Buffalo at 8am on the sabbath, there is no reason for a girl to be wearing sports merch. It ain't hot.)

CELTICS - Danny Ainge goes into the season without addressing the fact that Doc Rivers is still the coach, and that the Celts will have the worst bench in NBA history! After the usual injuries and Paul Pierce meltdowns, the Celts win 40 games. If they're lucky, the grab the #8 seed and lose to the Pistons or Bulls in Round 1.

Not surprisingly, Shaughnessy also manages to fellate the Pats. Now, I'm not saying the Bills are a going to be a playoff team...which means my Superbowl will be won when Paul Posluszny cracks Tom Brady's spine, (although most would agree that deadbeat dads lack a spine....which might explain how he got up from that hit courtesy of Takeo Spikes in Week One last year).

Finally, (because I need sleep), I present to you the best line of the article:

"And we had a pretty good run of championships in our town back in the golden year of 1986."

Did I miss something? Let's examine.

Celtics - Fair comment with regards to the 85-86 Celtics....good team with a deep bench...that's how you win championships! (And it doesn't hurt that the Lakers were upset in the Western Finals.)

Pats - Embarrassed by the Bears in the Superbowl. Follow it up with an early playoff exit, and then ten years as the joke of the league.

Bruins - Squeak into the playoffs. Swept by the Habs in the first round.

Red Sox - who can forget! Lost the World Series on a play that 80% of NotSoPro players would have made.

Unless they won a number of championships in lesser pro leagues, I would hardly call that a golden year. Losing in the finals does not constitute a championship season!

Right now, I bet you are asking yourself, "what can I do to help?" The answer to that is simple. Burn fossil fuels like your life depends on it. In fact, find all the jerry cans you can, fill them with high octane gasoline and set fire to the glaciers. Once this city (or more acurately, Shaughnessy's office at the Globe) is 50 feet underwater, we can rest easy.