Thank God for Craig Forrest!

"Just how many donkeys will I need to overthrow the Sandinistas?"

After a summer which saw the U20 World Cup and Toronto FC take over the city, along with Beckham-mania everywhere else, I remain unconvinced that soccer will ever be big in this country. It’s a bit of a shame, but I’m not going to lose any sleep over it.

Why won’t it take off? The reason it’s never going to take off is the rolling, faking, embellishment, crying, lying and cheating put forth on the pitch by what seems to be the vast majority of the players and teams in the game. In Canada, (where hockey rules) and the United States, (where football seems to be the sport of choice), fans have no patience for the antics of soccer players. You would never see Dion Phaneuf or Paul Posluszny pretending to get hit, and then fall to the ground in an attempt to bait the ref into making a call. There is a 0.0% chance of this happening.

There is no doubt that the casual sports fan in North America thinks the average soccer player is a total wuss….and fair enough, the reputation has been earned. People don’t want to root for weaklings! (Unless you bet on the longshot in a Strongman competition….that might be the only time you want to root for the weak dude. Or maybe when Brian Moorman is punting…he doesn’t seem that tough. Best punter ever though…)

Canadian and American soccer fans - do not give up hope! For the most part, our national teams are made up of players who don’t play this way. That’s probably because most of our national team members did not grow up in Portugal, Italy, Chile or Honduras. To go along with stand up players like Jim Brennan and Brian McBride, we’ve got a leader who will lead us through the BS which is any game against a CONCACAF opponent, and sketchy Central American refs. That leader is Craig Forrest.

I just finished watching the Canada – Costa Rica “friendly” being played here in Toronto this evening. Craig Forrest reprised his role as HATER of all the diving and faking and general cheating in soccer…and I commend him for it. Most announcers will try to remain reserved and impartial – citing the diving as “part of the game” whether they agree with it or not. Craig Forrest is the only commentator I have ever heard who is clearly against this behavior….and he is vocal about it. The disgusted tone in his voice whenever a Central or South American hits the deck, as if being hit by a drunken Billy Joel, is priceless. I’m pretty sure at one point he wanted to leave the booth to pick a fight with Costa Rican head coach, Hernán Medford, (who sort of looks like Barry Bonds, and was wearing a leather jacket from Danier’s “Burt Reynolds Collection” this evening). Craig Forrest might just be a loose cannon….ergo, I recommend his broadcast work to everyone. It’s only a matter of time before he curses on air and gets fired….let’s enjoy him while we have him.

Post Script - In a perfect world, all sporting events would be broadcast by a tandem of Gus Johnson on play-by-play, and Craig Forrest doing colour. (The greatness of Gus Johnson is a story for another day.) For now, just read this post from Awful Announcing. Enjoy the first 42 seconds of the video, and then turn it off immediately.

This One's For The Archives...

I enjoy using the features provided by Google Analytics to track the few visitors to this site. It's always interesting to find out where my readers are from, and how they came across WWMRD. As you can very well imagine, I'm big in Taiwan whenever I write about Chien Ming Wang. Whenever I write about Brian Melo, Jaydee Bixby or Canadian Idol, I get a ton of hits from a network location called "Colliers". No idea what that's all about.

Anyway, I really was not surprised to see the following network location show up amongst today's hits:

Yes, you read that correctly. The Smithsonian Institute.

Am I honoured? Yes. Surprised? Not really.

It's only fitting that this web-based journal be archived along with Alexander Graham Bell's telephone, an original copy of the Declaration of Independence and other great treasures of history. No doubt the people down at the Smithsonian are getting on the WWMRD bus early.....they have an eye for potential. It's a bit like loading up on Kevin Maas rookie cards....both WWMRD and Maas are sure things.

Dr. Smithsonian, I promise I won't let you down. WWMRD will continue forward with the determination of Daniel E. 'Rudy' Ruettiger, the courageousness of Seabiscuit, and the flair of a young Terrence Trent D'Arby. Goodnight and godspeed.

Why I Hate Everything, Volume MMCCLVI

Contrary to rumour, this is NOT me.

Here are three reasons which may explain why I’m in such a negative mood today.

1. It’s Monday and it’s kind of chilly outside. Looking at the forecast for the coming days, it doesn’t really get all that warm again. Saturday, the 8th of September will go down in history as the last warm day of the year in Toronto. Someone update Wikipedia, as I think I have been banned for defacing Tedy Bruschi’s page.

2. The front page of the Toronto Star sports section had a huge picture of Randy Moss, star of our Lord and Saviour New England Patriots. Columnist Garth Woolsey then follows it up with some of the most controversial reporting in sports – another piece fawning over the greatness of the Patriots and the Colts. Oooh…that is cutting edge. F*cking hell, please write a column that hasn’t already been written by every lazy hack in sports today. If you take the first letter from every second word in the article, Garth delivers a cryptic message. It reads, “Tom – Let’s make a baby! You can name it whatever you want!”

Last time I checked, the Bills were the local team. Is there a paper around that covers them as such? If so, please let me know so I can cancel my subscription to the Star. Maybe one of the Southern Ontario papers would be a better bet. I need something more than just the three sentence AP blurb on page S6.

That said, I’m probably wrong on this. The Star is for readers in Toronto, and Toronto is full of bandwagon sports fans. It’s why you see loads of New England and Indy gear in this city. I saw a guy in a Brandon Merriweather (Pats 2007 1st Round Pick) jersey at the Argos game on Saturday…it didn’t really surprise me. I would have been SHOCKED to see anyone in a Marshawn Lynch or Paul Posluszny jersey. Research shows I am the only person in the 416 with a Donte Whitner jersey. F*ck me, I’m moving to Grimsby.

3. The MTV Video Music Awards were on CTV last night. What the hell? A two-hour extravaganza to showcase everything that is wrong with this shallow word….and it’s all on basic cable! It was broadcast from Las Vegas and featured a bunch of douchebags rocking out to terrible music. (I know I use the term ‘douchebag’ a lot, but the people in attendance at the MTV Awards are the absolute epitome of the word.) It’s good that today’s youth gets some exposure to Las Vegas at a young age, just so they have something to look forward to once they turn 21. No doubt, somewhere some kid is saving up their allowance so one day, they can “live the dream” and party with Paris at the Palms. The dumbing down/whoring up of today’s youth continues.





Further, did anyone read the AP’s coverage of the event? Here’s what they had to say about Britney Spears:

“Out-of-synch lip-synching. Lethargic movements that seemed choreographed by a dance instructor for a nursing home. The paunch in place of Spears' once-taut belly. At times she just stopped singing, as if even she knew nothing could save her performance.”

Fair enough, I have no problem ripping on this girl for doing a terrible job at lip-synching or half-assing the dance moves….but the comment about the “paunch” just seems a offside. Hey, Nekessa Mumby Moody, did you know that Britney has popped out a couple of kids? What does her body shape have to do with this? Are you implying that someone without a perfect body should be criticized and not allowed to perform their vocation? I should put WWMRD on mothballs right now, because my paunch is downright scandalous! I certainly hope you weren’t covering Wilson Phillips back in the 90s. What would you have had to say about poor Carnie?!

Interestingly enough, here’s a small photo of Nekessa Mumby Moody. Make judgements as you see fit.

To close, you’re probably asking what will cheer me up? Well, just watch this video of Marshawn Lynch. This, combined with the miracle 4th down conversion (and ensuing helmet-less celebration) makes me a big fan!

Well, I better run. I just got an email from a "Tong Li" who claims to be my friend. Apparently, he has a lucrative business proposal for me....

WWMRD - Making Love Happen Since Mid-2007

The world now knows that Bridget Moynahan named her kid, John Edward Thomas Moynahan. The world also now knows that Bridget Moynahan is awesome! Although it probably wasn’t intentional, I’d like to think that she named the kid J.E.T. Moynahan on purpose….just as a big F-U to the babydaddy, Tom Brady.

Bridget – If you REALLY want to stick it to Tom, then I have a proposition for you. You should take this one step further and start dating J.P. Losman. There is little doubt he would make a great father for little JET.

"Alright guys, once we are done with this tree, does anyone want to help me build a Bass Pro?"

I think that most would agree that this concept is both controversial and genius, (a bit like that Hardy Boys novel where they killed their parents, but ultimately it helped them solve the “Mystery of the Missing Allowance”.) The J.P. + Bridget = True Love concept was originally proposed by Steve Holt over at WorldWideNetWeb, I think it makes a LOT of sense.

For Bridget (and whoever else cares), I present the reasons she should date JP Losman:

1. First and foremost, JET needs a daddy.

2. Secondly, JP is a stand up guy. While your ex was out getting coked up with supermodels, JP is out bettering the community. Read about it here: Losman’s cleanup blitz comes up big

3. JP Losman throws a better deep ball that Tom Brady. Skills like that almost always transfer favourably to the bedroom.

4. JP Losman was named Buffalo’s ‘Most Eligible Bachelor’ by Forbes Magazine. He’s now 26, and is probably looking for a love match. No one wants to see him end up on “Confessions of a Matchmaker”. Patti Novak is mean, and would probably tell him to get a haircut.

5. JP is 6’2”. Tom is 6’4”. Clearly your selection of mid-size sedans would be greatly increased without having to worry about buying something to accommodate a 6’4” freak. (Rumour has it that Tom was just 5’4” until he started borrowing Bono’s shoes and hanging out with Dr. William Gogan down at the The Health and Rejuvenation Center).

6. Finally, you’d get to move to Western New York full-time. No doubt, this is a better option than living in Southern California. Since you’re not acting anymore, you’re probably watching your spending habits. Well, guess what? A dollar goes a lot further in WNY that it does in So-Cal. A pitcher of Bud at Kentucky Greg’s is $5.75. The same pitcher of Bud at Spago is $42.95…and at Spago you’d have to drink it in the company of a bunch of douchebags.

Is this enough to convince Bridget? Only Bridget knows. On the off-chance I’m not seeing paparazzi photos of Bridget leaving the Anchor Bar in the next couple weeks, I’ve got a back-up plan. I can’t tell you what it is exactly, but it will be patterned after Hilary Duff’s hijinks in her 2005 documentary, “The Perfect Man”.

Welcome Back Sammy!

"Who wants a limp high five?"

Word on the street, and by "street" I mean "al-Qaeda websites and messageboards", is that Osama bin Laden is about to release his first new tape is almost three years. How exciting!

I've always been intrigued with what this internet-based chatter might say. Luckily, intelligence has provided WWMRD with a translation of the video's announcement. This is taken directly from an al-Qaeda messageboard:

JihadPimp88: Gu3ss what! N3w tap3 from Osama bin Laden coming soon!!

MAF54: OMG!!

Swimfan: STFU - 4 realz?

Azeroth4life: I'm g0nna g0 W0W on Am3rica! Can't wait for my 72 virgins!

JihadPimp88: U wouldn't €v€n know what 2 do with 72 virgins!

MAF54: pwn3d!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Swimfan: LOLZ

I can not reveal my sources, but that is totally legit. Cross my heart.

In addition to the announcement, WWMRD has also been provided with a sneak peak of Osama's message to America. Not surprisingly, it's the usual "Death to America" jibber jabber, along with a few unexpected oddities. Some of these are:

->Fantasy football picks for this week. (He's starting Warrick Dunn over LJ??)

->A bunch of stuff about scrapbooking.

->A medley of songs from "Up with People"

->And the most bizarre, a list of his top 5 superhunks:

1. Shemar Moore
2. Zac Efron
3. The dudes from Right Said Fred (old flames die hard, I guess?)
4. Cristiano Ronaldo
5. Siegfried Fischbacher (WTF?)

I would imagine that CNN and the major news outlets are actually going to edit this fluffy stuff out...this is common practice. All of Osama's messages have been similarly diverse, but time is money! This means broadcasters must edit these tapes (some of which are four or five hours long - most notably the one with the "Cirque du Soleil" segment) down to the scariest 30 seconds. Keep 'em scared, because fear sells! There ain't no Tamiflu for jihad!

One day, the good Lord willing, we will finally get to see these tapes in their entirety. I'd look for the DVD boxset sometime around Christmas 2009. No doubt, the outtakes will be priceless!

Willis McGahee: Confident or Delusional?

"I'm the best running back in the NFL. I am also taller than Yao Ming and smarter than Steven Hawking"

Well eff me. I thought Willis McGahee would have learned better from his "I'm the best back in the NFL" debacle of a couple years ago. Clearly, he has not because he is again running his mouth.

McGahee says he's best back in NFL

The article is quite humorous. I particularly like this passage:

"No doubt [I'm the best]," said the Baltimore Ravens running back. "There may be other guys who have done more [statistically] than me. But if you ask me, I'm always going to tell you I'm the best. I don't care if I rush for only 200 yards. I still feel I'm the best."

I'm speechless. (Actually, I'm not...because if I was, I would have stopped typing.) Willis certainly is confident for a guy who has a career YPC average of under 4 yards, and hasn't played in a game that is even remotely important. If I am to use fantasy draft position as a barometer of who is the best back in the game, Willis is not the best. Sorry. He's actually about 12th to 15th best...unless you're in a league that really incents you to draft QBs or WRs, then he's about 3rd round material.

Willis, in honour of your ignorance and illogical point of view, I have decided that "What Would Mike Reno Do" is the best blog in the world. I am the greatest writer in the world. There may be other guys who have done some more [grammatically] than me. But if you ask me, I'm always going to tell you I'm the best. I don't care if I write 200 words. I still feel I'm the best.

I don't have any problem ripping McGahee. As a Bills fan, he was a glimmer of hope, but most of us could have told you from Day 1 that this relationship was going to end badly...especially since McGahee was represented by that douchebag Drew Rosenhaus.

Myself and a colleague from the web-journal community (Steve Holt over at World Wide Net Web) actually met Willis McGahee at a Baby Joe Mesi fight in Buffalo back in 2003. By "met", I mean we saw him hanging out after the fight....we approached and said something like "How you doin? Welcome to Buffalo. Glad to have you here!" His response was basically a half-assed handshake, only after his handler PR lady gave him the "make nice with the locals" wink. Even though that was a year before he first took the field, that incident was sufficient enough for me to never really be a die-hard fan. Steve Holt bought a jersey...but he may have been drunk. (Apparently people drink at Bills games...who knew?)

Am I a little worried that Willis is going to go for 1800 yards this season? Sure. But I really don't think it is going to happen. He's known as a great power runner, but I haven't seen him deliver a great stiff-arm since his rookie year. He's tentative and likes to dance around. My one compliment of his game is that he could nick an extra yard every once in a while, on a play where you'd figure he was dead and buried. As a guy who's watched LaDanian Tomlinson in person, and a bunch of times on TV, I'll take the back who hits the holes at full speed (Sorry...that sounds dirty. Totally unintenional) and can actually put the ball in the endzone every once in a while.

Anyway...time for bed. Matt Giordano just returned an INT for an 83-yard TD. For now, I'm a fan...just because he might be related to the Chicago deep-dish Giordanos.

The Tom Brady rant that turned into social commentary...

Recently read a story about the paparazzi getting some good shots of Tom Brady, leaving his place in NYC with his most recent girlfriend, Gisele Bündchen. He was en route to pre-season training up in Foxboro with the rest of his glorious New England Patriot teammates. Apparently, questions about the recent birth of Tom's kid with Bridget Moynahan were strictly off-limits at this week's Patriots press conference. Wow! Lucky him. He doesn't have to raise the kid, and now he doesn't even have to talk about it! If the Falcons would have just been smart enough to ban questions about dogs and dogfighting at their camp, they might not have Joey Harrington starting this season.

Well, lucky for us he did speak about the baby....sort of. Here's what he had to say:

“I’d like to just say that there are a lot of those questions and I’m sure you want answers, but I’m really here to talk about football and that’s why I’m here,” he said. “That’s why I come in here every week. I hope you guys respect that. I have a lot of great thoughts on it, but I’d really prefer to share those with my family and my loved ones. It’s a wonderful thing, as I’m sure all the parents out there know already. I’m ready to talk football.”

Ahhhhhhh.....that is SO sweet. He thinks babies are a "wonderful thing". He's going to be a great dad.

Tom on his way to a costume party, dressed as 'Relic' from Beachcombers.

Now, is it just me, or is Tom Brady dodging all kinds of criticism here because he's the white, All-American QB? The tone of most articles about Brady are something along the lines of "Well, he knocked up a girl, then dumped her for a hotter and more famous girl. But hey, he loves the baby, he's a great guy, now let's watch him bag another Superbowl!".

On the other hand, Travis Henry may be bit of an extreme case. He knocked up nine different women, none of which are household names. (Wow....I guess he is Catholic?) Here's what Travis had to say about his situation:

"The important thing is I want to take care of my kids really and truly. It's all good."

So, how come most coverage of the Travis Henry situation is negative and condescending? He's said in his own words that he wants to take care of his kids. He's even borrowed money from his former team to keep up with his support payments. (Although, this may have been done to keep Henry from going to county and missing a few games last season.) It is negative because he is not the aforementioned "white, All-American QB". Angry, white sports writers, (and a good chunk of their audience) have already decided who the bad guys are, they're just waiting for them to do something, so they can tell everyone how bad they really are.

If you meet some or all of the following criteria, then the populous will most likely deem you "a bad guy" :

• You're black
• You have dreadlocks, or even worse cornrows.
• You've got a few tattoos
• You wear a grill
• You have a "distinct" name, like Dontarious or Marshawn.

I'm sure there are more triggers, but those are the big ones. These things scare people, hence they pre-judge, hence race issues continue!

A prime example of this is Marshawn Lynch, the Bills first pick in the most recent NFL draft. During the draft process, the short profile you'd read everywhere about Lynch went something like, "Great RB. Can catch the ball out of the backfield. Has character issues." These "character issues" include getting shot AT (in an apparent case of mistaken identity) and being accused of assaulting his girlfriend, (charges which the DA declined to press, citing a lack of evidence and "grave inconsistencies" in the alleged victim's accusations. [from wiki]) Not a clean record, but not exactly public enemy number one.

Going beyond the headlines, and actually listening to Marshawn Lynch speak, he comes across as a modest, humble "Mama's Boy" (as his tattoo reads). This article from the New York Times goes into a little more detail about Lynch, the family man:

Bills Are Hoping Lynch Will Run the Ball, Not His Mouth

So, why was the negative storyline the one to run at draft time? Well, I guess one reason is that so-called draft experts need another side of the coin to talk about...you can't just say "Oh, this guy is a great back. End of analysis." Need that counter point. So it becomes, "great back with character issues" for Marshawn, just as it was "great back with injury/durability issues" for Adrian Peterson. The thing is, the "character issue" angle was a total lazy and poor research cop-out. A number of columnists/draft gurus had an inch and took a mile. No doubt, it seemed like an easy sell when you've got a guy named "Marshawn", who grew up in Oakland and is sporting dreadlocks and a grill in his press photo. He MUST be a bad guy,right??

Consider this.....if there were photos of Tom Brady poaching elephants while eating a veal and foie gras sandwich, would he instantly become one of the most hated men in America? I doubt it. Alternatively, if Michael Vick were to leave his pregnant girlfiend for a supermodel, don't you think he'd be put through the ringer by the family values police?

Lamb fighting is a crime!

Wow. I apologize....what started as my weekly crack at Tom Brady and/or the Patriots turned into an essay on race issues in America. I'm naive and somewhat insulated up here in Toronto, so maybe it's not really my place to stick my nose into. These are just my thoughts....